


Unknown Intentions

by Axey1677



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Fluff, M/M, Plot, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-06-08 06:37:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 76,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15237570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axey1677/pseuds/Axey1677
Summary: Rafael and Olivia have been dating for years; now sharing a home, can they make it work when their pasts come back to haunt them? Olivia is thrown back into a relationship when she gets an unexpected visit from an old friend. Meanwhile, Rafael is forced to face the past he’s been hiding for more than a decade.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little different to Threatening Realisations but I just want to say thank you to all who read and commented on that one for giving me the confidence to write another... Hope you enjoy this one as much as you did the last!

“I might need to reschedule our date tonight,” Rafael sighed.

“Why?” Olivia asked.

“Work, you keep giving me things to do,” he quipped.

“We could just do it later,” she suggested.

“No,” he smiled, “I’ll just reschedule.”

“But you’re the one who insisted on the date,” she sighed.

“I know, but I just want to make this special. I don’t want work getting in the way… a few days from now should be fine,” he said.

“Okay,” she replied, “Let me know about this warrant.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to use up some favours for this one,” he nodded, “I’ll do what I can.”

“Thank you, I’ll owe you one,” she smiled.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he smirked as he took his phone out of his pocket.

Olivia watched Rafael head for the door, “I’ll talk to you soon,” she called out.

Rafael was concentrating on his phone as he walked out of her office when he ran into someone. “Watch where you’re going!” he frowned as he looked up to find a taller man standing in front of him.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” the man replied.

“Excuse me!” Rafael huffed, “Who the fuck are you?”

“What are you doing here!?” Olivia said as she emerged from her office; interrupting the man before he could reply.

“I came to see you,” he sighed, “I know its been a long time but I want to talk.”

“Oh,” she smiled, “Okay, come on then we can talk in my office.”

“Man, I knew you’d be running this place eventually but it feels weird without Cragen here,” the man laughed as he brushed past Rafael.

Rafael just stood there watching the man enter Olivia’s office, once they were inside Olivia closed the door. Curious Rafael walked over to Fin’s desk, “Who was that?” he asked; his eyes not leaving her office.

“Him?” Fin questioned, “Surely you know who that is?”

Rafael sighed when Olivia closed the blinds, “No idea,” he replied looking over to Fin. “I’ve never seen him before but ‘Liv seems to know him. What is he… an Ex?”

“Of sorts,” Fin shrugged, “That’s Elliot Stabler.”

Rafael stood stunned for a moment, “ _The_ Elliot Stabler,” he mumbled.

“Looks like you’ve got some competition now,” Fin joked.

Rafael didn’t laugh; in fact his mind was running through all the times Olivia had mentioned him, “But… He left her without a word... yet she seemed happy to see him.”

“Mate, I was joking,” Fin said.

“I, uh, gotta go,” Rafael replied, “Tell her I’ll send what she needs through when I get it…”

“Okay, did you want-“ Fin began but Rafael had walked away before he could finish.

 

After Olivia closed the door behind she moved quickly to close the blinds then she turned to the man standing in the middle of her office and sighed, “What are you doing here?”

“What?” he smiled, “Can’t I come and say hello?”

“After 6 years?” Olivia frowned.

“Has it really been that long?” he sighed, “I’m sorry I never called-“

“You left without a word,” she interrupted, “I called you but you ignored me.”

“I know and I’m sorry about that,” Elliot replied. “It was hard for me.”

“For you?!” she huffed. “We were partners for 12 years then you left without so much as a goodbye as if it meant nothing.”

“It meant everything to me that’s why I never called you,” he mumbled.

Olivia stood there confused, “Wait, what?”

“I knew if I picked up the phone you’d talk me into coming back,” he explained. “I had to get away from all this… at least for a while.”

“You could have just talked to me,” she sighed, “I would have understood.”

“You were part of the reason why I left ‘Liv,” he mumbled.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “But I heard you’re in charge now and I had to see it for myself.”

Olivia smiled as she walked towards him, “Yeah some things have changed since you left.”

Elliot watched her closely; “Not you,” he smiled back.

“I disagree,” she replied.

“Oh yeah,” he jested, “Name one thing.”

“Other than running this place?” she said raising an eyebrow, “Well, I have a son.”

Elliot paused for a moment, “A son?”

Olivia nodded, “His name’s Noah. I adopted him a few years go.”

“Well, good for you,” Elliot smiled, “I know you’ve always wanted a kid.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “How are your kids?”

“Don’t know,” he shrugged, “Good I guess. They don’t talk to me since Kathy and I divorced.”

“Oh I didn’t know. I’m sorry to hear that,” Olivia said.

“It was a few years go now,” Elliot replied.

“Can I do anything?” she asked.

“Actually,” he hesitated, “I’m not just here to see you…”

“I figured,” she smiled, “What can I do?”

“I need a job,” he answered. “It’s been years since I got good work. I just need something to do with my life again, something that gives me purpose.”

“I’ll see what I can do but with your history,” she shrugged.

“I figured with _our_ history, it shouldn’t matter,” Elliot replied.

Olivia sighed, “It’s not as easy as that.”

“It should be,” he mumbled.

“Cragen almost lost his job a few times because of you,” Olivia said. “I don’t know if I’m ready to do that.”

“I’m not who I was,” he sighed. “I can control my anger-“

“Can you?” Olivia muttered.

“’Liv,” he said placing a hand gently on her shoulder, “I _need_ this. You know I’m good at this job and how good we were together.”

Taking a deep breath Olivia nodded, “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Come give me a hug, it’s been too long,” Elliot smiled; pulled her into a hug, “I’ve missed you.”

Still wrapped in his arms; Olivia looked up at him, “I missed you too-“ she was interrupted by a kiss. Lost in the moment Olivia kissed him back, a few seconds passed before Olivia realised what she was doing. Immediately she pulled away, “I can’t,” she mumbled; embarrassed.

“Why not?” Elliot asked.

She was flustered; “Because I’m…” she trailed off.

“Okay,” Elliot sighed, “I’m sorry. I thought…”

“I can’t do this right now,” she replied, walking towards her desk. “I have work I need to do.”

Elliot nodded, “I understand but before I go, please just think about what I asked.”

“I’ll let you know soon,” she answered.

“Bye ‘Liv,” he said.

Olivia watched him exit her office; “What was I thinking?” she whispered to herself. _What’s Barba going to think… I have to tell him… Do I?_ “Don’t be ridiculous Benson,” she frowned, “I have to be honest.”

 

Later that night Rafael walked through the door; placing his briefcase against the wall as he took off his coat. Once it was off he hung in up on the coat hanger and continued into their home, “Noah’s asleep,” Olivia whispered as she greeted him.

Rafael nodded as he wrapped his arms around her, “Sorry I’m so late… Meetings ran long then don’t get me started on the paperwork-“ he was interrupted by a kiss. When the kiss broke he chuckled, “Well, that’s the nicest way I’ve been told to shut up today.”

Olivia laughed, “I’m just glad you’re home now. Why don’t you go sit on the lounge and I’ll get you some dinner.”

“I, uh, actually snacked at the office,” he admitted. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still be awake when I got home.”

“Oh,” Olivia nodded, “That’s okay, it was only leftovers anyway. What about a drink instead?”

“Sounds good,” he smiled. She hesitated before turning towards the kitchen, “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Olivia sighed as she entered the kitchen. _Just tell him what happened_. “It’s just been a long day.”

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded as he made his way to the lounge.

As Olivia poured him a glass of scotch she felt sick; her hands were sweating and she felt lightheaded, “I… um,” she mumbled. “I have to tell you something-“

“What was that?” he called out as he sat down, “I missed that.”

“It’s nothing,” she replied. Once she had poured his drink she quickly poured herself a glass of wine and made her way into the lounge room. “Here,” she forced a smile.

As he took his drink he asked, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Olivia nodded as she took a sip of her drink, “I’m fine… I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” he sighed. After taking a sip of his drink he asked, “So, how was your afternoon?”

“It was pretty quiet,” she replied.

“That must have been nice, wish mine was like that,” he laughed. “Why are you still up?”

“I, um,” Olivia mumbled, “I was waiting for you-“

“You don’t have to do that,” Rafael interrupted.

“I know,” she paused, “But I, um, wanted to talk to you and besides Fin’s coming over soon to drop of some paperwork for me.”

Rafael sighed, “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem flustered.”

“I’m,” she sighed, “Let’s just talk about something else for a while.”

“Okay,” Rafael frowned; confused. After a moment of thought he asked, “How was that surprise visit of yours?”

She looked away from Rafael; “It was fine,” she said taking a sip of her wine.

“Who was it?” he asked.

“Just an old friend.”

 _Why wont she just tell me,_ he thought. “Must have been a good friend to be able to just drop by like that,” he added.

“Once upon a time,” she nodded, “What’s with the 3rd degree?”

“Just want to know who it was,” he shrugged; raising an eyebrow, “Why won’t you tell me?”

“Can’t we talk about something else,” she sighed, “He’s just a friend looking for a job.”

“Not just a friend,” Rafael said into his glass.

 _Does he already know? Don’t be ridiculous, how could he know?_ She frowned, “What’s that suppose to mean?”

“I know that was Stabler,” he huffed.

Olivia’s heart started to quicken; _what else does he know?_ “I didn’t want you to create something out of nothing.”

“Nothing!?” Rafael snarled. “It’s not like he’s your old partner who supposedly meant so much to you or even the guy that left you broken hearted. Tell me again how there’s nothing-”

“Shh Raf, Noah’s sleeping,“ Olivia said looking over her shoulder. As she turned back to Rafael she added, “I didn’t tell you because there’s nothing-“

“No, you didn’t want to tell me because you still care for him, don’t you?” he sighed. “You know what,” he growled as he quickly finished off his drink, “I’ve got a lot of paperwork that needs to be done and I can’t do it here.”

Olivia watched as he stood up, “Don’t go,” she sighed, “We can talk about this.”

“I’ll see you later,” he mumbled as he turned away from her. Within a few quick strides he was at the front door; he grabbed his coat and briefcase then left without another word.

 

Rafael walked around the city for a bit before stumbling onto an entrance for Central Park. As he walked through the park he thought about how it looks so different at night; peaceful, beautiful… _dreary_ , the last one made his grasp on his briefcase tighten. Eventually he stumbled across a park bench under a light and decided to sit down for a while; as he sat there he sighed while he rummaged through his inner suit pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. He stared at it for a while before opening it and looked at the diamond ring he had picked out for Olivia, “I really hope this Stabler guy doesn’t change anything for us,” he mumbled to himself.

 

When he finally made it back to his office he noticed a glimmer of light shining though his closed shutters. As he opened the door he saw Olivia sitting on the lounge next to the door, “I thought you would have been here a while ago,” she said as he entered.

“I went for a walk,” he replied. “Shouldn’t you be at home?” he mumbled as he walked towards his desk.

“Fin stopped by after you left,” she replied, “He offered to stay for an hour or so.”

“Why?” he asked placing his briefcase on his desk.

“He saw you leaving,” she sighed as she stood up.

“And? I left to be alone,” Rafael frowned.

“Can we talk about this?”

“I’m not in the mood,” he grumbled as he sat behind his desk; avoiding eye contact with her.

“I’m sorry,” she said taking a few steps towards him, “I should have told you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he paused as he looked up at her, “What are you hiding?”

“He…” She hesitated, “He kissed me.”

As she said those three words Rafael felt as though he had just been punched in the stomach. “He k-kissed…” He didn’t always stutter but when he did he hated it. He never liked it when words just couldn’t roll off his tongue; in his mind it showed too much emotion and weakness. He cleared his throat before continuing, “Did you kiss him?”

“No!” she defended, “I pushed him away.”

Rafael frowned, “Well, how did he get close enough to kiss you if you didn’t-“

“It was a misunderstanding,” she replied.

“How does that even happen?!”

“We hugged but I guess he thought-“

“How?” Rafael sighed, “How does a hug give off that impression? Clearly there’s more to this story than you’re telling me.”

“There isn’t,” she said.

“Did you even mention me?” he muttered, “Or even the fact that you’re not single?”

“It,” she hesitated, “It didn’t come up, no.”

“Not even after he kissed you! Do I mean that little to you?” he huffed.

“No Rafi-“

“DON’T!… don’t Rafi me,” he snarled. “You can’t play me like that! You can’t pretend like this is nothing! It’s not just going to disappear because you want it to... No matter how hard _I_ try.”

“How hard you try?” Olivia questioned.

“I meant you,” he frowned. “Slip of the tongue. Don’t change the subject.”

“Rafael,” she sighed. “It really is nothing, it was a spur of the moment thing that’s all.”

Rafael shook his head in disbelief, “Why was he even there?”

“I told you why,” Olivia answered.

“What? A job?” Rafael mocked; rolling his eyes, “That’s a poor excuse if I’ve ever heard one.”

“He’s going though a tough time,” she sighed. “He’s divorced, his kids don’t want to talk to him and most of the department doesn’t’ want to give him a job.”

“And you’re not thinking of actually giving him a job, are you? Rafael frowned.

“He’s got nobody-“

“Your squad is full of great detectives as it is, you don’t need some hothead joining them,” he huffed.

“Why, because one is enough?” she frowned. “Why don’t you get off your high horse and just see that he’s a friend in need.”

“A friend?” Rafael mocked, “A friend doesn’t just come in one day out of the blue and kiss you! He’s just trying to get into your pants.”

“You don’t even know him!”

“I know enough,” he snarled. “He’s a arrogant man who couldn’t keep his family together-“

“At least he knows what it takes to be a father,” she huffed without thinking.

Rafael paused for a moment; a little stunned and hurt, “Get out,” he calmly said in a very low deep voice; his face void of any emotion but his eyes said it all. He was livid.

That voice always slightly frightened Olivia; she wouldn’t hear it often but when she did she knew she crossed a line, “I’m sorry-“

“Get. Out,” he said even slower; his green eyes shooting daggers at her.

“Please,” she pleaded, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about! NOW GET OUT!” She stood there stunned so he stood up and started for the door, “If you won’t leave then I will.”

She quickly closed the gap between them; she should feel his anger just radiating off him, “It was a stupid thing to say,” she sighed placing a hand on his bicep.

He flinched under her touch; he opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it and just stared at her.

She leaned into him; wrapping one arm around his waist while running the other up his chest then she kissed him. As her lips moved against his he managed to catch her bottom lip between his teeth and bit down; harder than he usually does which caught her by surprise. She quickly pulled away from him, “Rafi?” she whispered placing a finger on her lip.

He frowned, “I thought I told you to get out.”

“Rafi, please,” she hesitated.

He took a deep breath before saying, “I can’t do this right now.”

“You just need a distraction,” she sighed as leaned back into him.

As she lightly glided her fingers down the side of his face he took hold of her arm tightly, “I need time to re-evaluate-“

“Re-evaluate?” she repeated shocked, “Rafael I didn’t mean what I said.”

“I don’t care,” he mumbled as he moved her hand down to her side. “I know what you’re trying to do but it isn’t going to change anything… Not only did you kiss another man but what you just said-“ he sighed, “I just need to think about some things.”

“I didn’t kiss him,” she defended.

“So you said,” Rafael shrugged as he pushed her away him and started for the door again.

“Please Rafael,” she pleaded, “This shouldn’t change anything for us.”

“I just,” he huffed, “I need you to get out of my face.”

“We can talk about this,” she begged, “It was a one time mistake.”

“One for now,” he muttered under his breath. As he reached the door he turned to her; his hands trembling with anger, “I need you to leave,” he added opening the door.

“Are you going to come home tonight?” she asked cautiously, “I would really like it if you did.”

“No,” he said bluntly.

Olivia sighed as she started for the door, “Please… Just remember I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and that I really am sorry.”

Rafael turned his head away from her as she walked past him; his hand curled into a fist so tight his knuckles were white. He let out a shuddering breath as he said, “I had hoped you were different.”

“Rafael-“ she turned but he had closed the door behind her. Sighing, Olivia decided it was best to leave.

He turned on his heals and quickly made his way back to his seat. Once he sat back down he took a moment to take a much-needed deep breath, which didn’t calm him. His heart was beating so quickly he felt as if he was on the verge of a heart attack. Without thinking he searched though his inner jacket pockets for the small velvet box. As he took it out he saw his hands were still shaking, _How could she! I can’t believe this;_ his mind raced which only made him angrier. He took the box in one hand and threw it across the room with so much force it flew into one of his shelves on the other side of the room; knocking down a beloved photo. He placed his elbows on his desk as he leaned forward; hands covering his face, his eyes watering against his palms. Feeling frustrated with himself he thought, _How could I be so stupid to let this happen again. What am I going to do? I… I love her._ Deciding he needed a distraction, he wiped his eyes with his palms then opened his briefcase; taking out a pile of paperwork along with his laptop and got started. As he buried himself in his work a few tears escaped his eyes rolling slowly down his face; without thinking he quickly wiped them away and continued working.

  

The next morning Rafael woke to the sound of something being placed in front of him, “I thought you would want a cup of coffee,” Carmen said quietly, “Long night?”

He felt stiff as he slowly got up off his desk; he looked down at the paperwork scattered everywhere as he said, “I guess so, I don’t remember falling asleep.” As he stretched he laughed, “I’m getting too old to be sleeping at my desk.”

Carmen smiled as she looked at her phone, “Your first meeting is in an hour then you have a few court appearances before lunch.”

“Thank you,” he smiled as he picked up his coffee. After taking a sip he added, “Any calls for me?”

“Not yet,” she shrugged, “Expecting any?”

Rafael sighed, “No.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “If you need me, I’ll be at my desk.”

“Thank you,” he replied as he watched her leave his office.

As he leaned back into his chair, drinking his coffee, he looked around his office and saw a knocked over photo. Frowning, he patted his jacket and realised the ring was gone. He rolled his eyes as he slowly got up from his chair, placing his coffee on the desk and made his away across the room. Once he got to the shelf he paused for a moment as he picked up the photo; Noah was smiling in the front holding a birthday present and in the background Olivia had surprised Rafael with a kiss on the cheek. As he stood there engrossed in the photo he unconsciously ran his fingers softly across his cheek. _What a day that was_ , he admired as he gently stood the photo back on the shelf. He quickly searched the shelf and spotted the velvet box open against the wall; as he picked it up he saw the ring was missing. His heart sank, “Shit!” Rafael huffed as he frantically searched the shelf.

Lost in his panic he didn’t hear Carmen enter, “Mr Barba?” she asked cautiously.

He snapped his head around to her; “Did you or anyone clean up my office this morning?”

“No,” she shook her head, “I thought you’d want to sleep as long as you could.”

Rafael took a deep breath as he ran his fingers though his hair, “I can’t have lost it,” he muttered.

She slowly approached him, “Can I help look? What did you lose?” she asked confused.

“A ring-” he started.

“A RING!” she smiled, “Are you planning-“

“I… I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he frowned. “It’s complicated… I’ll find it, it can’t have gotten far.”

“I can help-“

“No,” he shook his head, “It’s fine.”         

“Are you sure?” Carmen said concerned.

“Yes, if you haven’t seen it already it’ll be here,” he mumbled. “The less people in here the less likely it’ll get kicked under something.”

“Okay,” she sighed, “Call me if you need help.”

Rafael resumed his search when he heard the door click shut; he pulled out his books and knickknacks, throwing them haphazardly onto the table behind him. With the shelf stripped bare there was still no sign of the ring; he got down on his hands and knees and frantically started to search the floor. After ten minutes, he was just about ready to give up when something glistened under his lounge, catching his eye. He reached under and took hold of the ring, he sighed in relief as he sat leaning against the bookshelf. As he stared at it, “What am I going to do?” he whispered.

 

A few hours later Olivia hesitantly walked into Rafael’s office; she saw him at his desk, bitting his pen as he stared at his computer, “You slept here?” Olivia asked as she closed the door behind her.

Rafael didn’t look up from his computer as he answered, “Had to sleep somewhere.”

“You could have come home,” she sighed.

“No I couldn’t,” he mumbled.

“Can we talk?” she asked; walking up to his desk.

Rafael looked up, “About a case or…”

“Us,” Olivia nodded.

Sighing, Rafael stood up and walked around his desk; closing the gap between them until he was only a few steps away from her. He was already regretting this conversation so he paused for a moment while he stood there, just taking her in. He could always read her and the way she looked at him now told him all he needed to know; she was sorry but as he looked closer he also noticed the pain in her eyes. _Was it because of him or because of Elliot?_ Rafael didn’t know which hurt more. “Tell me,” he hesitated; putting his hands in his pockets, “Is there more?”

“More?” she repeated.

“Do you have feelings for him? I’ve been hurt like this before, I just need to know what I should be expecting. So is there more you need to tell me?”

She took a few steps cautiously towards Rafael, “There is no more,” she said stopping just in front of him. “Maybe if this was a few years ago, I’d still want him but I don’t now. I’ve moved on, everything I have ever wanted I have achieved without him. It took me a while to see that he was holding me back but you never did that,” she smiled as she closed the gap between them. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she whispered, “I love you.”

He took his hands out of his pockets and wrapped them both around her waist, “I’m still angry,” he muttered.

“I know,” she replied.

“You know I’m in the middle of adopting Noah,” Rafael frowned. “If you don’t want me to, say so now and I’ll walk away from everything.”

“I didn’t mean what I said, I was angry,” she sighed. “I want us to be a family, I want you to be Noah’s father.”

Rafael nodded, “Okay, but I still can’t believe you said that to me.”

“You have no idea how sorry I am,” she sighed.

“I’m mad but I forgive you,” he reassured.

“You do?”

“I love you too much to let this stand in the way,” he paused, “But I just need some space right now.”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, “I’ll go and leave you alone. Just promise me you’ll come home tonight.”

“I will,” he hesitantly smiled. As the room fell to silence his eyes darted between hers and her lips, “I’m sorry for bitting you. Does it still hurt?”

“It’s tender but its not so bad now,” she sighed. He nodded but his grasp around her waist slightly tightened pulling her against him. She smiled as she read him; “Rafi,” she hesitated, “I only came here to check on you.”

“Mhmm,” he replied; his grip not loosening. After a while he sighed, “I should probably let you go… I have paperwork I need to get done.”

She leaned in and gave him a soft and lingering peck on his cheek, “Talk soon,” she smiled as she let go of him.

His arms fell to his sides as he watched her leave; once she was out of view he made his way back to his desk and sat down. _This is what you want… She is what you want,_ he thought, _you love her,_ sighing he buried himself back into his work.

 

Later that night as Rafael walked through the door he heard Noah laughing; continuing further towards the lounge room he smiled when he saw Noah and Olivia playing on the floor. He stood there watching them until Noah looked up, “Rafi!” he giggled.

“Hey kiddo,” Rafael grinned.

“I didn’t see you come in,” Olivia smiled. “How long have you been there?”

“A while,” Rafael said as he watched Noah run towards him. As Noah got close enough he jumped up; Rafael caught him and pulled him into a hug, “How’s my boy doing today?”

“Good,” Noah smiled. “We’re playing cops and robbers.”

“Is that so?” Rafael said raising an eyebrow, “Where’s my office?”

Noah laughed, “Rafi… You’re not a policeman-“

“No,” Rafael smiled. He pulled Noah in closer, “Lawyers are better anyway,” he whispered.

“I heard that,” Olivia laughed. Rafael chuckled as he put Noah down, “You’re home a little earlier than I was expecting.”

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded. “After last night I just thought…”

“I’m glad you came home,” Olivia said as she slowly stood up. “Are you still angry?”

“Yes,” Rafael said bluntly as he walked towards her. “But less than I was when I last saw you.”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed.

Rafael placed his hands on her hips and smiled, “It’s fine, I overreacted… I’m not going to let this _ass_ -“ He paused as he glanced over to Noah; looking back to Olivia he continued, “This other guy change anything.”

Olivia smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck, “It meant nothing-“

Rafael leaned in and kissed her; “Did that mean nothing to you?” he said resting his forehead on hers.

Kissing him back she smiled against his lips; “It meant everything.”

While they kissed Noah ran up to them and tugged on Rafael’s sleeve, “Rafi?”

Breaking the kiss he looked down at the little boy, “Yes?”

“Do you want to play?”

Rafael smirked, “Of course. Let me just get changed and we can play.”

“Okie,” Noah smiled. “Mommy are you going to keep playing?”

Smiling as she let go of Rafael, “Only if I get to be the cop this time.”

“Aww,” Noah sighed. “But the cop always wins-“

“Okay,” Olivia nodded. “You can be the good guy.”

“What about me?” Rafael asked.

“You can be a bad guy with Mommy,” Noah giggled.

“What?” he smiled, “Don’t you want my help catching her?”

“No,” Noah shrugged, “You two aren’t very good at being bad guys.”

Rafael chuckled as he looked over to Olivia, “I don’t’ know whether that’s a compliment or an insult.”

Olivia laughed, “I’m not sure.”

“Well, I guess I should get changed before I get in trouble,” Rafael said as he let go of her.

Olivia nodded as she watched him start to walk down the hallway. After ten minutes Rafael emerged back in the living room in his Harvard sweatshirt and a pair of black tracksuit pants, “What do you want for dinner?” Olivia asked.

“Um,” Rafael shrugged but before he could finish his thought Noah jumped out.

“BANG!” Noah yelled pointing his hands at Rafael like guns.

Rafael quickly placed his hands on his chest as he fell to his knees, “Oof you got me!”

Noah laughed, “You can’t talk you’re dead.”

Olivia smiled, “Take out?”

Rafael laid down on his stomach, “Can’t talk… I’m dead.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, “How about we pause for a moment so we can organise dinner-“

“I want fish and chips!” Noah giggled.

“Guess we’re having that,” Rafael quipped.

“Alright then,” she nodded.

Noah walked over to Rafael and sat on his back, “You’re under arrest!” he laughed.

Rafael bent one of his arms back and took hold of Noah’s legs, “Can’t stop me,” he laughed as he started to get up.

Noah swayed on Rafael’s back as he giggled, “Rafael be careful,” Olivia said as she pulled out her phone.

Rafael twisted his body as he took hold of Noah and pulled him around to his front, “I got you now,” he smiled as he started towards the lounge.

“Noo!” Noah yelled, “Rafi! You’re the bad guy!”

Rafael laughed as he gently dropped Noah on the lounge, “You’re gonna have to catch me.”

Noah jumped off the lounge and held his hands out as guns, “I’m gonna get you.” Rafael started to jog around the living room with Noah following close behind, “Freeze,” Noah giggled, “I’ll shoot you Rafi.”

“Go get your mother,” Rafael puffed. “She’s sitting right there.”

“Hey,” Olivia smirked looking up from her phone, “I’m organising dinner.”

“Dinner can wait,” Rafael said, “ I need help… He’s gonna shoot me.”

Olivia laughed as she placed the phone on the coffee table and started to chase Noah.

“Mommy!” Noah smiled; looking over his shoulder as he ran, “You’re not supposed to do that.” Rafael quickly turned while Noah was distracted and picked him up, “RAFI!”

Rafael tickled Noah as he lifted his shirt; “I got you,” he smiled.

“Rafi stop,” Noah chuckled as Rafael started to blow raspberries on his stomach. Olivia slowly made her way over to them and smiled as she gently ran her fingers through Noah’s hair while he laughed. “Put me down,” Noah panted out of breath.

“Gonna stop shooting me?” Rafael said as he pulled down Noah’s shirt.

“Okay,” Noah nodded.

“I’m going to finish ordering dinner and we can watch some TV while we wait,” Olivia said as she walked back to the lounge.

As Rafael put him on the floor Noah sighed, “But the good guy is meant to win.”

Rafael knelt down next to him with his arms behind his back, “You gonna arrest me?”

Noah smiled, “Yay. You’re under arrest!”

“Ah you got me,” Rafael smirked. “Gotta take me to jail now.”

“Yep,” Noah said as he guided Rafael towards the lounge. Rafael shuffled on his knees as Noah said, “Now you gotta go up against someone like you Rafi.”

Rafael glanced over to Olivia as he grinned, “No one can beat your Rafi, isn’t that right?”

“Sure is!” Noah smiled.

As they reached the lounge Rafael turned and sat on the floor in between Olivia’s legs; watching Noah as he walked towards his toy box. “That kid has a lot of energy,” Rafael chuckled. Olivia laughed as she gently ran her fingers through his hair; closing his eyes, he tilted his head back as he relaxed against her, “I love moments like this.”

“I love you,” Olivia smiled as she leaned down and kissed him softly on the forehead.

Opening his eyes he looked up at Olivia and smiled, “I love you too.”

 

The next day Rafael was getting off the elevator at the precinct when he took his eyes off his phone for a brief moment; long enough to see Elliot walking just ahead of him. Deciding to make a point Rafael put his phone away and called out, “Oi!”

“What?” Elliot frowned as he turned to face him.

“Back off,” he huffed; walking towards him, “She’s in a committed relationship.”

“She didn’t say anything to me,” Elliot smirked, “Mustn’t be that committed.”

“Fuck you,” Rafael snarled. “Kiss her again and we’re going to have a bigger problem.”

Rafael pushed past Elliot; bumping shoulders, and began to walk towards Olivia’s office when Elliot called out, “Bet she didn’t tell you she kissed me back.”

“She would never,” Rafael snarled; stopping in his tracks.

Elliot walked behind Rafael, “Oh but she did and she enjoyed herself,” he whispered.

Rafael spun around and punched Elliot so quickly he had no time to react, “She doesn’t keep secrets from me. You wasted your chance and because of that you will never have what I have with her.”

Elliot brought a hand up to his throbbing nose; as he removed his hand he saw there was blood. Furious; he grabbed Rafael by the scruff of the collar and pushed him up against the wall, “Sucker punch me again-“

“I’d say it’s an improvement,” Rafael remarked.

As Elliot brought his fist up he heard Fin shout out, “Stabler!” as he ran across the room.

“Rafael!” Carisi yelled following Fin.

Olivia; who was in her office, heard the commotion outside and ran to her door, “What’s going on?” she huffed as she opened it. She scanned the room and saw Rafael pinned against the wall with Carisi and Fin trying to get Elliot to let go. She ran over to them, “Elliot let him go!” she frowned. As she neared she saw the bloody nose he had, “What the hell is going on?”

“GET HIM OFF ME!” Rafael huffed.

Elliot snarled, “You’re lucky I don’t-“

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Carisi interrupted.

Elliot looked over to Carisi and laughed as he turned back to Rafael, “Gotta get other men to fight your battles, do we?”

“Let me go and I’ll show you a fight,” Rafael snarled.

Elliot let go of Rafael and took a step back; Carisi and Fin immediately jumped between them. Rafael clenched his fist so tight his knuckles were white, “Barba just walk away,” Carisi consoled.

Nostrils flaring Rafael huffed, “I’ll walk away when he does.”

“Why don’t we get out of here,” Fin suggested to Elliot.

“I’m sorry ‘Liv,” Elliot sighed, “I’ll come back later.” He promptly started for the elevator with Fin.

Rafael watched Elliot leave until he was out of sight then he turned his gaze to Olivia; she was livid, “MY OFFICE NOW!”

Taking a deep breath Rafael nodded, “I can explain.”

“You’re going to,” she huffed as they walked towards her office.

“He started it-“ Rafael began.

“This isn’t some school yard,” Olivia interrupted. She stopped just before her office and turned to him, “Get inside,” she commanded.

“Okay,” he sighed as he walked past her.

Once he was inside Olivia closed the door behind her, “What got into you?” she sighed looking over to him.

“I was telling him to back off,” Rafael explained. “I didn’t think-”

“No, you didn’t think,” she frowned, “He could have hurt you.”

“I can handle myself,” he sighed.

Olivia nodded, “I know you can but he’s an ex-marine and cop.”

“Doesn’t give him the right to kiss you,” he mumbled.

“Is that what that was about?” she sighed, “You know it meant nothing.”

“Not what he said,” he paused, “He said you, um, that you-“

“Why would I lie to you?” she reassured.

“I don’t like him,” he said. Taking a deep breath he added, “I’d do it again if I had to.”

Olivia walked up to Rafael, “What am I going to do with you?” she sighed. He lovingly watched her as she started to fix his collar; she looked up at him as she straightened out his tie, “You know you can’t fight him every time you disagree.”

He brought his hand up and embraced the side of her face, “Can we stop talking about him.” He started to softly trace her bottom lip with his thumb; “Let’s just not talk,” he smirked

“Raf,” she smiled, “We can’t-”

He leaned in and kissed her, “Take a break,” he smiled against her lips. Lost in the moment she kissed him back; he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him; tongues intertwining.

Olivia moved one arm around him as she ran the other along his chest, “Rafi-“ she muttered out of breath. “We need to-“

“Get out of here?” he smirked; kissing her again.

Breaking the kiss she smiled, “That’s not what I was going to say.”

“But you agree?” he chuckled.

“Raf-“ she was interrupted by a passionate kiss; he gently nipped at her bottom lip.

As the kiss broke he uttered out of breath, “Take the rest of the day off with me. Noah’s not home and Fin can cover for you.”

She brought her hand up off his chest and tangled her fingers gently in his hair, “I would love nothing more but you know I can’t.”

Rafael sighed as he let her go, “Cause he’s coming back?”

“Because it’s my job,” she corrected.

“Raincheck then,” he mumbled.

“Afraid so,” she nodded. She started back for her desk as she asked, “Why are you here anyway?”

Rafael reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a blue document, “To give you the warrant you asked for.”

Olivia frowned confused, “You could have emailed it to me.”

He shrugged, “I wanted to see you.”

“To convince me to leave?” she smiled.

“Well,” he hesitated, “I didn’t think of that till I saw you.”

“Oh,” she replied.

Moving towards her he sighed, “I actually wanted to remind you that I was working on some trial preparation tonight so don’t wait up for me, it’ll probably be late when I get home.”

“Oh yeah,” Olivia sighed. “I forgot… When do you think you’ll get home?”

“I don’t know,” Rafael shrugged. “I was kinda hoping you’d help me procrastinate.”

“Raf,” she smiled, “You know I can’t right now.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Worth a shot.”

She let out a small laugh; “Almost worked.”

“What’s stopping you?” he smirked as he leaned over her desk.

“Come on Rafael,” she sighed. “You said it yourself you have trial prep to work on and I have a busy afternoon ahead of me.”

“I can postpone my prep-“

Olivia shook her head, “Raincheck, remember?”

“Alright,” Rafael nodded. “I’ll see you later.”

“Try not to make a scene on your way out,” Olivia said.

“I’ll try,” Rafael shrugged, “Just depends on him-“

“Rafael,” Olivia frowned. “Don’t.”

“Fine,” he sighed as he turned towards the door. “I wont.”

“Thank you,” she said as she watched him leave.

 

Rafael spent the rest of the day locked away in his office towering over case after case. Before long his stomach was growling; looking at his watch he sighed, 9pm. He picked up one of the many coffee cups on his desk and went to take a sip but it was empty; “Come on,” he rolled his eyes. He relaxed into his chair and closed his eyes for a moment; not long after there was a quiet knock at his door. Opening his eyes he saw Olivia closing the door, “What are you doing here?” Rafael smiled. “It’s late.”

“I wanted to make sure you ate,” she replied showing the bag of food in her hand.

“Oh,” he replied watching her walk towards him. “You really didn’t have to. There’s a vending machine down the hallway.”

“A vending machine?” she repeated; eyebrow arched. “Really?”

Rafael laughed, “Okay, I’m sure whatever you brought would be better than that.”

“Oh I can guarantee it,” she replied; placing the bag on his desk as she walked around to him.

Rafael leaned back into his chair; looking up at her he smirked, “Starting with desert, are we?”

The lustful look in his eye made Olivia smile. “You said raincheck,” she reminded him as she sat on his lap; facing him.

“Sooner than I expected,” he chuckled; leaning up to kiss her. He placed one hand on her lower back her pulling her into him. She leaned in to the kiss; opening her mouth allowing their tongues to intertwine. As they passionately kissed Rafael heard a slight click; worried it was the chair he broke the kiss and looked. After he realised what it was he laughed, “You’re cuffing me to my chair?”

“You shouldn’t have made a scene in my squad room,” she smirked. “I only brought the one pair of cuffs, so I’m gonna have to improvise,” she chuckled as she started undoing his tie. Once it was undone she gently slid it out of his collar and wrapped it around his free wrist; tying it to the chair.

“Give me a kiss,” he grinned.

Olivia leaned in and kissed him; as their tongues danced from mouth to mouth Rafael felt Olivia slowly glide her hand down his chest, sending shivers down his spine. When she stopped just above his belt he paused as he smiled against her lips, “I love you,” he whispered out of breath. Olivia smiled as she started kissing him again; one hand untucking his shirt while she ran the other around his waist under his shirt. Her touch on his skin gave him goose bumps; he felt his pants start to get tighter. Smiling against his lips Olivia removed her hands from his waist and gently glided them up his shirt until she reached his collar. As she started to undo each button slowly she moved her kisses away from his lips; she started along his jawline then worked her way down his neck; nipping occasionally. Rafael closed his eyes as he moaned; he moved his head to the side giving Olivia more access to his neck. She lingered on his neck, peppering it with kisses, as she finished undoing his shirt; as it came loose she gently pulled apart his shirt and started to move her lips down further. She nipped at his skin as she worked her way down his slightly hairy chest, “God Liv,” Rafael grunted as he opened his eyes.

Olivia ran her fingers teasingly up and down his thigh, purposely avoiding his hard erection as she slowly slid backwards off Rafael’s lap; he watched her intently as she smiled back at him. He tried to move his hands towards her but his restraints stopped him, “Don’t keep teasing me,” he smirked. Olivia said nothing as she gave him a devilish smile while she began to unbuckle his belt and trousers. She tucked her fingers beneath the waistband of both his trousers and boxers; she tugged on them as Rafael sat up a little, watching her pull them down to his knees; releasing his erection. Rafael was at a loss for words; watching her longingly, as she ran the tips of her fingers up his thigh towards his shaft. She watched him as she took hold of him; moving along his length, his eyes rolled back as he closed them and started to thrust against her hand. Olivia slowly lowered her head she kissed the tip of his shaft occasionally running her tongue over his slit; Rafael moaned as he bucked towards her. Smiling at his response she slowly moved her tongue to the underside of his shaft; his fingers gripped the armrests tightly, “Oh god,” he groaned. Pleased with herself she took him in fully; moving her tongue all around his shaft as he thrusted his hips forwards, “F-Fu-ck,” he grunted. Rafael gasped as he felt Olivia taking as much of him as she could; any words he tried to say were replaced with low and quick grunts. Olivia used a hand around his base while she worked his slit with her tongue; listening out for his moans as they quickened. He was close. She paused; removing herself from him, “W-wh?” he panted.

“I told you,” she smiled, “You shouldn’t have made a scene in my office.”

“L-Liv,” he grunted as he frowned. “Y-you can’t do this.”

“Do what?” she smirked.

Rafael tried to move his hands towards her but his restraints tightened around his wrists, “Don’t leave me like this.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded. She started on his shaft again; working him until he was close to finishing but stopping short a few more times.

“OLIVIA,” he yelled; frustrated, his shaft pulsing at the lack of release.

“What?” she grinned devilishly.

“Please!” he begged; tears forming in his eyes, “Just let me come.”

“Why?”

“I’m begging you-“

Olivia always loved it when Rafael begged her for anything but this will always be her favourite; “Alright… Only because dinner is getting cold.”

She took him in her mouth one last time; she took as much of him as she could she worked her tongue along his pulsing veins on his underside, “F-Fu-“ he barely managed between his moans. His grip on the chair tightened; his knuckles turning white, as he thrusted into her; shortly after he came in her mouth. Olivia continued to suck his shaft as she brought her hand up to work the base of him; she took his entire load. She loved the way he tasted. She licked the tip of his shaft as he came down from his high; making sure she got every last bit of him.

When she moved away from him he stuttered, “T-th-th-“

“You’re more than welcome,” she smirked. As Olivia stood up; pleased with herself she said, “So, what do you want to eat? I brought Chinese.”

He tried to catch his breath as he watched Olivia walk over to the bag on his desk, “Let me out of these cuffs and I’ll show you what I want,” he smirked.

“I don’t think so,” she chuckled.

“You can’t expect me to eat without any hands,” he frowned; his smirk still apparent.

“Fine,” she smiled as she walked back over to him, “I’ll undo your tie.”

Rafael watched her intently as she leaned over him; once his hand was free he quickly took hold of Olivia’s before she could walk away. “After that, I think I deserve a kiss,” he smiled. He pulled her forward and gave her a passionate kiss; as it broke he said gruffly, “How about you let me go and I can return the favour?”

“Nice try,” Olivia laughed. Rafael let her go and watched her dish up their dinner as he pulled up his pants; “It’s a little cold now,” she sighed.

“I don’t care,” he smiled; his lustful eyes running up and down her body. She gave him a container of food and a fork then moved her way to the other side of his desk; she sat down with her own container and started eating. While Rafael used his free hand to eat his eyes were glued to Olivia, “You’re gonna have to let me out of these cuffs eventually,” he smirked.

“Not right now,” she replied as she ate.

“You know what’s going to happen the second I’m free,” he replied; his eyes darting along her body.

“I know,” she nodded; unfazed by his words.

“Don’t pretend that you don’t want it as badly as I do,” he said.

Olivia couldn’t fight the smile, “Do I?”

“Oh come on Liv,” he sighed.

“Eat your dinner,” Olivia shrugged.

 

The room fell into a tense silence as Rafael did as he was told; once dinner was over Olivia stood up from her chair and started to collect the empty containers. While she was distracted Rafael reached down to his bottom draw and pulled out a key. She heard a slight clicking noise coming from Rafael’s direction as she placed the bag on the floor; she turned to find Rafael standing, in front of her; unbound with his shirt loosely hanging on either side of him, the look of desire evident in his eyes. “How did you?” she said confused.

Rafael smirked as he showed her the key in his hand; “I made a spare for moments like this.”

Olivia rolled her eyes as she smiled, “Of course you did.”

Rafael suddenly took hold of her hips and begun kissing her passionately; their tongues intertwining as he pushed her up against his desk. Without breaking the kiss he lifted Olivia quickly onto his desk as he started to grind against her; his hard erection running along her thigh. Olivia let out a quick gasp as he started to run his hands up and down her chest.

She broke the kiss; “Rafa- Slow… Down,” she whispered out of breath as he tore open the top half of her shirt.

Rafael continued as he begun to kiss along her neck working his way towards her chest. As he reached her breasts he nipped carefully at her skin while he ran his hands under her shirt and undid her bra. Impatient; he quickly moved his hands to her front and ripped her bra off; breaking the straps, and tossed it aside. He moved his kisses along her now free breast and focused on her nipple; occasionally alternating between sucking and biting. He slowly ran his hand along her thigh towards her waistband and started to undo her buttons. Moving his lips up her body again, nipping at her skin, until he reached her ear, he whispered, “Is this too much?”

“N-no,” she gasped, “Keep going.” Smiling Rafael leaned off her and started to rip her pants down; Olivia did everything she could to help him get them off her faster. Once they were off he paused for a moment admiring the way she was sitting half naked on his desk, “Are you just going to stand there?” Olivia frowned. Rafael immediately leaned back into her as he ferociously started to kiss her again. Olivia moaned into his mouth when she felt his hand slide underneath her panties; before long she felt his fingers enter her. She grunted as he started to gently run his fingers along her walls, “Raf-“ she shuddered. Olivia grabbed at his waistband pulling him in closer; she gently ran her fingers over the tight bulge in his pants, making Rafael grunt. As their kiss became more intense; their tongues fighting against each other, Rafael ran his other hand under her panties and started to rub circles on her clit.

Before long Olivia couldn’t stand it; she broke the kiss as she looked down at his pants and started undoing them, “Is this for me Papi?”

Rafael couldn’t help but smile when she called him that; “I’m in charge now,” he panted as he quickly removed his hands from her.

The lack of contact inside her was driving her insane, “Please.”

Rafael shook his head as he took hold of her arms; pulling them aside, “Begging already?” he smirked as he started to grind against her again.

As he peppered her with kisses along her neck she pleaded, “I want you inside of me-“

Shortly after Rafael quickly tucked his fingers underneath her waistband and pulled her panties to the floor; his own pants and boxers following close behind. Rafael leaned towards her his shaft just touching her entrance when he muttered out of breath, “Yes?”

“Rafael,” she frowned impatiently, “Just put it in already.” Laughing Rafael obliged as he pushed all of his length inside her; forcing Olivia to lie back against the desk, “F-fuck,” she uttered.

As Rafael starts to thrust into her he leaned down and kisses along her breasts working his way up to her lips. Olivia began to let out a loud moan when Rafael’s tongue interrupted. He massaged her breast with one hand as he started to move faster.

As they kissed Rafael grunted into her mouth as he pushed himself further into her, “God.”

When things started to quicken Rafael placed one hand tightly on the edge of the desk and the other firmly on her stomach as he pumped into her. With each deep thrust he could feel himself under his hand.

“Oh-oh FUCK,” Olivia moaned.

As he thrusts into her he felt the desk moving underneath them, “One of these days we’re going to break my desk,” he laughed out of breath.

“Shut up and fuck me,” she groaned.

“Come here then,” he said pulling her off the desk. He quickly spun her around; grabbing a fist full of hair with one hand he pulled her head back. Leaning forward he whispered, “This what you want?

“Y-yes,” she shuddered; feeling him deep inside her. She gripped the edges of his desk, hard, as he pulled her hair harder with each thrust, “G-God,” she moaned.

As she gripped the sides of his desk she felt his free hand slowly glide it’s way up her body until it rested on her breast. He yanked her hair pulling her head to the side as he leaned forward and peppered her neck with quick kisses. He moved along her neck and continued across her shoulder; biting her hard as he slowed his thrusts. Each thrust was deep and purposeful as he pushed all of his length inside her; he felt her legs quiver while she let out a loud moan.

“You don’t get to come until Papi says so,” he whispered into her ear; gently nipping at her earlobe.

“P-Papi,” Olivia shuddered, “P-Please.”

Rafael smiled as he leaned back; pulling her hair until she could see his face, “You’re going to be good, aren’t you?”

“Y-yes,” she said out of breath.

“Good.” He let some of the pressure on her hair go as he quickened his pace; causing them both to moan. The desk wobbled underneath them as he slammed into her.

Her eyes rolled back as she screamed, “O-oh Fuck!”

“Are you trying to get us caught?” Rafael laughed.

“Faster-“ Olivia begged.

“What did I say?” Rafael smirked as he slowed his pace.

“N-no,” Olivia said letting out a deep breath. “Papi please.”

He slowed to a rhythmic pace as he gently glided his hand of her breast and down her stomach; “Do you want to come?” he teased.

“Yes,” she said out of breath.

Rafael kissed along her neck and jawline as he continued to glide his hand down her body. He started to gently rub circles on her clit as he quickened his pace. Before long Olivia couldn’t fight it any more; she screamed out his name as she came. Rafael moved his hand from her hair and tightly gripped her hips in case her legs gave out. He leaned against her as he whispered, “We’re done when I finish.” His voice sent shivers down her already juddering body as she nodded. As he continued with his quick rhythmic thrusts he used one hand to resume rubbing circles on her clit while the other moved to her breast; pinching and twisting her nipple. They both started to grunt and moan loudly as he quickened every action he was doing. Breathless and unable to say anything Olivia just tightened her grip on his desk as she came again. Not long after Rafael let out a shuddering moan as he came inside her, his thrusts slowing with each stream that came out of him. Rafael leaned against her back as they both tried to catch their breaths, “W-well,” he panted, “That was fun.”

“Are you going to continue working?” she asked as she felt him leave her.

“I don’t think that’s possible now,” he smiled. “Besides I should really make sure you get home safely.”

“How chivalrous,” she laughed as she stood up. As she collected her clothes she looked over at the man she loved and smiled, “I love you.”

He walked over to her and placed a tender hand on her cheek as he said, “I love you too.”

 

The next morning Rafael left their room; dressed for work, to find Olivia frantically looking for something in the living room, “What did you lose now?” he asked as he walked towards her.

“Have you seen my handcuffs?” Olivia asked as she searched the lounge room.

Rafael laughed, “Have you tried the bed?”

“Rafael this is serious,” she sighed.

“I know,” he replied, “I’m being honest, wasn’t that were you last used them?”

“I’ve already checked there,” she mumbled.

“Well, if it’s not here then they could still be in my office, remember?” he smirked. “That was fun.”

“I thought we brought them home,” Olivia frowned.

“It’s not that big a deal,” he sighed, “If they’re still in my office, I’ll bring them to you later, just use another set until then.”

“Just call me if you find them,” she mumbled.

Rafael nodded; “I just hope Carmen doesn’t find them first,” he chuckled.

“Rafael,” she sighed as she searched the lounge one last time. “It won’t look good if I don’t have them…”

“So what?” Rafael shrugged as he walked up behind her. “If anyone says anything it’s because they know what we used them for and they’re just jealous they didn’t have as much fun as we did last night,” he added as he wrapped his arms around her waist and started kissing the back of her neck.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she turned to face him, “Just check your office and call me if you find them.”

“Fine, I’ll leave now,” he sighed as he let go of her. As he walked towards the door Olivia caught his hand; looking back at her he frowned confused, “What?”

She smiled as she closed the gap between, “You’re forgetting something.”

He smirked as he wrapped his arms around her again, “I thought you wanted me to-“

She interrupted him with a tender kiss; after the kiss broke Olivia said, “Okay… Now you can leave.”

“Maybe I don’t want to,” Rafael shrugged as he tightened his grip.

She let out a small laugh; “You have to… You should really finish that trial prep you were doing last night.”

“I guess,” he said; his eyes watching her lips as she spoke.

“Rafael,” Olivia sighed. “You need to find those cuffs for me.”

“Alright,” he mumbled. “One last kiss for the road?”

Olivia smiled as she leaned in and kissed him, “Better?” she smiled against his lips.

“It will have to do,” Rafael mumbled as he quickly snuck in an extra kiss. As the kiss broke he dropped his hands to his side and started for the door; “I’ll talk to you as soon as I find them.”

  

Half an hour later Rafael was mindlessly walking towards his office when Carmen smiled, “Morning.”

“Morning,” Rafael nodded.

“Busy night?” she asked.

“You know how trial prep is,” he shrugged as he entered his office. He walked towards his desk and smiled as he thought about the previous nights adventure; he turned his attention to his chair. His heart dropped a little when he couldn’t see the cuffs, “Where are they?” he questioned.

As he looked around his desk there was a subtle knock at the door; Rafael turned to find Carmen smiling at him, “Looking for something?”

“Um,” Rafael hesitated, “Have you seen… Um, never mind.”

Carmen smiled as she asked, “Late night visitors?”

“What?” he frowned.

She held out her hand showing the cuffs, “I cleaned your office this morning…”

Rafael’s mouth dropped, “I…” he mumbled; feeling his cheeks being to blush.

“I found the key on the floor,” she laughed, “Don’t worry I won’t say anything.”

“I appreciate that,” he said as he slowly made his way over to her. As she handed him the cuffs he sighed, “It’s been a rough few days-“

“You don’t need to explain,” she said. “Just tell Olivia that you have her cuffs… I’m sure she’s looking for them.”

Rafael laughed awkwardly, “I, um.”

“Never would have thought you would be embarrassed-“

“I’m not,” Rafael defended looking away from her. “I just don’t know what to say…”

“Mhmm,” she smirked, “I’ll be at my desk if you need me.”

Rafael nodded as he watched her turned towards her desk; once she was out of the doorway he quickly closed the door behind her and sighed. _Well shit_. Shaking his head he walked towards his chair and sat down; pulling his phone out he dialled Olivia’s number. “Hey,” he laughed, “Guess what I found…”

“My cuffs?” she asked.

“Well… I didn’t find them,” he admitted.

“Oh no,” she said.

Rafael laughed, “Yeah that was a fun conversation to have.”

“Guess we should stop-“

“Woah,” Rafael frowned. “No need to be rash… Carmen won’t say anything.”

Olivia laughed, “Okay well I’ll come by your office- Actually no.” She paused as she thought, “Why don’t you come to my office and give them to me.”

“Avoiding Carmen, are we?” Rafael quipped.

“Maybe for a few days,” Olivia admitted.

“Okay, I’ll bring them over later,” he nodded. “Oh and don’t forget to take tomorrow off or at least make it half a day.”

“Why?”

“Are you kidding me?” Rafael frowned. “It’s bad enough I’ve already postponed our date-”

“Calm down,” Olivia laughed, “I didn’t forget. I have Fin already covering for me tomorrow and Lucy agreed to take Noah for the night.”

“Don’t do that,” Rafael sighed, “I want this date to happen.”

“I know,” she replied, “It will everything is in order… It will happen.”

“Okay,” he mumbled. “Well I have to finish off some stuff before I can get to the precinct… I’ll see you later,” he said as he ended the call.

 

The next night there was a knock on the door, “Rafael can you get that?” Olivia called out. The only response she got was more knocking, “Are you kidding me, Rafael answer the door!” she frowned. Still no response from him but instead another knock; she sighed as she left her room, as she made her way towards the door she looked out for Rafael but there was no sign of him. “I swear to God Rafael if you-” she paused as she opened the door. The sight of Rafael standing in front of her holding a dozen roses greeted her; the mix of reds, pink and purples stood out against his black suit. He was wearing a striking blue paisley tie with a matching pocket square. “What are you doing?” she smiled. He just stood there at a loss for words as he looked her up and down; in complete awe. She was wearing an elegant dark navy blue dress that fell towards the floor with such grace. As it neared the floor there was some flecks of sliver shining off it; making it look like the night sky. “Rafael, what are you doing?” she repeated.

Rafael blinked a few times as he was pulled out of his trance, “I’m sorry,” he smiled as he looked at her face. “It seems I’m at a loss for words…”

She felt her cheeks being to blush, “You’ve seen this before,” she chuckled.

“Not on you,” he replied.

“Why aren’t you inside?”

“Oh right,” he laughed, “I’m picking you up for our date.”

“You live here,” she laughed, “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know but I thought it would be a nice change… Oh and these are for you,” he added handing her the flowers.

“They’re beautiful,” she said as she pressed her nose into one; taking in the lovely aroma.

“They’re nothing compared to you,” he smiled.

“Oh Rafi.”

“Are you gonna invite me in?” he quipped, “Or is your Papi home?”

“Come inside,” she said rolling her eyes but unable to hide her smile from his joke.

Rafael smirked as he walked past her, “So, almost ready?”

Olivia closed the door behind them and walked towards the kitchen, “Almost, I’ve just got to put my shoes on and put these in a vase-“

“Okay,” Rafael nodded as he looked at his watch, “Well we should start heading off soon.”

“Are you going to tell me where yet?” Olivia said as she took out a vase from the kitchen drawer.

Rafael walked into the kitchen and smiled, “No.”

“You have to give me something,” she sighed.

“Why don’t you let me finish that,” he said walking towards her. “And you go put your shoes on.”

As he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder she smiled, “Fine but I still want to know where we’re going.”

“Just accept the surprise,” he shrugged; taking the flowers from her.

Nodding Olivia started towards the bedroom; she paused when she reached the kitchen doorway and looked behind her to see Rafael gently arranging the flowers in the vase. She smiled as she ran back towards him wrapping her arms around his waist; giving him a kiss on the cheek, “I love them thank you.”

Rafael smiled as he turned his head towards her, “Go get ready.”

“Fine,” she laughed as turned away.

Rafael watched her as she left the room; laughing he shook his head and finished putting the flowers in the vase. He promptly filled them with water and as he turned around to place them on the counter he paused; Olivia was standing in the doorway again, smiling. He smirked as he quickly put the vase on the counter and walked towards her, “Now you’re taller than me.”

“It’s not by much… Is it a problem?” she said.

“Not at all,” he laughed as he leaned up and kissed her. “Now come on,” he added taking her hand, “We’re going to be late.”

Olivia nodded as she let him guide her out of the house; as they left she noticed a cab already waiting for them. As they neared the cab Olivia asked, “Going to tell me where we’re going yet?”

“Nope,” Rafael chuckled as he opened the car door.

Olivia laughed as she got in, “I had to try one more time.”

 

Twenty minutes later they arrived outside a restaurant; Rafael got out of the cab first and held out his hand, when Olivia took it he helped her out. “I’ll just be a minute,” Rafael said as he closed the door and moved towards the driver. Olivia took a few steps from the car as she admired the Italian restaurant he had chosen. Not long after Rafael had placed a gentle hand on the small of her back, “Ready?” he smiled.

She nodded as they started towards the door; he removed his hand as he opened the door and waited for Olivia to enter. He followed closely behind her as they approached the front counter; a hostess greeted them, “Evening, do you have a reservation?”

“We do,” Rafael nodded, “It should be under Barba.”

The woman paused as ran her finger down a book in front of her; “Ah yes,” she smiled. “Table for two.”

“That would be it,” Rafael smiled.

“Well follow me,” she said as she took hold of two menus.

As they walked across the room Olivia couldn’t help but smile while she looked around the restaurant. It was a charming little restaurant with dimly lit chandeliers hanging down; each table dressed in an elegant red cloth with a small rose centrepiece. “This place is beautiful,” she gawked.

“New here?” the woman smiled as she stopped in front of a booth.

“First time,” Olivia nodded. “I can’t believe I didn’t know this was here.”

Rafael walked around and helped Olivia slide into her seat as he said, “I think I made the right choice.”

Shortly after Rafael sat across from Olivia; he stared at her as he admired the way she smiled; “Did you want any water or other drinks before you order?”

“Yeah,” Rafael said; his eyes not leaving Olivia. “Can I get a bourbon?”

“Sure,” the woman nodded then turned her attention to Olivia, “Was there anything you wanted?

“Just a glass of your best red,” Olivia smiled as she flipped her hair out of her face.

“I’ll be back shortly with those.”

Olivia watched the woman as she left then turned her attention to Rafael; finding he was already smiling at her, “So what’s the occasion?”

“Who said there had to be an occasion?” Rafael laughed.

“Come on,” Olivia smiled, “This place is a little fancy for an ordinary date night.”

Rafael shrugged, “I saw this place a few weeks ago and wanted to bring you.”

“Alright,” Olivia nodded.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they stared into each other’s eyes; it was broken when Rafael chuckled to himself. Olivia frowned confused, “What?”

He grinned as he said, “I just can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be sitting across from you.”

“Oh Rafi,” Olivia said; feeling her cheeks start to blush.

“You are breathtakingly beautiful,” he smiled as he took hold of her hand. His eyes not leaving hers, “I love you so much.”

Olivia looked away from Rafael as she smiled from ear to ear, “I love you too.”

Not long after the woman returned with their drinks, “Here you go,” she smiled; placing them on the table. “Are we ready to order yet?”

Rafael let go of Olivia; “Not yet,” Rafael mumbled as he looked at the hostess.

“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll give you some more time.”

“Thank you,” he smiled.

As the woman left Olivia smiled as she picked up the menu, “How long have you been planning this date?”

Rafael laughed, “Will you stop asking me about tonight.”

“Fiiine,” she chuckled.

“What time is Noah coming home tonight?” Rafael asked.

“He’s not,” Olivia smiled, “We have the whole house to ourselves, why?”

“Just seeing if we needed to be home at a certain time,” he shrugged as he picked up his own menu.

“Not tonight.” As they sat there looking at the menu Olivia asked, “How’s Noah’s adoption going?”

“Finalizing the paperwork now,” Rafael muttered as he took a sip of his drink. “I can’t wait till it’s all over and he’s my son.”

“He already is,” Olivia said looking up from her menu. “He idolizes you so much as it is.”

“I honestly love that kid so much,” Rafael smiled as he glanced over to her.

Olivia beamed as he said those words; “You make me so happy.”

Taking hold of her hand again; “That’s how you make me feel everyday,” he smirked. As he gently ran his thumb over the back of her hand he added, “Don’t suppose we could just skip dinner?”

“Rafael,” Olivia laughed, “You’re the one who organised it.”

“I know,” he nodded. “I just… I can’t wait.”

“Wait for what?” she asked confused, “To go home?”

“No,” he smiled. “You’re just gonna have to wait,” he teased.

“Oh come on,” Olivia rolled her eyes, “Will you just tell me?”

Rafael laughed as he glanced down at his menu, “So, what are you thinking of getting?”

“You know you want to tell me,” she smiled as she ran her foot gently along his calf.

“Oh don’t tease me,” he smirked as he put down his menu. “That’s just not fair.”

Olivia leaned towards him as she whispered, “If you tell me… I’ll make it worth your while.”

Rafael bit his bottom lip as he felt Olivia move her toes higher up his leg; “I’m not going to tell you-“

“Are you sure?” she smirked as she leaned in closer to him.

“God you’re amazing,” he grinned as he leaned towards her. “Now give me a kiss.” She gave him a quick tender kiss before leaning back in her chair, “Aw, is that all I get?” he sighed.

“You’re just gonna have to wait,” she repeated as she lifted her menu.

“Oh don’t use my words against me,” he laughed.

“How about we decide what to eat,” she smiled.

Rafael leaned back into his chair as he picked up his menu; they sat there talking back and forth about the options on the menu until the hostess walked back up the table, “Do you still need more time?”

Rafael looked over to Olivia as he said, “I’m good, what about you?”

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded then proceeded to tell the woman her order; not long after Rafael did the same.

 

They spent the next hour and a half smiling and laughing as they flirted; until Rafael checked his watch, “Oh I didn’t realise it was getting so late.”

“Got somewhere to be?” Olivia asked.

“Only with you,” he smiled. “But I think they might want this table,” he as he looked over to the hostess; who was eyeing them off.

Olivia laughed, “Okay.”

Rafael swiftly stood up from the table and held out his hand, “Shall we?”

She took hold of his hand and he helped her out of the booth, “What’s the plan now?”

“I don’t know,” Rafael shrugged, “I think we’re supposed to pay.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, “You know that’s not what I meant.”

Rafael wrapped one arm around Olivia’s waist as they walked towards the front counter, “Stay right here,” he smiled as he left to pay. When he came back he started for the door; opening it for her as she walked out. As they left the restaurant Olivia started to hail for a cab when Rafael pulled her away from the curb, “You know what,” he smiled. “I see a park entrance over there, how about we take a stroll?”

“That sounds nice,” she smiled as she took his hand. Rafael led Olivia across the road and into the park; as they walked further in Rafael smirked, “What?” Olivia questioned.

“What?” Rafael laughed.

“You’re smiling,” she replied, “Why?”

He shrugged, “I’m just enjoying your company.”

“Mhmm,” Olivia said raising an eyebrow.

Laughing, Rafael nodded, “Okay, you got me… I want to show you something.”

“What’s that?” Olivia asked curiously.

“You’re just gonna have to wait and see,” Rafael teased. The park was beautiful at night under the full moon; it allowed for a lovely moment between the two as they approached an old stone bridge. “It’s just a little further,” he said as they walked on the bridge.

Stopping at the top Olivia looked out over the edge, noting how the moonlight danced across the water running underneath them. “It really is beautiful Rafi,” she smiled.

Rafael watched Olivia as she looked out at the view; while she was distracted Rafael rummaged through his jacket pocket and pulled out a velvet box. He was so nervous he almost dropped the box as he got down on one knee. He paused as he admired her; noticing the way her dress shimmered in the moonlight. He smiled, “It’s not as beautiful as the view I’m looking at.”

Olivia looked around confused for a moment until she saw him, “Rafael,” she said breathless, “Yes!”

Rafael chuckled, “I haven’t even asked yet.”

“Sorry,” she smiled.

He cleared his throat, “Olivia, you have changed me, I’m a better person with you by my side. Honestly I haven’t been this happy in so long and I’m forever grateful that you’re the reason behind it. If you’ll let me, I know I can be a good husband and father…” he paused as he opened the box showing the diamond ring, “Olivia Margaret Benson, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

Olivia smiled; tears forming in her eyes, unable to speak she nodded furiously.

“Well,” Rafael beamed as he took the ring from the box, “Can I have your hand?”

Olivia quickly held out her left hand in front of him; as he slid the ring on she smiled; tears of joy threating to fall, “It’s beautiful.”

Once he was done he slowly stood up and pulled her close to him, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she grinned as she peppered him with kisses.

Kissing her back; “Do you want to go home?” he said against her lips.

“I want to tell everyone,” Olivia giggled.

Rafael broke the kiss and laughed, “You can do that in the morning.”

“Together?” Olivia asked.

“Of course,” he smiled as he took hold of her right hand. “Let’s go home.”

As they walked through the park Olivia couldn’t help but smile as she stared at the new ring on her hand; watching it shine in the moonlight. 

 

The next morning Rafael walked Olivia into the squad room; hand in hand, “Guys,” Olivia beamed, “Can you meet us in the break room?”

“What’s this about?” Rollins asked.

As they turned towards the break room Rafael looked over his shoulder, “Just follow us.”

Fin, Carisi and Rollins slowly made their way into the break room; once inside Olivia kindly asked Fin, “Can you close the door?”

“What about Stabler?” Fin replied.

“He can find out later,” Rafael shrugged, “We want to tell our friends something before we tell anyone else.” Fin nodded and closed the door.

Rollins excitedly asked, “Sooo what’s this big news?”

Olivia and Rafael looked at each other and smiled; “You can tell them,” Rafael smirked, “I know you’ve been dying to.”

“Okay,” she grinned. Turning back to everyone she let go of Rafael’s hand showed everyone her ring, “We’re engaged!”

“Oh my god!” Rollins shrieked; walking towards Olivia, “It’s about time! Look at that thing!”

Fin walked up to Rafael and gave him a pat on the shoulder, “Congratulations,” he smiled.

“Thank you,” Rafael beamed, “I honestly didn’t think I would be doing this.”

Carisi stayed back near the door; “Congratulations you two,” he smiled, “I should get back to work though.”

“Oh, won’t you stay for a little,” Olivia sighed.

Carisi glanced over to Rafael, “No, I’ve got some leads I need to track down, I should get started.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded.

“I’m happy for you two though,” Carisi said as he opened the door and left.

“You have to tell me everything!” Rollins beamed, “Don’t leave anything out.”

Olivia laughed, “Okay so-“

“I’m just going to go check up on him,” Rafael interrupted. “I’ll be back soon.” Olivia nodded; Rafael slowly made his way out the door, hearing Olivia recount the previous nights adventure. He looked around the squad room and only just caught a glimpse of Carisi walking around the corner towards the elevator; he promptly followed. As he got closer the elevator doors shut; sighing, he opened the doors to the stairs and proceeded to run down them. Panting, he saw Carisi walking towards the front doors, “Carisi!” he huffed, “Wait up!” Carisi kept continued to walk outside; Rafael ran after him, “Sonny, please stop.”

Carisi stopped; as he turned to face Rafael he looked around, “Why?”

“What?” Rafael gasped; catching up to Carisi.

“Just tell me why her?” Carisi repeated.

“I… I don’t know,” Rafael mumbled, “It just happened.”

“I spent months trying to get you to let me in,” Carisi sighed, “You never even said I love you back!”

“I know,” Rafael nodded, “But I did… I do-”

“The second I told you how I felt you withdrew from me; even more than you already were,” Carisi frowned. “Not long after you ended it… and _NOW_ , now you’re engaged.”

“I had feelings for you and got scared…” he trailed off.

“I just don’t understand why her… What makes her so special? She’s broken your heart as many times as you’ve broken mine,” Carisi sighed, “I know because I was always there for you.”

Rafael stood stunned, “I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.”

Carisi shook his head, “The crazy thing is, I still love you but I’m happy you finally found someone that you’ll let in. Congratulations Barba,” he said and started to walk away.

“Sonny, please,” Rafael begged; trying to follow him.

Carisi stopped; turning to face Rafael, “Can I just ask you… Does Olivia even know about us… about you?”

Rafael looked away, “No and I wasn’t going to tell her.”

“That’s what I thought,” he mumbled; turning on his heels.

Rafael watched as Carisi walked away, “Sonny?” he called out.

“Don’t,” Carisi huffed, “I just need some time so please don’t contact me outside of work.”

Rafael sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, now go enjoy your moment,” Carisi muttered as he kept walking.

Sighing Rafael turned on his heels and walked back into the precinct; once he got back into the break room he forced a smile as he listened to Amanda gawk at Olivia’s ring. Olivia saw him standing in the doorway, “Everything okay with Carisi?” she asked.

“It’s fine,” he nodded as he watched her walk towards him, “Misunderstanding is all.”

Olivia sighed as she pulled him into a hug, “Are you okay? You can tell me if something’s bothering you.”

“You kidding?” Rafael smirked as he leaned back to look at her. “I’m engaged to you. I’m more than okay, I’m ecstatic.”

As his smile faded Olivia replied, “What is it?”

Before he could answer Amanda came over smiling, “So picked any dates yet?”

Olivia laughed, “Not yet… we only got engaged last night.”

“I’ll, um, see you later,” Rafael mumbled as he stepped out of her embrace. “I’ve got to go to work.”

“Raf-“ Olivia sighed as she looked back to him, “Don’t go.”

Smiling, Rafael said, “It’s your moment besides I’m sure Carmen has been waiting for this news for awhile now.”

“It’s our moment.”

“I love you,” he said as he left.

  

A few days later Rafael was just outside his front door when he heard laughter coming from inside; as he unlocked it he was surprised to see Elliot Stabler sitting in the lounge room with Olivia. “Oh hey, didn’t know you were coming home so soon,” she said as she looked at Rafael.

“I thought I would surprise you,” Rafael frowned as he eyed off the man sitting in his spot.

“We were just talking about you,” Olivia smiled.

“I’m sure you were,” he remarked, “What’s he doing here?”

“He just popped in to say hello,” she answered.

Elliot slowly stood up, “I should probably get going ‘Liv.”

“I think you should,” Rafael added walking towards them.

“Rafael,” Olivia huffed.

“It’s fine,” Elliot smiled, “I have to get things ready.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she stood up next to him. “I’m sorry.”

“Honestly ‘Liv, it’s fine,” Elliot nodded, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As Olivia walked Elliot to the door Rafael glared at them both; once the door closed he said, “Now why was he really here?”

“I told you,” she frowned, “He came over to say hello.”

“And?”

“And what?” she huffed; walking towards him, “There’s nothing else to say.”

“Where’s your ring?” he asked flatly.

Olivia looked down at her left hand, “I was doing the dishes.”

Rafael scoffed, “Yeah, right.”

“It’s the truth,” she sighed.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve seen you wear it since I gave it to you-“

“Stop this, it’s getting ridiculous,” she huffed. “Of course I wear the ring, I only took it off to do the dishes… I only love you Rafael, you need to accept that there’s nothing going on between Elliot and I.”

“I hope not,” he sighed.

“Trust me,” she said as she pulled him into a hug, “What do you want me to do to prove that to you?”

“Don’t hire him,” he mumbled.

“I, uh,” she sighed.

He frowned, “You already hired him, didn’t you?”

“I did,” she said, “He needs this.”

“You didn’t want to consult me first?” Rafael growled.

“It’s not your choice,” she answered.

After a moment of thought Rafael huffed, “I don’t want to be that guy but I don’t want him coming around here… You’ve just decided for the both of us that he’s working SVU. At least here, in my own home I can have a say.”

“It’s my squad,” Olivia frowned.

“That I have to work with!” he yelled breaking the hug.

Olivia hesitated, “He’s a good cop, I could use someone who already knows the job-”

“And knows you,” he rolled his eyes.

“Mommy?” Noah mumbled as he walked towards them, “Rafi?”

“Hey buddy,” Rafael smiled; kneeling down, “Come here and give me a hug.”

“OKAY,” Noah grinned. He ran up to Rafael and jumped into his arms; as Rafael stood up he threw Noah up into the air. When he caught him again Rafael pulled Noah into him, “Again,” Noah laughed. Rafael chuckled as he did as he was told; afterwards Noah tightly hugged Rafael, “I missed you Rafi.”

“I missed you too,” he smirked, “Now, how about we get you in some proper clothes?”

“Are we going somewhere?” Olivia asked.

“Noah and I are,” Rafael replied.

Olivia’s heart dropped, “Where are you taking _my_ son?”

“The park,” Rafael answered.

“It’s getting late, I don’t want him in the park at night,” she said.

“He’ll be fine,” he mumbled.

“I wanna go with Rafi,” Noah smiled.

“No Noah,” Olivia sighed. Turning her gaze to Rafael she added, “He’s not going, besides we’re not done talking.”

“Yes we are,” Rafael frowned. Looking to Noah he mumbled, “How about I take you to the park tomorrow after my run?”

“Okay,” Noah sighed disappointed.

“Instead why don’t you pick a movie and we can watch it in my room,” Rafael suggested.

“Any movie?” Noah asked.

Rafael smiled, “Any movie.”

“Yay,” Noah said excitedly. Once Rafael put him down Noah ran to cabinet under the TV in the lounge room and pulled out his favourite movie; as he turned around he looked at Olivia, “Are you coming too Mommy?”

Olivia glanced over to Rafael; he was avoiding her, before looking back at Noah, “I have some work I need to do,” she sighed. “You and Rafi make yourselves comfortable on the bed and I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready.”

“Oh,” Noah pouted.

“More room for us,” Rafael said. He held out a hand as Noah walked towards him; once Noah took his hand Rafael walked him towards his room.

  

An hour later Olivia cautiously opened the bedroom door to find Noah asleep in Rafael’s arms, “Can you come out here please?” she whispered.

Rafael looked down at the sleeping boy in his arms and sighed, “Okay.” As he carefully removed himself off the bed Noah began to wake up, “Shh,” he soothed as he ran his hand gently across Noah’s back. Once he knew Noah was asleep again Rafael leaned down and kissed him softly on the forehead then started for the door. He brushed pass Olivia as he left the room.

“I think we need to talk,” she said quietly as she closed the bedroom door.

As Olivia turned to face him she was surprised to find him already looking at her, “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know my behaviour has been terrible lately.”

“Why have you been acting this way?” Olivia sighed.

“Because it’s him,” he answered.

“There’s more to it than that,” she mumbled, “I know there is.”

Rafael closed his eyes for a moment while he thought of his answer; _she was right_ , he thought, _I should just tell her._ Before long he opened his eyes and he found himself saying, “There’s nothing more.”

Olivia sighed, “I do hope that one day you will trust me enough to tell me the truth.”

“I am,” he replied. “I just don’t like the guy ‘Liv and you’ve now forced him down my throat.”

“You’re right,” she nodded, “I should have consulted you first but I could use someone like him.”

“I would have preferred it if you had of told me you were going to hire him before you told him,” he sighed. “I should have known first after everything he’s done.”

“I’m sorry,” she nodded, “But it is what it is now.”

“Yeah,” Rafael mumbled; looking down at the floor.

She could see there something else eating him up inside; “What is it?” Olivia asked.

“Don’t you trust me with Noah?” Rafael sheepishly asked.

“Of course I trust you, it’s just…” Olivia paused.

“You don’t think I can keep my son safe,” he sighed looking up at her. “That I’ll fail again.”

Olivia looked at him confused, “You’ve never failed to keep Noah safe.”

“Why wouldn’t you let me take him?”

“It wasn’t because of you Raf,” she sighed, “I wouldn’t take him at this time myself; you and I have seen the scum that comes from this city.” She slowly closed the gap between them, “It’s just part of being a parent; if there’s a chance something you do causes harm to your child you just wouldn’t do it.”

Rafael lowered his head; sighing he said, “Yeah you’re right. Losing a child because of your decisions will hurt you forever.”

Olivia pulled him into a hug, “Thank you for understanding,” she smiled.

“More than you know,” he mumbled; lowering his head into her shoulder before she saw the tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” she asked when she felt him shudder in her arms.

Wrapping his arms tightly around her he muttered, “I’m just sorry for everything, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know,” she comforted as she rubbed his back. “How about we order some take-away,” she suggested.

“I’m not hungry but order food for the two of you,” he sighed, lifting his head. “I think I just want to go to bed.”

“So early?” she questioned.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Rafi, would you be opposed to a suggestion?” she asked, “I would like to spend some time with you, after all you came home early.”

Rafael smiled a little, “What did you have in mind?”

Olivia smiled as she took hold of his hand, “Well… How about I order dinner while you pick a movie and we spend the night on the lounge? Just a nice simple night.”

“Sure,” Rafael nodded. “I’d like that.”

  

The next morning Olivia woke to an empty bed; _Rafael must be on his run already_ , she thought as she reached for her phone. It was 8:30am; Rafael would usually run around 5am or late at night when he couldn’t sleep but on the days he wasn’t working he’d leave at 8am. As Olivia sat up she figured he would be back in an hour and a half so she decided it was a good idea to have a shower then catch up on some paperwork before Noah wakes and her day really begins.

 

Ten minutes later Olivia was drying herself off when the house phone started to ring, wrapping the towel around herself she quickly jogged towards the phone next to her bed; hoping it didn’t wake Noah. “Hello,” Olivia answered.

“Is Mr Rafael Barba there?” a lady asked.

“No,” she replied, “Who’s calling?”

“I’m Margret, I’m calling on behalf of the Bank of America,” the woman responded.

“Oh?” Olivia frowned, “Is there something wrong with our account?”

“Mr Barba’s name is the only one on the account so I can’t disclose too much detail, sorry,” Margret sighed.

“Can you at least tell me what it’s about so I can tell him to call you back?” Olivia asked.

“It’s about his monthly transactions, the latest one has been declined and we just want to know if he would like to continue,” Margret answered.

“I’ll let him know when he comes back from his run,” Olivia sighed, “Thank you for calling.”

“No problem, have a lovely day,” Margret said; ending the call.

 _A secret account?_ Olivia thought, _What is he hiding from me?_ Deciding she wasn’t going to wait for answers she dialled Amanda’s number, “Amanda, I need you to do something for me but you can’t tell anyone.”

“What’s going on?” Amanda hastily asked.

“I just need you to check on an account for me, get as much as you can without a warrant,” Olivia mumbled.

“Olivia, talk to me,” Amanda sighed, “What case is this?”

Olivia took a deep breath, “Can you just do it for me, no questions asked.”

“Okay but I don’t think I’ll be able to get a lot,” she replied.

“Thank you,” Olivia sighed, “Just text me what you find, please do it quickly.”

“I’ll have it to you within the hour,” Amanda responded; ending the call.

 

Almost an hour later Rafael entered their home; he continued into the living room where he saw Olivia sitting on the lounge, phone in hand, “Noah awake yet?” he asked checking his watch as he walked towards her.

“No,” she replied.

“Oh good,” he smiled, “Means I can have a shower before I take him to the park.”

“How about you take him later,” she suggested.

“He’ll be disappointed,” Rafael said confused, “Why?”

Before she replied a message came through on her phone; “One second,” she frowned as she opened it.

“Can’t take a day off?” he smirked.

She finished reading the message Amanda sent her and sighed, “It’s not work.”

“Not planning a secret engagement party, are you?” he quipped.

“I got a call earlier this morning,” Olivia began.

“Oh, what was it?” he asked.

She hesitated, “It was from the bank.”

“’Liv… How much did they say?” Rafael said seriously; his smile disappearing from his face. “I need to know what they said to you.”

“A transfer of yours has been declined and they wanted to see if you would like to continue with the monthly transitions,” she replied.

Rafael closed his eyes as he brought his hand to his mouth, “Okay,” he nodded; taking a deep breath. Opening his eyes he added, “I’ll deal with it.”

“What, that’s it?” she uttered; hint of anger in her voice.

“It’s not your problem,” Rafael shrugged as he began to walk away.

“Don’t walk away from me,” Olivia frowned, “You have a secret account, what for?”

“It’s nothing, just drop it,” Rafael sighed; turning to face her.

“No!” Olivia yelled as she stood up. “You and I are getting married, you shouldn’t keep such a big secret from me.”

“Just get over it,” Rafael huffed, “I got over you kissing another man. The least you could do is drop this-”

“I can’t and you know I can’t,” she replied, “It’s over $1,000 a month Rafael.”

“You had no right to access my account!”

“I knew you wouldn’t tell me about it,” Olivia sighed, “I just wanted to be sure you weren’t…”

“I wasn’t what?” he snarled, “Cheating? Being blackmailed? You had no right no matter what you thought.”

“Well, are you?”

“What!” Rafael growled, “No! I’m… It’s complicated. You don’t need to know.”

“Talk to me,” Olivia pushed. “We’re partners, you’re suppose to be able to trust me but if you can’t then…” she drifted off.

Rafael shook his head; frustrated he was pushed into an impossible situation _, tell her or lose her_ , “Okay, fine,” he said rolling his eyes. “Remember a week or so ago I was pissed off at you for the father remark you made?” he sighed.

Olivia took a deep breath, “I do and I’m still sorry I said that.”

“Do you know why it pissed me off so much?”

“You told me it was because of Noah and his adoption,” Olivia replied.

“That’s part of it,” Rafael nodded. “But there’s more…”

“What does it have to do with your secret bank account?” she questioned.

“Everything,” he paused; closing his eyes, as he took a slow deep breath. When he opened his eyes he looked directly at Olivia, “I have a daughter.”

“You what?”

“I have a daughter,” Rafael repeated slowly; the words sounded foreign coming from him. Olivia’s eyes were shifting back and forth as she tried to process what Rafael had just said. Realising she’d have a lot of questions Rafael decided to continue, “It’s been years since I’ve seen her but there’s one day I’ll never forget… I decided to come home early one afternoon to talk to her but instead I found her on the floor. Everything went slow motion as I dropped everything and ran across the room; falling to the floor when I reached her. I begged God to save her as I rocked back and forth with her in my arms,” he paused; taking a deep breath, “She overdosed… She died in my arms ‘Liv, her heart stopped and that’s something I’ll never forget,” he sniffled; his eyes beginning to water.

“What happened to her?”

“I was frantic, I could barely think as I did everything I could to bring her back… and it’s a miracle something worked. But after that it wasn’t the same, I left her mother and she grew up hating me. She never wants to see me again so I do what I can to help her out. That’s why I send her money every month, in the hope that one day she’ll understand.”

“You never told me you had a daughter-“

“I never told anyone,” Rafael sighed. “It’s something I don’t like to publicly share.”

“Why’d you leave them?” Olivia asked cautiously.

“My then wife cheated on me,” he replied, “And my daughter… ‘Liv I really do hope you never have to deal with Noah hating you as much as she hates me.”

“Rafael, I’m so sorry,” she said closing the gap.

Rafael wiped the tears from his eyes, “It was a long time ago; over ten years and I still get emotional every time I think about seeing her lifeless body on the floor.”

Olivia pulled him into a hug, “I didn’t mean to bring up old wounds.”

“I know,” Rafael mumbled into her shoulder.

“Can I ask a question?” Olivia hesitated.

“What?”

“What’s your daughters name?”

Rafael lifted his head; his eyes red, “No.”

Olivia frowned confused, “Raf?”

“I’m sorry but I’m not sharing anymore than what I’ve just told you,” he stepped out of the hug and started for the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” Olivia sighed.

“I need to lie down for a while,” he answered, “This isn’t an easy topic for me so I would appreciate it if you didn’t pursue it further.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based a few months after the first chapter

As Rafael walked through their home after a long day at work he was greeted by the sight of the living room furniture pushed up against the walls, “Redecorating are we?” he chuckled.

Olivia answered as she walked out of the kitchen, “Thought we could use the space.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow, “For what?” he asked placing his bags along the wall.

“I know you’ve been a little down the last few months so I thought I could try to cheer you up,” she smiled walking over to him.

“’Liv you don’t need to-“

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him tenderly, “I’d do anything for you.”

Rafael gave her a quick kiss back as he smiled, “You’re amazing.” When Olivia let go of him, he continued into the room and gawked at all the furniture, “How’d you manage to move all of this?”

“I had help,” she smiled.

“From?”

“Noah,” she laughed, “He helped with the smaller stuff. The rest was pretty easy to push.”

“Oh, he’s a good kid,” he laughed, “Speaking of which where is he?”

“In his room playing with some toys,” she replied.

Rafael nodded as he turned to face her, “So, what’s this for?”

She gave him a big smile as she asked, “Do you want to dance?”

“I would love to,” Rafael smiled. He watched as Olivia walked over to the stereo and pressed play; when salsa music started playing he looked at her confused, “What’s this?”

“I see the way you move those hips of yours when you make dinner,” Olivia smiled as Rafael laughed, “And you look like you’re having so much fun so I thought I would learn to dance like that.”

“I could have taught you,” Rafael chuckled.

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” she replied.

“Well I’m surprised,” he smiled. He held out his hand, “Shall we?”

“Of course,” she smiled as she took his hand. In one quick movement Rafael had spun her around and into his arms, “You’ve done that before, haven’t you?”

“Not with someone like you,” Rafael smirked as he started to move with the music. One of his hands slowly ran down the length of her body, admiring every curve; but once he reached her hip he grabbed her firmly and pulled her close to him.

Olivia followed his lead; admiring the way he moved his hips effortlessly with the music. She matched his movements as best she could but he was fast on his feet; “I didn’t realise how good you were,” she laughed as she twirled out of his arms. “I might need some more lessons.”

“I think you look great,” he grinned. As he moved towards her he said, “But I’d be more than happy to help you practice.” When he got close he placed his hands on her waist and pulled her against him; as their bodies moved together with the music he smirked, “Ready for the big finish?”

“Rafi,” she panted, “I don’t think I-“

“Trust me?”

“Always,” she smiled. He placed one hand on her lower back, the other on her thigh, pulling it up towards him; as she leaned back he leaned forward with her.

As the song ended he kissed her while he slid his hand along her thigh; “I needed that, thank you,” he smiled against her lips.

While he helped her up Olivia grinned, “You kidding? I’d say that was more of a treat for me than you. God those hips of yours…”

Rafael laughed, “I can’t say I’ve danced like that for a long time.”

“Well, we’re just going to have to fix that,” she said.

“Is that so?” he smirked as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Yep,” she nodded, “Can’t let you keep those hips all to yourself.”

Rafael chuckled, “Yes Ma’am.” He leaned in and gave her a passionate kiss, as it broke he rested his forehead on hers, “How about we slow down the music?”

“Okay,” she nodded. He promptly let go of her and walked over to the stereo; after he changed the song he walked back over to her. As the next song played, Rafael wrapped his arms around her waist while she placed hers around his midsection, leaning against his chest, and they started to sway to the music. When Rafael leaned his forehead on Olivia’s she said, “I was thinking-”

“Uh-oh,” Rafael smirked. “What do you have me doing now?”

Olivia laughed, “I was thinking of throwing a party.”

Rafael lifted his head to look at her; “A party?” he questioned; raising an eyebrow.

“An engagement party,” Olivia nodded as they continued to sway.

“I thought we decided not to have one,” he replied. “Why’d you change your mind?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “I just feel like it would be nice for us to just hang out with our friends. We could also make it about you-”

“Me?” Rafael questioned.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “To celebrate the fact the adoption went through and you’re officially Noah’s dad… We could invite Amanda, Fin and Carisi-“

“Carisi won’t come,” Rafael mumbled.

“I’m sure he would,” Olivia smiled.

Rafael shook his head, “No, he’s barely spoken to me since…”

“What happened between you two?”

“It’s nothing Liv,” Rafael reassured.

“Please talk to me,” she sighed.

“I am,” he laughed, “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Alright,” she mumbled, “I hope you two can sort this out because I really want this party.”

Rafael chuckled, “We can talk about having a party later. Right now, I just want to enjoy this moment with you.” He leaned in and kissed her; as their bodies swayed to the music they didn’t hear Noah walk in.

“Rafi,” Noah smiled.

Rafael looked over Olivia’s shoulder and smiled, “Hey kiddo.”

As Noah walked over he asked, “Can you read me a story?”

Rafael let go of Olivia and knelt down; “Wait a second,” he smirked as he held out his arms, “Where’s my hug? I haven’t seen you all day.” Noah grinned as he ran into Rafael’s open arms; wrapping his own around his neck. Rafael slowly stood up as he tightly hugged Noah, “So, I hear you helped Mommy this afternoon,” he smiled.

“I did,” Noah giggled, “Mommy said it was for you.”

“You’re a good kid,” Rafael whispered as he kissed Noah’s forehead.

Noah leaned back in Rafael’s arms, “Did it make you happy?”

“You kidding? I love it,” Rafael beamed. “What brings you out here?”

Noah looked down and started to play with Rafael’s tie when he mumbled, “You’re gonna be mad at me.”

“What?” Rafael said raising an eyebrow. “I could never be mad at you.”

As he continued to fiddle with Rafael’s tie he whispered, “I broke my race car.”

“Oh,” Rafael smiled, “That’s alright.”

Noah sheepishly looked up at Rafael with his big brown eyes, “Can you fix it?”

Rafael grinned, “With that look, how can I say no?”

Olivia placed a hand on Noah’s back, “Wonder where he learnt that?” she laughed.

“Must have been you,” Rafael smirked; his tongue poking out a little.

“Yeah right,” Olivia rolled her eyes. Looking at Noah she added, “Rafi can have a look a little later.”

“Okay,” Noah nodded, “Rafi?”

“Mhmm,” he replied.

“Can you read me a story?” Noah asked.

Rafael looked over to the clock hanging on the wall then looked back at the boy in his arms, “A story? It’s not bedtime.”

“I know,” he sighed, “But I like it when you read the stories. You do all the funny voices.”

Rafael laughed, “I can read you a story but how about you dance with us for a little bit? I can’t let all your hard work go to waste.”

Noah grinned, “Okie.”

Rafael moved Noah to his hip; one arm firmly around him, and held out the other for Olivia to join him. Olivia wrapped both arms around them; placing her head tenderly on Rafael’s shoulder as he held her close to him, “Now this… This makes me happy,” Rafael grinned. 

 

A few days later Rafael was sitting in Olivia’s office, “How much longer are you going to be?” he sighed.

“Raf,” she mumbled, “I’ve just got to quickly write this down. Lunch can wait.”

Rolling his eyes he said, “Fine but please hurry… I’d like to eat before we get another case.”

Olivia laughed, “I’m almost done.” As Olivia typed away at her computer she glanced up briefly and saw Rafael with one arm across the back of her lounge; legs crossed, engrossed in his phone, “You didn’t come home last night,” she mumbled; returning to her computer.

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded, “I fell asleep at my desk again.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot more lately,” she commented.

“I don’t mean to,” he shrugged, “Believe me, I drink enough coffee to give any normal person a heart attack.”

“Oh, I believe that,” Olivia smiled. “I tried calling around 7 but you didn’t pick up.”

Taking his eyes off his phone he looked over to Olivia, “I went for coffee and sat outside for a while… I forgot to put my phone in my pocket and I didn’t return your call because when I got back to my office I got swamped with meetings.”

“That’s okay,” she nodded, “I’m almost done, just a few more things and we’ll be out of here.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes when Carisi knocked on the door, “Hey, we might have a case; Rollins is with Fin checking it out at the scene but I thought I should bring you into the loop.”

“Sure Carisi,” Olivia said gesturing him into her office.

Rafael sighed as he looked down at his phone and started going through his calendar. Tuning in and out of the conversation but he managed to catch Olivia’s question, “Do we know what her name is?”

“Sofia Mandoza,” Carisi replied.

“WHAT?” Rafael said shocked; looking up from his phone. “What did you just say?!”

“Sofia Mand-“

Rafael stood up quickly, “Mandoza? Are you sure?” he interrupted; his mind racing.

“I’m pretty sure,” Carisi nodded; confused.

“How old is she?” Rafael quickly asked.

“Um,” Carisi frowned as he flipped through his note pad, “19 – 20, something like that.”

“N-no, no, no,” he whispered. Rafael’s chest felt tight; “I-I got to go, I can’t do this right now,” he stuttered. Turning on his heals he left Olivia’s office quickly; almost running, he could feel his eyes burning as they watered.

“Rafael?” Olivia called out; getting up from her desk and watching Rafael. Instead of stopping Rafael quickened his pace and left before the tears fell down his face.

“What was that about?” Carisi frowned.

Olivia sighed, “I have no idea.”

“Does he know her?”

“He’s never mentioned anyone by that name,” Olivia shrugged. She paused for a moment when it dawned on her, “Oh…”

“What? You know who she is?” Carisi asked.

“No,” Olivia shook her head, “I have something I need to do, was there anything else you have to tell me?”

“Um, I don’t think so,” Carisi replied, “We don’t have much right now.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “Well if you don’t mind I have a phone call to make.”

“Sure,” he sighed, “I’ll be out there if you need me.”

Olivia waited for Carisi to close the door before she dug her phone out her pocket and dialled Rafael’s number; “Come on Rafael, please pick up,” she mumbled to herself as it rang.

“Olivia, I can’t talk right now,” he sniffled.

“Don’t hang up,” she begged, “I just want to talk.”

“L-Liv, I-I,” he paused; his voice trembling. “Where is she? I didn’t hear that.”

“She’s at Hudson,” Olivia sighed, “Is it her?” Rafael tried to remain as quiet as he could but Olivia could hear the soft whimpers, “Rafael, please.”

“Bye ‘Liv,” he said abruptly ending the call.

 

Rafael saw Amanda just ahead of him; his heart was pounding against his chest, “ROLLINS!” he called out. Amanda turned around and saw him running towards her, “Where is she?”

“What are you doing here-“

“Where is she? Rafael repeated.

“She’s in the bus,” Amanda replied; pointing to the ambulance, “But what are you doing here?”

Rafael pushed past Amanda and started for the ambulance, as he walked around the back he saw Fin talking to her, “Can you tell me what happened?” Fin asked. The girl just looked down at her shaking hands; remaining quiet, “It’s okay, take your time,” he reassured. When Rafael neared he caught Fin’s attention, “Hey, I didn’t think you’d be here.”

“I,” Rafael hesitated, “I have to be.” Rafael’s eyes darted over to the girl; even though she was wrapped in a blanket he could still see some cuts and bruises, _How bad is it?_ he thought.

The girl looked up, wide-eyed, when she heard his voice, “GO AWAY!” she screamed.

“I just want to help-“ Rafael pleaded.

“I DON’T WANT IT!” she yelled.

Fin stood in front of Rafael; stopping him from getting closer, “I think you should go.”

“No!” Rafael huffed; tears forming in his eyes again, “Please, I’m begging you to let me be there for you.”

“I never want to see you!”

Fin pushing against Rafael’s chest; trying to make him go backwards, “Barba, I need you to back off! You’re stressing her out.”

Trying to walk closer Rafael pleaded again, “Don’t do this, please!”

“AMANDA!” Fin called out, “I need help.”

Amanda ran over and stood with Fin pushing Rafael back, “Please Barba, go home.”

Rafael took a long shuddering breath, “Fine… I’ll leave.” A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked at the _stranger_ sitting in the back of the ambulance, “Call me as soon as you know anything,” he whispered to Amanda, “This case is my top priority.”

“Okay but I need you to leave now,” Amanda sighed.

Rafael nodded as he turned around and started to leave; while he was walking he dug out his phone and called Olivia, “Rafael, where are you?”

“Leaving Hudson,” he sighed, “I think I have some explaining to do but not over the phone.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Tell me where and I’ll meet you there.”

“I need a drink,” Rafael mumbled, “Our bar?”

“I can be there in twenty.”

“I’ll be there,” he sniffled.

 

Half an hour later Olivia was walking into their usual bar when she saw Rafael sitting at the bar; staring at the drink he was nursing. “Rafael?”

He slowly turned his gaze to Olivia; he felt drained, “Olivia, I… Sit with me?”

“Of course,” she smiled gently as she sat next to him.

“Want a drink? I’m buying,” he muttered; barely audible.

“I’m still on the clock,” she paused, “And so are you.”

“Just… Let me have a drink,” he mumbled.

“How many have you had?” she sighed.

Taking a sip of his drink he said, “This is, um… my third.”

“Raf-“

“You don’t understand,” Rafael grumbled.

“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ve told them to stop questioning Sofia until I get there.”

Rafael nodded as he started drinking; they sat there silent for five minutes until he was ready to talk. Taking a deep breath he started, “Okay, you want to know what’s going on?”

“Only if you want to share,” Olivia comforted.

“Sofia,” he said slowly; trying not to stutter, “She’s my d-daughter.”

“What happened between you two?” she asked.

“I… I don’t want to talk about it,” Rafael frowned.

“Raf,” she sighed, “Why are we here?”

“We’re here because my little girl,” he sighed, “And she’s our next case.”

“I can understand why you’d want to be here right now-“

“No,” Rafael huffed, “I don’t want to be here. I want to be with her, by her side. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

“It could,” Olivia reassured, “But this isn’t easy for her either.”

“I know,” he sighed; taking a sip of his drink.

“I know why you’re here but why am I?” Olivia asked, “You said you wanted to explain and you’re barely telling me anything.”

“I wanted to explain why I left your office the way I did,” he mumbled into the glass. He took another of his drink then said, “I’m sorry about our lunch plans but when I heard her name I don’t know what happened, it was like I was in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I could feel my emotions start to slip away from me and I didn’t want you or Carisi to see me like that so I ran... Pathetic I know.”

“It’s not,” Olivia said placing a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t imagine how I would react if I ever heard Noah’s name.”

Rafael nodded; a tear in his eye, “I went to Hudson as you know but has anyone told you what happened?”

“No,” she sighed, “Carisi was on the phone to Rollins when I left.”

“Sofia screamed at me when she saw me there,” Rafael frowned. “I made a scene Liv, I should have just walked away but instead Fin and Rollins needed to push me away. I didn’t mean to but… I don’t know what happened.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she comforted, “It’s a understandable reaction-“

“Don’t cop talk me,” he huffed.

“Okay,” she sighed.

He sat there staring at his drink, running his finger around the rim when he sighed, “I need you to promise me something.”

“Anything,” Olivia smiled kindly.

“Don’t mention me when you talk to her,” he mumbled into his drink. “If she hears my name I’m afraid she won’t talk to you. So don’t mention me or the fact we’re together not that it should come up.”

“Rafael, I don’t think-“

“Listen to me please, you’re the only one I trust with her so please make sure she talks to you,” he said as he took a sip of his drink.

“Okay, I promise,” she nodded.

“Oh and there’s one more thing,” he uttered.

“What’s that?”

“Don’t tell anyone she’s my daughter,” he sniffled, “I don’t want her bombarded with questions about me. I’m sure word has gotten around about the scene I created at Hudson so if anyone has questions send them my way and I’ll deal with it.”

“Rafael, you don’t have to deal with that,” Olivia sighed, “Let me help.”

“You are,” Rafael said turning his head to look at her. “If you do what I ask.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “I have to go to the hospital, do you want a lift somewhere?”

“The hospital,” Rafael answered.

“Is that a good idea?”

“’Liv, I don’t care if it’s a good idea,” he frowned, “She’s my daughter, if I can’t be by her side the least I can do is make sure I’m close enough to help.”

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off instead,” she suggested. “I’m sure Jack would understand-“

“I’m not telling Jack,” Rafael muttered as he finished off his drink.

“Rafael,” Olivia frowned.

Rafael rummaged through his pockets for a moment before pulling out his wallet; “This is my case Liv, that’s not going to change,” he firmly said as he placed some money on the counter.

“Alright,” she sighed as she stood up, “Come on then.”

“You’re taking me?” he questioned.

“I can’t stop you from going so at least this way I can keep an eye on you,” she nodded.

“Thank you.”

 

When they arrived at the hospital they started for the elevator; while they waited Olivia hesitantly said, “Rafael.”

“Yeah?” he said staring at the lowering number above the door.

“Why don’t you get a cup of coffee?” she suggested.

Rafael lowered his gaze to Olivia, “Coffee?” he sighed; raising an eyebrow.

“I just think it would be a good idea considering you’ve had a few drinks,” she mumbled.

“Do you want me to sober up or are you trying to keep me away from her room?”

“I’m not- That’s not what I’m doing,” she sighed. “Look, come up when you want to, I just thought… I don’t know. Forget it.”

As the elevator doors open Rafael stood there watching Olivia as she entered, “A cup of coffee wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

“Rafi you know I didn’t mean anything by it,” she mumbled.

“I’ll meet you up there,” he shrugged.

“Rafi,” Olivia sighed as she watched him walk away through the closing doors.

 

Ten minutes later Rafael was walking up the hallway, coffee in hand, towards Sofia’s hospital room when someone tapped him on the shoulder; as he turned around he rolled his eyes, “What do you want?”

Elliot sighed, “I heard about what happened at Hudson-“

“It was nothing, mistaken identity,” Rafael mumbled as he began to walk away.

“Wait a minute,” Elliot said as he made a few quick strides; putting himself in front of Rafael. “Why are you here?”

“It’s a case,” Rafael frowned, “Get out of my way.”

“I’m not moving,” Elliot said smugly. “We don’t have anything for you yet, she’s not talking to anyone.”

“She’ll talk to Liv,” Rafael sighed.

“Yeah, she was always good at that,” Elliot smiled a little. After a few moments he asked, “Why are you really here? What does this girl mean to you?”

“Nothing,” he frowned. “I thought I could help Olivia but I guess not.”

“Well if that’s really what it is then I don’t see you should stay,” Elliot muttered.

“Look,” Rafael huffed, “The room is right there down the hall, I just want to observe.”

“Go home,” Elliot sighed, “We’ll fill you in later, it’s not like you can do anything now.”

“I know,” he muttered.

“Besides,” Elliot shrugged, “Not many people allowed access to her, it’s kinda family only at the moment with the exception Olivia.”

“ _Family only,”_ Rafael mocked. “Fine, in that case I’ll wait for Olivia here.” He turned on his heels and took a few strides towards a few uncomfortable looking chairs that were leaning against the wall.

 

“Hi, Sofia is it?” Olivia asked the young girl sitting in the hospital bed. She waited for her to nod before continuing, “I’m Lieutenant Olivia Benson, is it okay if I come in?”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Sofia replied.

Olivia noticed the way Sofia was watching her walk closer; her green eyes not leaving her own. She couldn’t help but think of Rafael when she saw them. Pushing all thoughts of Rafael aside, Olivia asked, “Do you mind if we talk?”

“I,” she sighed, “I told the other cops I didn’t want to talk. I just… I want to forget this happened.”

“I know,” Olivia comforted, “But I’m going to be here every step of the way. You are not alone.”

“Okay,” Sofia nodded.

Olivia pulled a chair closer to Sofia as she asked, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“I don’t remember a whole lot,” Sofia sighed, “Can we talk about you for awhile instead?”

“I would recommend that we talk about what happened while it’s fresh,” Olivia replied, sitting down.

“I know but-“ she paused, “Everyone keeps asking questions non stop and I would just like a normal conversation for a little while… It wasn’t even my choice to call the cops.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “I can understand that so how about we make a trade.”

“A trade?” Sofia frowned; confused.

“You get to ask me a few questions; whatever you want and in return I’ll ask some and we can go from there. How does that sound?” Olivia suggested.

“Okay,” Sofia agreed.

“You can go first,” Olivia encouraged.

She thought for a moment before asking, “Do you have any kids?”

Olivia smiled, “I do, a little boy. His name’s Noah.”

“Cute,” Sofia smiled a little, “What’s he like?”

“Noah?” Olivia questioned. “He’s a great kid. He love’s playing, he’s got a vivid imagination, but sometimes he’s got so much energy I can barely keep up,” she laughed.

“Adorable,” she said. Shortly after she asked, “Are you married?”

“No,” Olivia said fiddling with her ring, “But I’m engaged.”

“Is it Noah’s father?”

Olivia hesitated for a moment, “Not biological but he’s Noah’s father.”

“Oh,” Sofia nodded, “I understand that.”

“Okay, so my turn,” Olivia said leaning forward, “Was there any family you wanted me to call? Parents perhaps?”

Sofia sighed, “No, my mother died last year and my father… I’d rather forget him.”

“I’m sure he’d want to be here for you,” Olivia gently said, “To know you’re okay.”

“He doesn’t care,” Sofia mumbled, “He’d only be here to get rid of his guilt.”

“Guilt?”

“He left my mother with bruises and I guess when he was bored he abandoned us,” Sofia frowned, “My turn.”

 _That doesn’t sound like the Rafael I know,_ Olivia frowned, “Alright.”

“What’s the fiancé like?”

“He’s a great man… He’s caring, loving and passionate about his job,” Olivia replied, “But surely you don’t want to hear about that.”

“Come on,” Sofia smiled, “I’m curious.”

Olivia laughed, “Alright.”

Sofia hesitated, “What’s his name?”

“I think it’s my turn,” Olivia deflected.

“You said I could ask anything,” Sofia sighed.

Olivia smiled, “You’re right, I did say that. But his name isn’t important… I’ll answer anything but that one.”

“Why are you deflecting?” Sofia asked, “It’s not like I’ll know him… Is it the detective outside?”

Olivia looked over to the window and saw Elliot standing outside; “Stabler? No,” she shook her head.

“Sucks for him then,” Sofia remarked.

Olivia chuckled; looking back at her, “Why’s that?”

“He clearly likes you, I can hear it in his voice,” she answered.

“His voice?” she questioned.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “Whenever he mentioned you his voice changed.”

“What exactly do you study?” Olivia said impressed.

“Psychology,” Sofia smiled, “Top of my class.”

“Impressive,” Olivia smiled; _Rafael would be proud,_ she thought. “What are you going to do with it?”

“You’re changing the topic again,” Sofia said.

“Maybe.”

“Why?” Sofia frowned.

“I answered that,” Olivia replied, “It’s not important who he is.”

Sofia looked at Olivia suspiciously, “Have I met him?

Olivia laughed, “I think it’s my turn again-“

“So I have,” Sofia grinned.

“I think we talk about what happened now,” Olivia sighed. “Are you okay with that?”

Sofia took a deep shuddering breath, “Guess I have to rip the band-aid off sometime.”

“We can stop anytime you want to,” Olivia comforted; Sofia nodded. “Can you tell me what you remember?”

“I was walking home after spending the night at the library; I always end up spending the night studying at the library before an exam. I should have stayed home,” she paused. Olivia sighed but before she could say anything Sofia continued, “It was early when I was walking back to my dorm, I remember looking at my watch… It must have been around 7 I think but the courtyard was empty. As I walking through it someone came up behind me and-“ she stopped as she looked down at the floor.

Olivia moved closer; placing a hand on her knee, “It’s okay, take your time.”

“I heard a man say something as he grabbed me but I never saw his face; he was careful,” Sofia sniffled; her eyes beginning to water. “He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream for help as he pulled me into the passageway and he… he… he…”

“He raped you?” Olivia asked gently.

Sofia closed her eyes as she clenched her jaw; tears began to run down her flushed cheeks as she nodded, “While he was… um… he removed his hand from my mouth and pulled out a knife. He made sure I saw it. I-I was scared and I just froze but that didn’t stop him from hitting me. Maybe if I had screamed or fought back-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Olivia interrupted. “I want you to understand that this was in no way your fault, you’re a survivor,” she reassured. “Do you remember anything about him? His voice, eye colour, even the way he smelt? Maybe you saw something that you don’t think is important or didn’t realise you saw.”

Sofia shook her head as fresh tears rolled down, “I-I don’t remember. I-I’m so-sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Olivia comforted, “Sometimes details come back later.”

“But what if I don’t want to remember?” she sniffled; looking at Olivia with puffy red eyes.

Olivia took a deep breath, “I know some people who can help you cope with it all.”

Sofia nodded as she quickly wiped her cheeks, “What happens now?” she asked; looking back at Olivia.

“Now,” Olivia sighed, “Now we go through all the evidence in hope that he left something behind.”

“And if there’s nothing?”

“We’ll cross that if we get to it,” Olivia said, “I’m sure you’re tired now-“

“Are you leaving?” Sofia sighed.

Olivia nodded, “There’s a few things I need to do.”

“Will you come back?” Sofia asked, “I don’t want to talk to anyone else.”

“I know,” she replied. “I’ll be back, I’ve just to talk to your doctors and my team. You’re not alone in this.”

“Okay,” Sofia nodded. She watched as Olivia stood up and started for the door, “Lieutenant?”

“Please, call me Olivia,” she said turning around.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Sofia said sheepishly.

“You can say anything,” Olivia comforted.

“I… I’m pregnant.”

Olivia stood there shocked; eyes wide and mouth ajar, “Pregnant?” When Sofia nodded Olivia asked “Is the father still around?”

“He didn’t do this,” Sofia said defensively.

“Are you sure?”

“He doesn’t even know,” Sofia sighed.

“Okay,” Olivia said running her hand through her hair, “Well, thank you for telling me, it might help us.”

“I hope it doesn’t complicate things but can I ask you not to tell everyone,” Sofia requested, “If its not important to the case. I just… I don’t want it to get out and ruin anything at Hudson.”

“I should tell my team,” Olivia hesitated, “And our ADA.”

“Please don’t,” Sofia begged, “I only told you because I trust you.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she contemplated what was being asked of her; _Rafael’s going to hate me,_ she sighed, “Alright, but I’m going to have to tell them soon.”

“Thank you,” Sofia said gratefully, “I just need some time sort out things with Hudson.”

“If you need any help with Hudson, let me know… Hudson and I have some history,” Olivia said.

“Alright,” Sofia nodded. “Thank you.”

Olivia smiled gently, “I’ll talk to you soon.” 

 

Rafael was sitting down the hallway with his head in his hands when he heard footsteps coming towards him; when he lifted his head he saw Olivia, “That was fast,” he commented as he jumped to his feet. “Are you done?”

“For now,” Olivia nodded as she walked closer.

“H-how is she?”

“She’s strong,” she comforted, “She’s a good kid.”

“What did she say?” he rushed, “Is there anything I can do for her now?” Rafael watched as Olivia stood there silently for a moment, “What?” he frowned. “Liv if you’ve got something to say, please just say it.”

“I need to ask you something,” she sighed. Taking a deep breath she added, “I can’t talk about the case until I do.”

“What?” he asked.

“It’s about your ex-wife,” she hesitated.

“Liv,” he sighed, “You’re beginning to worry me… Just come out and say it.”

“The reason why you left them, it wasn’t because you used to hit her?”

“What!” Rafael said shocked, “Is that what Sofia said?”

“Answer me please.”

“No, of course not,” Rafael frowned, “If this is what she’s saying then she doesn’t know what really happened.”

“Did you abandon them?” she sighed.

Rafael took a deep breath, “I can’t honestly answer that because I don’t know. It was never my intention to leave Sofia behind.”

Olivia paused for a moment; watching Rafael as he ran a hand through his hair, “It’s been months since you first told me you had a daughter and I’ve respected your decision not to tell me but for everyone’s sake I think it’s time you told me the whole story,” she muttered.

“You might be right,” Rafael nodded. “I really wish I didn’t have to; it always hurts when I think about it.”

“I know it’s hard but it’s time,” she said placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I just,” he mumbled as he slowly sat back in his chair, “I don’t know where to begin, I’ve not told this story to anyone before.”

Olivia sat down next to him; placing a hand on his thigh, “Just take your time.”

Rafael stared at the floor; “My ex-wife… Her name _was_ Gloria,” he sighed.

“Do you know she’s-“

“I know,” he nodded as he closed his eyes, “She died almost a year ago.” After a few moments of silence he continued, “I wanted to attend her funeral but no one would tell me where it was.”

“I’m so sorry,” Olivia sighed, “That’s not fair.”

Opening his eyes he looked at Olivia; “It’s fine Liv,” he muttered. He forced a smile as he continued, “I suppose I should get started on the rest of it, huh.”

“It’s okay, I’m here for you,” she reassured.

“The day I found out Gloria was pregnant with Sofia I was ecstatic; it was honestly one of the best days of my life,” he smiled. “We got married before she was born and everything was great. My career was on track, I had a family, I was in love and I had this beautiful little girl that always seemed to look up to me. That’s when I was blindsided,” he paused; turning his gaze back to the floor. “I still don’t know how Gloria got hooked on drugs but she did. In hindsight I think it was one of her many Johns but I can’t say for sure. Anyway, I did what I could for her; I supported her, took her to rehab more than a dozen times but it never stuck. Nevertheless I was madly in love with her so I didn’t give up. I didn’t know about her affairs for years… at least that’s what I tell myself. Once I accepted that she was sleeping around I couldn’t stay; I was divorcing her.”

“Oh Raf,” Olivia sighed, “I had no idea-“

“Please,” he said fidgeting with his thumbs. “Let me finish, I know if I don’t say it now… I never will.”

“Okay,” she nodded.

Rafael took a deep breath before continuing, “As I was saying; that’s why I came home early that day, I was going to tell Sofia but as you know… That’s not what happened. I clearly did a poor job at finding all of Gloria’s stashes, which unfortunately meant that Sofia found one and being 6, she thought it was candy. Having her die in my arms nearly killed me; I probably wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t managed to save her but one good thing came out of it. I was forced to open my eyes to Gloria and what a danger she was for Sofia so I decided I was done with her. I moved out and filed for custody,” he paused for a moment. Closing his eyes he ran a hand through his hair, “This… it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

Olivia took hold of his hand with both of hers, “Look at me,” she whispered. Rafael opened his eyes as he turned to her; tears in his eyes, “I know this is tough but you’re not alone anymore, let me take some of this weight.”

Rafael placed his other hand on top of hers, “I love you so much,” he shuddered. Fighting against the tears he continued, “We both lost custody not long after I left Gloria and Sofia went to live with Gloria’s parents. I tried to visit every spare second I had but Gloria’s parent’s hated me from the moment she got pregnant, so it got hard. As time went on they thought it was best if I didn’t come around anymore and I tried to fight it ‘Liv, but there was nothing I could do then. Not with what Gloria was saying…” he trailed off.

“Why did you lose custody?” Olivia asked, “What happened?”

“My intention was never to leave Sofia behind but unfortunately Gloria had other ideas. You see, at the time she was dating this abusive dealer and I knew about it, I mean how could I not. The bruises were obvious but she didn’t want my help. Instead…” he faltered as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“It’s okay,” Olivia comforted.

“I’m fine,” he said quickly wiping the tear away. “Instead Gloria told anyone who would listen I beat her. I know why she did what she did; she not only wanted to get me away from Sofia because that’s what I did to her but she was trying to take everything from me. I worked way to hard for my career Liv… I wasn’t going to let her take it from me.”

“Raf,” she sighed.

“I was only a few years into being a prosecutor and I couldn’t afford to have a custody battle while dealing with the pressures of this job. Perception is everything and with Gloria’s addiction and the things she was saying I did,” Rafael paused; clenching his jaw as fresh tears rolled down his face, “I just… I couldn’t let her destroy my career before it began but I wanted to fight for Sofia. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t have the money to do it, then when I did I was told that it was probably better for Sofia if I just left it alone. If I just disappeared from her life… So I did. I had no hope, no money and my only daughter was gone so I buried myself in my work. Built the career I have now to prove to myself that it wasn’t for nothing,” his voice trembled. “I made the wrong choice when I walked away and I have lived with it every day since.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said wrapping her arms around him; pulling him towards her, “I know this is difficult.”

As he leaned into Olivia’s arms, “I guess in a way I abandoned my family and Sofia paid the price but I never laid an unkind hand on Gloria…” he trailed off.

Olivia felt his hesitation, “What is it?” she asked.

“I know what it’s like to grow up with an abusive parent,” he sighed, “I promise you, I never laid a hand on Gloria but I came close one afternoon… That’s when I knew I had to leave her.”

“Rafael,” she frowned.

“No,” he frowned, pulling out of her embrace. “Don’t judge me. I was pushed to my fucking limits… I’ll never forget what she said to me.”

“Then tell me,” she replied.

“You want to know what she said?” he huffed, standing up, “After I tracked her down and told her that Sofia nearly died… She was off her face on whatever drug took her fancy that day and turned to me. Looked me dead in the eye and said, _‘What would it matter if she did, would have made our lives easier_.’ I knew it was the drugs talking but I didn’t care, I fucking lost it. I just went off at her; even now I still remember the fear in her eyes,” he shuddered, “I knew I had to walk away from her or I would have done something I would have regretted.”

“Oh Rafi,” she sighed.

“I don’t like that side of me Liv,” he mumbled. “I never let it see the light of day but… I fear that one day I won’t be able to control it.”

“You’re a good man,” Olivia reassured, “You knew when to walk away.”

Rafael stood there staring down the hallway when Olivia stood up and cautiously wrapped her arms around his midsection. Rafael took a shuddering breath as he pulled her close to him; nuzzling his head into her neck he mumbled, “Do you think less of me now?”

Olivia tilted her head; giving him a tender kiss on the cheek, “Of course not,” Olivia comforted.

“I know it’s a lot,” he sighed, “And I’d understand if you’d-“

“Stop,” she interrupted, “This doesn’t change anything for us. I don’t love you any less because of what happened years ago; we’ve all been through something that’s why we do what we do.”

“She left me a broken man,” he muttered. “I thought I was finally done with her-“

“I wouldn’t have pushed for you to tell me if it wasn’t important for her case,” Olivia sighed. “But I want you to know and understand I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to deal with all this alone this time.”

Rafael nodded as he lifted his head, “I appreciate that.” After taking a few deep breaths; he left her embrace and asked, “How’d you get her talking anyway? Elliot said she wasn’t talking to anyone.”

“I’m good at what I do,” she smiled.

“I never doubted that,” he smirked, “But seriously how’d you do it?”

“I allowed her to ask me anything she wanted in exchange for my questions,” Olivia answered.

“What did she ask you?”

Olivia smiled a little, “She asked about Noah and my fiancé-“

“You didn’t tell her, right?” Rafael frowned.

“No, you asked me not to so I didn’t,” she sighed.

“What else did you talk about?” he asked.

“Other than that, we spoke about her studies and the case.”

“What’s she studying?” he asked curiously.

Olivia smiled, “Psychology, she’s pretty good at it too.”

Rafael smiled a little; it was bitter sweet, “I always knew she was smart.” As Olivia placed a hand on his shoulder he sighed, “What happened to her?”

“Let’s not talk about that right now,” she answered.

“I’m going to need to know Liv,” he sighed.

“Tomorrow,” she mumbled.

“Liv,” he muttered.

“Rafi,” she sighed, “I’ll give you everything I have on this tomorrow. You don’t need that hanging over your head right now.”

“It’s not going to make a difference whether it’s today, tomorrow or three weeks from now,” he frowned.

“Just give yourself time to prepare,” Olivia muttered, “Please, do it for me.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “Just bring me the file tonight please.”

Taking a deep breath she reluctantly said, “Alright.”

As they stood there silently for a moment Rafael couldn’t help himself thinking about everything he’s missed throughout Sofia’s life. Before long he found himself asking, “Was there anything else I should know about her?”

“Um,” she hesitated, “No, that was it.”

“’Liv,” he paused, “Don’t lie to me please, I can take it.”

She pulled him back into a hug, “There’s nothing else.”

“Okay,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “I’m sorry for doubting you. I know you wouldn’t hide anything from me but it’s just hard... I never thought I would see her again.”

She glided her hand up from his shoulder and along the back of his neck until her fingers were tangled in his hair; she hated herself for lying to him, “It’s okay Rafael,” she comforted. “She trusts me and I intend on keeping it that way.”

He lifted his head so he could see Olivia’s face, “I’m glad she has you,” he tenderly smiled. “I’m so grateful for everything you’re doing for her… and me. I don’t think I would be able to cope without you.”

“I’m always going to be here for you,” Olivia replied.

He leaned in and kissed her softly against her lips; “I love you.”

When the kiss ended Olivia sighed, “I, um.”

“What?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” she mumbled; breaking the hug, “But I think you should go home.”

“Oh,” he sighed.

“It’s been a hard day for you and I can’t leave for a while. I’ve still got to talk to her doctors, my squad and fill out paperwork-“

“It’s fine,” he interrupted. “I get it, I’ll go home. There’s not much I can do now anyway.”

“Do you need a ride?” she asked.

“I’ll get a cab,” he shrugged. “I’ll see you at home?”

“As soon as I can leave I will,” she smiled.

“Just,” Rafael hesitated, “Just bring the file home with you please.”

“Rafi-“

“You said you would,” he reminded her.

Olivia nodded, “I know and I will,” she sighed.

“Bye Liv,” he muttered as he turned on his heels and started down the hallway.

 

Late that afternoon Olivia walked into their home, file in one hand and handbag in the other, to find Rafael lying on the lounge. As she took a few steps into the room she saw that his eyes were closed; she smiled a little as she observed him. His hair had fallen lazily over his forehead, one arm thrown above his head and his chest rhythmically moved with every breath; he looked peaceful. _After a day like today, I’m glad he’s getting some rest,_ she thought as she walked over to him, putting the file under her arm. She gently brushed his hair out of his face as she leaned down and kissed him tenderly on his forehead. As she slowly stood up he took a quick and shuddering breath; she stood still for a moment, waiting for his eyes to open. When they didn’t she sighed a breath of relief and started towards the door but Rafael grabbed her hand, stopping her from going any further. She turned to face him and found that he was already staring back at her. He gently pulled on her arm; gesturing her to come closer, they both remained silent as she gave him a sweet smile and knelt down on the floor next to him. He twisted his body as he leaned forward and gave her a passionate kiss; his hand now tenderly embracing the side of her face as they kissed. He tasted of a subtle blend of coffee and bourbon against her soft lips. When the kiss broke Olivia whispered against his lips, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Resting his forehead on hers, he smiled, “I’m just happy you’re home. Come lie with me?”

“I’d love to,” she smiled as she leaned back.

Rafael watched her lovingly as she turned slightly; putting her things on the coffee table, but his attention was drawn to a manila folder. “Is…” he mumbled as he slowly sat up, “Is that Sofia’s?”

Olivia turned her head towards Rafael to find him staring at the folder on the table, taking a deep breath she answered, “Yes, I told you I would bring it and I did.”

“Can,” he paused, “Can I read it?”

“Are you sure you want to?” she asked, “You could read it tomorrow.”

“I need to read it,” he sighed. “You would have told any ADA what happened hours ago, it’s time I know.”

“You’re not just an ADA on this one,” she reminded him.

Closing his eyes as he stuttered, “I k-know, just hand me the file.” When he opened his eyes again he was surprised to see Olivia holding the file; as he took it slowly from her he forced a smile, “Thank you.”

Olivia watched him closely as he quickly skimmed through the file in search for the doctors’ report; when she saw him frown she sighed, “I said I would bring home the file-“

“Where’s the report?” he asked confused, “I know you Liv, there’s no way you would have left without it.”

“I didn’t,” she acknowledged.

Looking up from the file he grumbled, “Then where is it?”

“I said I would bring home the file,” she repeated, “I didn’t say it would include everything.”

“Olivia,” he huffed, “I need that report.”

“And you will get it,” she sighed, “But not today… You don’t need that image in your head right now.”

Rafael shook his head as he leaned back into the lounge, “I guess this will have to do.”

As he started to read the file Olivia moved from the floor and sat next to him, “I know right now you think I did the wrong thing but I don’t want to see you tearing yourself apart. I love you too much to let that happen.”

Sighing, he mumbled, “It’s not going to change anything.” He paused as he moved his gaze to her, “You should have just given it to me.”

“We’ll do this together,” she said placing a hand on his thigh. “Like we always do. I just think it’s best if we took small steps to get there.”

“I guess,” he muttered; looking back at the file. “I should finish reading this before Noah gets home, I don’t want him stumbling across it.”

“Okay,” she nodded.

“I’d read it faster if I was alone.”

“Rafi,” Olivia sighed.

Shaking his head, Rafael shrugged, “It’s just a file… an incomplete file… but baby steps, right?” As he continued to stare at the file in his hand, he fought against the tears forming in his eyes, “This doesn’t mean we’re not in this together but I’m asking you to leave me alone… At least while I read this… I-I don’t want you to see-” he shuddered; turning his head away from Olivia, trying to hide a lone tear that escaped.

“Okay,” she nodded as she slowly stood up. “In that case, I’ll leave you to it but if you need anything, don’t hesitate.”

“I won’t,” he sniffled.

Olivia watched Rafael for a moment before turning to the door; “I’m going to have a shower then start to organise dinner,” she sighed.

Rafael nodded, “I’ll be done soon, after than I’m yours for the night. We can watch that old romantic movie you like while we cuddle on the lounge.”

Olivia looked over her shoulder and smiled, “That sounds nice.”

 

A few days later Rafael was waiting in Olivia’s office when he spotted Sofia’s file sitting on her desk. He quickly looked out of the office door but he couldn’t see Olivia; _A quick look can’t hurt_ , he thought. He held his breath as he walked around her desk, opened the file and began to read; he skimmed over the stuff he knew until he reached the doctors report. His face went pale as he read it, “What are you doing?” Olivia frowned as she entered the room.

“The file you gave me was missing the doctors report, remember?” he mumbled as he continued reading. His stomach twisted as he read the list of injuries; cuts, external bruising, internal bruising… the list just went on.

“Don’t do this,” she pleaded; but it was too late.

Rafael slowly looked up from the file; he was in complete shock, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She asked me not to,” Olivia sighed.

“I deserved to know!” Rafael huffed, “She’s pregnant?!”

“I know this is a lot to process-“

Rafael’s mind was spinning, “I’ve got to go see her… I have to… I… She’s all alone.”

“You can’t,” Olivia whispered.

“I don’t care,” he frowned, “I’ve stayed away long enough!”

“Rafael listen to me, you can’t go-“ Olivia began.

“Screw you,” he snarled. “You hid this from me! It wasn’t your decision to make.”

She sighed, “You’re right, it wasn’t my decision. It was Sofia’s and I’m sorry but lets face the facts Rafael… You’re probably the last person she wants to tell.”

Rafael stood there stunned and hurt; it took him a few moments to gather his thoughts, “I know,” he whispered.

Olivia hesitated, “I’m sorry to do this but did you finish reading it?”

“No,” Rafael replied. “I don’t need to read anymore… I’m going to be grandfather,” he couldn’t help but smiled a little, “I don’t need to know anything else.”

“Just… Keep reading,” she sighed.

Rafael looked at her confused; he saw pain hidden in her eyes, “What’s this about?” he asked. Olivia took a deep breath and just shook her head; realising Olivia wasn’t going to answer him he turned his gaze down to the file. As he read the file he started to feel sick to his stomach, “Th-The baby m-might not survive?” he mumbled; barely audible.

“Sofia doesn’t know,” Olivia sighed. “The doctors want to be sure before they say anything.”

He slowly looked up from the file, “I… How long… I’ve got to go,” he stammered as he started for the door.

“Where are you going Rafael?” Olivia asked; stepping between him and the door. “You know she doesn’t want to see you.”

“She’s gonna have to face me eventually,” he huffed; brushing past her. “After all, it’s my case.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Olivia said under her breath but Rafael heard it.

Turning to back to face her Rafael whispered back, “Well, that’s our little secret, isn’t it? And _lets face the facts_ , you’re pretty good at keeping them.”

“That’s not fair,” Olivia retorted.

“I don’t care,” Rafael remarked.

“You can’t be mad at me for doing exactly what you wanted,” Olivia sighed.

“We can talk about what this means for us later,” Rafael huffed, “I have more important things to do right now.”

“Please Rafael,” she pleaded, “Don’t leave.” He rolled his eyes as he turned on his heels and walked away. Olivia followed him through the squad room; “Stop, please,” she begged, “You need to leave her alone.”

“You can’t stop me,” he huffed as he got on the elevator.

Olivia stopped outside the elevator, “If I can’t stop you then just take a moment to think about what you’re about to do to her,” she sighed. “Don’t make a mistake by forgetting about her.”

“I never forgot her-“

“It’s not about you,” she continued, “This situation is hard enough for her without having to face you-“ the doors closing interrupted Olivia.

Rafael sighed, he knew she was right but he didn’t care. _I can’t let her face this alone, she needs me and I need her-_ his thoughts were cut off by the ding of the elevator. He did his best to push Olivia’s words out of his mind; as he left the precinct and started to make his way towards the hospital; _to his daughter._

 

As Olivia turned away from the elevator she was surprised to find Carisi standing in the hallway, “Is he okay?”

She sighed, “He will be.”

“Is there anything I can do for him?” Carisi asked. “I want to help.”

“Maybe talking to him again would be a nice start,” Olivia mumbled as she walked towards him.

“What?” Carisi frowned, “It’s a bit more complicated than that Olivia.”

Olivia shook her head, “I don’t know what’s happened, he won’t tell me but it’s eating him up inside and right now… He doesn’t need that.”

“I know,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia muttered, “That was out of line.”

“It’s okay,” Carisi smiled, “I just want to help him.”

“I know you do,” she smiled back, “This case is just getting to him.”

Carisi nodded, “I get that. Do we know why he’s so interested in Miss Mandoza yet?”

Olivia took a deep breath, “Not yet. Maybe she just reminds him of someone he once knew.”

“Whatever it is, he’s going to fight like hell for her,” Carisi remarked.

“You have a lot of faith in him,” she commented; starting towards her office, “I’m glad I’m not the only one. He could use a friend or two.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Carisi smiled, following her. “He can always count on me.”

“I really hope he can,” Olivia nodded. “He won’t admit it but I know he misses you.”

“I know it’s been pretty rough between Barba and I lately but believe me, if he needs me I’ll always be there for him,” Carisi said. “He means a lot to me so is there something I can do for him now?”

“Right now?” Olivia sighed, “No… but maybe later after he’s calm down a bit, go talk to him.”

“I will,” Carisi smiled.

“Now, have you seen Rollins?”

“No,” Carisi shrugged, “I think she and Fin went out for lunch. Was there something you needed?”

“No, its okay,” Olivia sighed, “I’ll be in my office if you need something.”

“Okay,” he replied; stopping at his desk.

Shortly after Olivia entered her office there was a knock on the door, “Yes?” she sighed as she sat behind her desk.

“It’s me,” Elliot said, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” she nodded; she lifted her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose.

As Elliot entered he gently closed the door behind himself, “What was that about?” he asked cautiously approaching her desk.

“With Barba?” Olivia asked; watching Elliot.

“Yeah,” he sighed, “Where’s he going?”

“To Sofia.”

Elliot took a deep breath as he sat down, “Interesting.”

“What?” Olivia questioned.

“Nothing,” he shrugged.

“Tell me,” she scowled.

“How well do you know this Barba guy?” Elliot asked.

Leaning forward on her desk she asked, “What are you getting at?”

He shrugged, “I’m asking if he really is the guy he says he is… He’s hiding something, I just don’t know what it is-”

“He doesn’t hide anything from me,” she frowned.

“He says he doesn’t but how many times has he told you something after you caught him out on it?”

“He’s nev…” she trailed off. Olivia’s mind jumped straight to the secret bank account then to Sofia.

“That’s what I thought,” Elliot said. “Look, I’m just saying that he’s been very involved with this girl since we found her and from what I heard she freaked out when she saw him. Don’t be blinded by his charm… He could have done this.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she huffed. “I know him better than anyone.”

“Then you can easily disprove my suspicion by telling me where he was,” Elliot shrugged.

“He..” Olivia hesitated, “He was working late and didn’t come home.”

“So it’s possible,” Elliot replied.

“No,” she frowned. “That’s not who he is.”

“How many times have we heard that before?” Elliot commented. “Do we really know the people closest to us?”

“I… I know it wasn’t him,” Olivia sighed, “Trust me on this.”

“I can’t,” Elliot shrugged. “Right now, the evidence points to him.”

Olivia shook her head, “No it doesn’t.”

“Look at the facts,” he paused, “Just don’t marry your father.”

“How dare you!” Olivia yelled as she stood up.

“Are you sure you want to marry him?”

“Elliot,” Olivia frowned; “Of course I do and you need to accept that.”

Elliot sighed, “I just don’t want to see you make a mistake I know you’re going to regret.”

She walked over to the interrogation window and stood there for a moment looking into the empty room; “My only mistake was kissing you,” she huffed.

“If it was a mistake you wouldn’t have kissed me back,” he said.

Olivia rolled her eyes, “It’s caused nothing but pain ever since.”

“Then why’d you hire me?” Elliot asked, “I mean, if you regret it so much then why have me around?”

She sighed, “I… I don’t know.”

“Is it because you secretly want it to happen again?” he paused, “Or because you wanted to see what his reaction would be?”

“Neither,” she frowned as she turned to face him, “I’d never do that to him.”

“You haven’t changed as much as you think Olivia,” he smiled.

“What’s that supposed to mean!” she huffed.

“Come on,” he shrugged, “I know you better than anyone else here. Think about our history together and tell me I’m wrong.”

“I…” she hesitated.

“There was something then and there is now,” Elliot paused as he slowly got up. He cautiously approached Olivia as he continued, “I know you don’t want to admit it but you know it’s true.”

“Elliot,” she sighed.

He stopped inches in front of her; “This is meant to happen,” he whispered as he leaned in and kissed her.

Olivia’s stomach dropped as quickly pushed him away; “What the hell are you doing!?” she frowned.

“You know its meant-“

“Shut up,” she huffed. “No, I don’t want this. I love Rafael; now get out of my office... I can’t believe you’ve done this to me again!”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t know what was going on,” Elliot frowned.

“I should have listened to Rafael,” she muttered, “All you’re doing is creating trouble for me… Get it through you thick skull, I’m engaged… better yet, I’m in love. I have a family and I’m not going to let you tear it apart.”

“Okay,” he shrugged, “If that’s what you really want but just… Think about who you’re marrying, he’s hiding something.”

“Not from me,” Olivia huffed. “Now, don’t you have work to do?”

Elliot nodded as he started for the door, “I get the hint.”

“And Elliot,” Olivia sighed, “Don’t try that again or I will fire you.”

 

When Sofia woke up she slowly opened her eyes; she looked around the dull hospital room until she noticed a blurry figure sitting in a chair near her bed. As her vision cleared up she saw it was Rafael, “What are you doing here?” Sofia mumbled still half asleep.

“I’m here for you,” Rafael said leaning forward in his chair, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Well, as you can see I’m fine,” she huffed. “Now can you-“

“Please Sofia, don’t make leave,” Rafael pleaded. “Let me explain myself… Give me five minutes, if you still want me to leave after that I will.”

“Five minutes,” she agreed.

“Thank you,” he sighed; relieved. “I know I haven’t been the best father-“

“You have to be there to be a father,” Sofia scoffed.

“Okay,” Rafael nodded, “I deserve that but you have to understand I never meant to leave you.”

“So what?” she shrugged. “Abandoning me was an accident?” Sofia frowned, “You could have called, wrote a letter… done something, anything but instead you send me guilt money.”

“But I did,” he replied. “I did all those things and more… Wait, you didn’t get anything from me?”

“Don’t pretend like you care,” Sofia sighed, “I haven’t crossed your mind since the moment you left.”

“Who told you that?” he frowned.

“Everyone who bothered to stick around,” she huffed. “I lost both my parents in an afternoon and was told I was living with my grandparents… Do you know how scared and confused I was?” she paused to look him in the eyes. “I WAS 6! At least Mom had the guts to stick around for me… even after what you did to her.”

“You must have been terrified, I know I was. You were the last person I ever wanted to hurt,” he hesitated, “But I need you to know and understand that I never laid a hand on Gloria, those bruises weren’t from me. I’m not that type of man.”

“So Mom lied?” Sofia said sceptically, “Why would she lie for all those years?”

“It’s a long story,” Rafael answered. “But for now all you need to know is; what your mother did, she did because she loved you and thought it was the right thing. I don’t agree with her methods but I understand them.”

“Why would she lie about that if she didn’t have a good reason to?” Sofia frowned. “Clearly she saw something in you-“

“No,” Rafael sighed, “She saw me on the worst day of my life and thought… Look, it doesn’t matter, I can explain all this later if you really want to know.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “Then what do you want from me?”

“I want you to know that I always loved you and I had every intention to come back for you,” he replied.

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I was told you didn’t want me to,” he said bluntly. “I didn’t want you to be unhappy so if that meant that I couldn’t be a part of your life then… I was willing to do that.”

“For me or for you?”

“What?” Rafael questioned.

“You were willing to just disappear… did you really do it for me or for you?” Sofia mumbled.

Rafael hesitated, “I… Both I guess. I always told myself it was for your sake but I know I wouldn’t have been able deal with more heartbreak, I was barely holding it together as it was.”

“I think I’ve heard enough,” she sighed.

“Sofia, I just wanted the best for you-“

“Please stop,” she mumbled, “I gave you more time than I should have.”

“Okay but I just want you to know I’m here for you and the baby,” Rafael sighed, “You can call on me anytime-“

“Wait, how’d you know I was pregnant?” Sofia frowned.

“I, uh,” he stuttered, “I read your file… I’m the ADA working on your case.”

“Olivia didn’t say anything to you, did she?”

“No,” he said bitterly, “I wish she had.”

“I want you to leave,” Sofia mumbled. “Can you please just go away?”

“If that’s what you want,” he sighed. As Rafael slowly stood up from his chair a doctor walked in looking grim, “Is something wrong?” Rafael asked without thinking.

“I need to talk to Sofia,” he sighed, “It’s about the baby.”

“Is she okay?” Sofia worried, “Please just tell me.”

“I’m sorry,” the doctor uttered, “The extra tests we ran after the ultrasound came back and there’s nothing we can do to save the baby.”

Sofia felt as though her world was shattering; “So… I-I’m not having a b-baby?” she whispered, head spinning.

“I’m afraid not,” the doctor replied, “I know this is hard so I’ll give you some space.”

Rafael’s eyes were glued to Sofia while the doctor left the room; his heart was breaking for her. “I… I’m so sorry,” he faltered; fighting back tears of his own. “I’ll stay if you want me to,” he offered; Sofia just sat there in silence, eyes watering. Rafael could she was fighting against her tears; after a moment he nodded, “I’ll leave.”

As he reached the door he heard a soft whimpering voice; so quiet he barely heard it, “St-stay with me?” He turned around to find Sofia looking at him; tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, “D-Dad, I need you,” she sobbed. “P-please d-don’t leave me.”

Rafael quickly moved across the room and wrapped his arms around her; she began to cry against his chest. “I’m here,” he whispered into her hair.

 

Half an hour later Rafael was silently sitting in his chair next to Sofia’s bed watching her as she stared blankly at the wall. Her tears had stopped running down her flush face; instead they sat in her puffy red eyes. Her breathing was shallow as her lip trembled. Rafael wanted to say something… Anything. But he was utterly speechless.

Taking a shuddering breath she mumbled quietly, “Distract me.”

“What?” Rafael said, “I… I don’t know what to say.”

Slowly turning her head to him she faltered, “Anything.” She watched Rafael through blurred vision as he shifted in his seat; as she whipped away the tears in her eyes she sighed, “Mind if I just ask questions?”

“Sure,” Rafael nodded.

“How long have you known Olivia?” Sofia sniffled, “I get the impression she’s been doing this for awhile.”

“She has been and she’s great at it,” he nodded. “I’ve known her for… I don’t know, maybe six years now.”

“Oh,” she said surprised, “That’s a long time.”

“I suppose it is,” Rafael replied, “I never really thought about it.”

“Are you two friends or just colleagues?”

Rafael chuckled a little, “What’s with all the questions about her?”

“Just trying to get a sense of things,” Sofia shrugged. “I like to see how people talk about certain topics.”

“Guess that’s why you study psychology,” he retorted.

Sofia smiled, “It certainly comes in handy.”

“In that case,” Rafael nodded, “I’ll talk about anything you want to.”

“I want to talk about you and Olivia,” she said.

“Okay but can I ask why are you so interested in my relationship with Olivia?” he said curiously. “You’ve met other cops by now so… why her?”

“Because whenever I mention her name I see subtle hints of something come across your face but… I can’t tell if its joy or pain,” Sofia answered.

“You’re very observant,” Rafael noted.

“So, are you going to answer questions about her?” she asked cautiously.

“If she’s what you want to know about then of course,” he replied. “Olivia and I are close, much more than just colleagues.”

“How so?”

“Are you sure you want to know?” he sighed.

“I am,” Sofia nodded, “Have you two dated?”

Rafael hesitated, “Yes.”

Sofia watch Rafael carefully as she said, “You know someone else likes her.”

His lip curled, “I know.”

“What happened between you and Olivia?”

“Nothing,” Rafael answered.

“Something must have happened,” she retorted. “I can see it now, the pain you’re trying to hide.”

“She…” he paused, “It’s not pain exactly... It’s more like regret.”

“Oh,” she sighed, “Is it because she’s engaged?”

“No,” Rafael laughed a little.

“She wouldn’t tell me a name-”

“Because I asked to her not to,” he mumbled; shifting in his seat. Taking a deep breath he whispered, “She was only doing what she thought was right…”

“It’s you, isn’t it?”

Rafael closed his eyes for a moment before answering, “Yes, we’re engaged.”

“Oh,” Sofia said surprised. “Why’d you ask her not to say anything?”

“Because after our little encounter I thought you wouldn’t have spoken to her if you knew I was involved in anyway,” he sighed. “I wanted to make sure you had someone you could trust, someone who actually cares about what happens to you… She won’t let you just disappear into the system like others will.”

“You were probably right,” Sofia sighed. “I was- am still angry at you but I’m beginning to understand that it’s not what I thought it was.”

“I don’t expect you to just suddenly forgive me,“ he nodded.

Sofia hesitated, “If it’s alright with you, I don’t think I’m ready to call you Dad... It just slipped out earlier with the bad news.”

Rafael took a deep breath; his heart breaking a little, “I understand. You don’t have to call me anything like that if you don’t want to.”

“You know,” Sofia mumbled; her gaze turned to her hands as she played with the sheet. “I tracked you down years ago…”

“Oh?” Rafael said surprised.

Sofia nodded, “I saw your name in the headline of some newspaper. I was so angry with you I decided to track you down to make you remember who you left behind… But when I saw you I changed my mind.”

“Why?”

“I had my chance to confront you but I froze so I ended up just observing you for a while… You were outside the courthouse; alone,” she paused; moving her gaze to him. “I remember thinking something was wrong as I watched you throw your bag against the wall then as you leaned against it you brought a hand to your face. I’m almost sure you were crying and I didn’t know what to do so I ran… The next day I saw the papers and you had lost your case.”

“Some case’s hit harder than others,” Rafael sighed. “Did you ever try to make contact after that?”

“No,” she answered shaking her head. “Mom asked me not to do that again and I promised her that I wouldn’t.”

“Oh,” he mumbled.

“But I’ve always wanted to confront you and ask you why you left us,” she added. “I knew where you were I just never had the guts to go through with it… especially after Mom passed.”

“I heard about that,” he sighed, “I called but your grandfather answered-”

“I remember him yelling at someone on the phone,” Sofia remarked.

Rafael nodded, “Yeah that was probably me.”

Sofia smiled a little, “Anyway that’s enough about me for now, tell me about the little boy.”

“Who?”  
“The little boy Olivia has,” Sofia explained.

“Noah?” Rafael asked confused, “What about him?”

“He’s your son, isn’t he?” she asked.

“Yes, I’ve adopted him,” he answered.

“Oh,” Sofia mumbled, “Do you have any other children?”

Rafael shook his head, “No.”

“Why not?”

Taking a deep breath he said, “I didn’t want any more after I lost you… I barely survived that, so I decided not to get emotionally invested to anyone again. Well, that was until I met Olivia. She never gave up on me instead she broke her way through to my heart and here we are…”

“That’s sweet,” Sofia smiled. “I’m glad you have someone like her.”

“So am I,” Rafael smiled back, “I really do love her.”

“Like you loved Mom?”

Rafael felt winded; his mouth ajar and completely speechless, “I...” he managed.

“I’m sorry,” Sofia sighed, “I didn’t mean-“

Rafael shook his head; as he gathered himself he cleared his throat, “I loved your mother… I always will,” he paused as he took a deep breath. “But reality is we just weren’t meant for each other, sometimes love isn’t enough to get you through the days anymore and it left me shattered to have to move on but I’m glad I did because I got to meet Olivia.”

“I’m sorry I said anything,” Sofia mumbled.

“I said I would answer anything and I will,” Rafael reassured. “I just wasn’t expecting a question like that.”

“I think I’m going to stop now,” she muttered.

“You don’t need to,” he said.

“I’m kinda tired,” she yawned.

“Okay, I’ll leave so you can get some rest,” Rafael nodded. “Thank you for talking to me.”

“Don’t leave,” Sofia mumbled. “I’d like it if you stayed.”

Rafael took hold of Sofia’s hand, “If that’s what you want then I’ll be here.”

Sofia smiled, “Thank you. I just don’t want to be alone right now.”

Rafael softly ran his thumb over the back of her hand as he watched her close her eyes, “You won’t be alone,” he whispered.

 

As Olivia walked into the hospital room she saw Sofia asleep on the bed and in a chair next to her Rafael was sleeping with his head on the bed. Walking further into the room she noticed he was holding her hand. When she reached him she gently tapped him on the shoulder; startling him awake. After a few blinks Rafael looked over his shoulder and saw Olivia, “Not now,” he mumbled.

“We need to talk,” she sighed.

“I said not now.”

Olivia knelt down next to the chair and said, “We both know you weren’t planning on coming home tonight.”

“You’re right,” he whispered, “I wasn’t.”

“She’s asleep now,” Olivia said quietly, “Just leave her for-“

“I’m not leaving,” Rafael frowned, “She needs- No, she wants me here and I’m not about to walk away again.”

“I’m not asking you to walk away,” she said.

“Go talk to her,” Sofia mumbled; half asleep.

Rafael snapped his head around to Sofia, “I’m sorry we woke you.”

“This is your chance,” Sofia said, “Go talk to her, I’ll be fine.”

“My chance?” he questioned.

“To fix that pain your trying to hide,” Sofia whispered.

Rafael smirked, “You’re probably right but-”

“No,” she interrupted, “Don’t make the same mistakes.”

Rafael’s face went void of any expressions, “Sofia, it’s not the same.”

“Rafael, just go talk to her,” Sofia mumbled, “I’ll be here when you get back.”

Sighing; Rafael nodded, “Okay.” He slowly stood up from is chair and started for the door, “Coming ‘Liv?” he mumbled as he left.

“Yeah just one second,” she answered. Looking over to Sofia Olivia asked, “How are you feeling?”

Sofia smiled, “I’m fine, now go talk to him before he walks off.”

“He won’t,” she replied; _clearly their reunion hasn’t changed how she sees him_ , she thought. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m just tired and overwhelmed,” Sofia sighed, “But we can talk about this stuff later.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “I just have a few extra questions I need to ask you.”

“Yeah, I figured,” she shrugged.

“I’ll let you get some rest and I’ll come back soon,” Olivia said as she walked towards the door. She turned back to Sofia and added, “Call out if you need anything.” After Sofia nodded Olivia left the hospital room and found Rafael pacing up and down the hallway; fidgeting with his jacket, “Rafael?”

His head snapped around at the sound of his name, “Can we just hurry this up please,” he mumbled.

“How about we go for a walk?” she suggested.

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m staying here. Just tell me what you’re here to say and then…” he trailed off. “If you’re here to give me the ring back, just keep it.”

“No,” she frowned, “I wasn’t going to… Wait is that what you want?”

“Of course not,” he sighed. “If that’s not why you’re here then what do you want to talk about?”

“Raf,” she sighed, “I have to talk about what happened in my office.”

“Go ahead,” he replied.

“After you left Elliot came in-“

“Of course he did,” Rafael remarked rolling his eyes, “How long did you two make out for this time?”

Olivia frowned, “How long have you been waiting to use that one?” Rafael just stood silently as he glared at her; _I can’t tell him again,_ taking a deep breath she said, “We didn’t… It’s not like that-“

“Maybe not for you but I can guarantee it is for him,” he mumbled.

“I would never hurt you-“

“That’s the thing,” he sighed, “You have.”

Olivia stood there stunned; mouth ajar, “I-I’m sorr-“

“That ring,” he huffed pointing to her left hand, “It’s supposed to mean something.”

“It does-” Olivia reassured.

“Does it?” he growled; lip curled, “’Liv, I’ve been living my worst nightmare for years and with _this_ being the way I reunite with her… I’m barely holding it together. I get why you didn’t tell me and I’m glad she can count on you but ‘Liv, I need you too. If you could hide this from me then what else is there?”

“I only didn’t tell you because Sofia asked me not to,” she paused, “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I would do it again-”

“She lost the baby,” he said flatly.

“Oh-“

“I wouldn’t have been here for her if I didn’t read the file,” he interrupted. “How long were you going to keep this from me?”

“Until she was ready,” Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry to hear-“

“I’m sure you are,” he remarked.

“Stop!” she huffed, “Let me speak.”

Rafael took a deep breath as he stared at her, “Fine.”

“I’m not Gloria so stop assuming I’m going to have an affair,” she said bluntly. “I don’t know what makes you think I would throw away all of this for Elliot. You mean the world to me, you are my everything so please have enough respect for me to trust that I’ll do the right thing by the both of us.”

“I trust you,” he mumbled, “I just don’t trust him.”

“It was one time and he caught me off guard,” Olivia sighed.

“Okay,” Rafael nodded, “I believe you and I’m sorry for snapping earlier, I know you would have told me if you could have.”

Taking a deep breath she said, “It’s okay, I probably would have done the same.”

“I should really get back to her,” he sighed.

“I have a few questions I need to ask her so you might want to stay out-“

“No,” Rafael frowned, “I’ll be in the room with you unless she wants me out.”

“Okay,” she nodded turning back towards the hospital room. 

 

As Olivia entered the room, Rafael following closely behind, she saw Sofia watching them as they walked towards her, “Are you okay if I ask you some questions now?”

“Yeah,” Sofia nodded.

“Mind if I stay?” Rafael asked, “I’ll understand if you want me to wait outside.”

“It’s okay,” Sofia reassured.

Olivia moved a chair from the side of the room closer to Sofia’s bed; while Rafael sat back in his chair, “Okay, so I’ll tell you that we have DNA and we’ve tested it,” Olivia said.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Sofia asked.

“He’s not in the system,” she sighed. “We need as much as you can remember.”

“Oh,” she mumbled, “So it’s really up to me.”

“We’re here every step of the way,” Rafael comforted. “If you would like us to stop just tell us and we will.”

Sofia nodded, “Okay, what do you need from me?”

“Do you remember anything new?” Olivia asked.

“I think I remember his voice,” she trembled. “It was familiar. Deep. Not like a college boy but someone much older.”

Olivia watched Rafael; his fist tightened, jaw clenched and his eyes dropped to the floor, “An older man?” she proceeds with caution. “How old do you think he is?”

“I’d be guessing,” Sofia sighed.

“You’re a smart girl. I’ve seen the way you’ve been studying us since we met you so I’m sure your best guess won’t be far off,” Olivia reassured.

She nodded, “Okay, I’d say late 30’s to mid 40’s.”

Rafael’s head shot up, “So, my age?” he frowned; Sofia nodded.

“Do you remember what he said?” Olivia asked calmly.

Sofia sighed, “Do I really have to tell you?”

“I know it’s hard but it could help us find him,” Olivia replied.

Sofia sheepishly looked over to Rafael, “I would rather not…”

Rafael closed his eyes and mumbled, “It was a father comment, wasn’t it?”

Sofia hesitated, “Y-yes.”

He quickly jumped to his feet as he frowned; lip curled, “I’ll be back soon.” He stormed out of the room before anyone could stop him.

“He just needs some-“ Olivia was interrupted by a loud bang coming from down the hallway. She sighed as she slowly stood up, “I’m sorry, I have to go check that out.”

“We both know that was him,” Sofia mumbled. “Tell him that it’s okay if he goes home.”

“Sofia he’s going to need to hear this eventually.”

“I know,” Sofia paused, “But he doesn’t need to hear me say it. Not now…”

“Alright,” Olivia said as she slowly started for the door. 

 

Olivia calmly left the hospital room and looked down the hallway; Rafael was pacing in front of a vending machine, running his hands though his hair. Walking towards him slowly she noticed the dint in the machine, “Rafael?” she quietly asked.

Rafael turned to see Olivia approach him, “An _OLDER_ man?!” he growled.

“It looks like it,” she sighed.

“Someone my age did this to _my_ daughter… It was bad enough thinking it was some college kid,” he huffed.

Olivia hesitated before saying, “I think it’s time you told everyone she’s your daughter.”

“No,” he frowned, “Why the hell would I do that?”

“Elliot thinks you assaulted her and now that she’s saying it’s an older man, his suspicions are only going to worsen.”

“That fucker!” Rafael snarled. “I would never.”

“He doesn’t know you like I do,” she comforted. “But if I’m being honest… I’d probably think the same thing if I were anyone else.”

“Oh great,” he said rolling his eyes, “My fiancé think’s I could be capable of rape.”

“That’s not what I said,” Olivia sighed. “I just meant that you’ve been acting unusual lately and if I didn’t know about Sofia, I’d think you were hiding something... It’s time they know.”

“I said no,” he growled. “I will not have her be bombarded with questions about me.”

“Rafi-“

“NO,” he huffed, “That’s final. I’ll tell them when I have to but right now is not the time.”

“Okay,” Olivia sighed.

“I can’t believe Elliot thinks that,” Rafael frowned, “How long have you known this?”

“I only found out today,” she mumbled, “I wasn’t sure how to bring it up earlier.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Has he told anyone else?”

“I’m not sure,” Olivia shrugged.

“Okay,” he sighed; running his hand through his hair, “We should probably get back to it then.”

“It might be best if you leave,” Olivia said hesitantly.

“I’m not going anywhere, not unless Sofia wants me to,” he said firmly.

Olivia sighed, “She said it’s okay if you leave.”

Rafael clenched his teeth, “Does she want me to?”

“I think she would be more willing to open up about things if you weren’t there but I don’t think she’ll come out and say that,” Olivia replied.

“Fine,” he shook his head, “If you think it’s better for her then I’ll leave.”

“Thank you,” she gave him a reassuring smile.

Rafael sighed, “Just make sure she knows I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“I will,” Olivia nodded. “I’ll meet you at home once I’m done here,” Olivia said.

“I’m not going home,” he mumbled as he stood up.

“Where are you going then?” Olivia asked.

Rafael started towards the door, “My office. I’m sure spending most of the day here has left a pile of paperwork on my desk. I’ll call you later.” 

 

Hours later, Rafael stood staring out the window of his office; drink in hand, as he stood there lost in thought there was a soft knock on the door. As he turned around he found Carisi standing in the doorway, “Hey,” he smiled.

Carisi smiled back, “Hey, I thought you could use some company.”

“Thanks,” Rafael replied, “You didn’t have to come all this way though.”

Carisi shrugged as he walked towards him, “I heard you could use a friend.”

Rafael made his way over to the lounge; “I wasn’t sure if-“

“I’m always going to be there for you,” Carisi interrupted. As Rafael sat down Carisi took the stolen moment to admire him; noting the missing suit jacket and tie, his unbuttoned dress shirt, sleeves rolled up and the way his suspenders hung loosely around his hips. It had been a while since Carisi saw him dressed so casually.

“Have you heard?” Rafael mumbled; gesturing the seat next to him.

Brought back into the moment Carisi asked, “What?”

“What Stabler is accusing me of,” he sighed.

Carisi nodded as he sat down, “I have… He’s told the whole squad what he thinks.”

Rafael hesitated, “You don’t think I did it, do you?”

“Of course not,” Carisi frowned, “No one does.”

Rafael smiled a little, “I hope not.” As the room fell silent between the two Rafael took a sip of his drink; turning to look Carisi in the eye he mumbled, “I have something I should tell you.”

“Oh-“

“Only ‘Liv knows and I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone,” he paused, “You’re the only other one I trust with this.”

Carisi frowned; confused, “Okay, what is it?”

Taking a deep breath Rafael said, “Sofia… she’s my daughter.”

“Wait, what?”

Rafael nodded, “That’s why I’m so protective of her.”

“Fling?” Carisi asked.

Rafael leaned forward; elbows resting on his knees. Staring at the drink in his hand, “Do you think that little of me?” he sighed.

Carisi placed a tender hand on Rafael’s bicep, “I didn’t mean it like that,” he comforted. “You’ve never mentioned her so I just thought…”

Rafael moved his gaze away from his drink and stared at Carisi’s hand; feeling the comfort and familiarity from his touch. His eyes darted up to the man sitting next to him, “I’ve only ever been ashamed of two things in my life,” he mumbled.

“Oh,” Carisi sighed; starting to lift his hand away.

Rafael quickly placed his hand on top of Carisi’s before it left his bicep, “No,” he smiled sweetly, “I was never ashamed of you.” Taking a deep breath Rafael added, “I’m ashamed that I walked away from Sofia… and you.”

“I’ve missed this,” Carisi whispered; eyes darting between Rafael’s and lips.

Rafael let go of Carisi, “I’ve missed you but-“

“You’re with Olivia,” Carisi sighed; moving his hand.

Rafael nodded; looking back at his drink, “I’m just happy that you’re talking to me again.”

Carisi smiled a little, “I was never gonna leave you.” Carisi watched as Rafael took sips of his drink; his stomach twisting in knots thinking about the man in front of him. “So,” Carisi mumbled, breaking the silence, “What happened between you and Sofia’s mother?”

“Long story short,” Rafael muttered into his glass. After finishing off his drink he sighed, “We got married, divorced and I left.”

“There’s more than that, right?,” Carisi said.

“Yeah…” Rafael half-heartedly laughed, “There’s more, but if I’m going to continue I’m gonna need another drink.” Rafael stood up then made his way over to his desk and poured himself another drink, “Want one?” he asks, not looking at Carisi.

“Sure,” he smiled.

Rafael nodded as he took out a second glass from his top drawer; after pouring the second one he made his way over to the lounge; bring the bottle with him. He placed the bottle on the floor as he sat close to Carisi; shoulder to shoulder, “Here,” he smiled as he handed Carisi the drink.

“Thanks,” he replied. _It’s been a while since we were this close,_ Carisi thought; a fond smile evident on his face.

Taking a sip of his drink Rafael muttered, “Okay, are you ready?”

Carisi nodded, “If you want to talk about it.”

Rafael took in a deep breath, “I married Gloria after we found out she was pregnant with Sofia. Things happened over the years and we drifted apart until one day I couldn’t hide from it anymore… _She wouldn’t let me_.”

“What happened?”

“She had an affair,” he replied leaning forward as he shook his head. “Well, affairs.”

“Raf,” Carisi sighed, “I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be,” he said taking a sip of his drink. “It was a long time ago and I knew about them. For years, I knew. Figured if I pretended long enough we could still make it work but it’s different when you come home to find the other man in your bed with your wife.” Carisi placed a hand on Rafael’s shoulder; Rafael slowly turned his head and sheepishly looked at the man next to him, “I vowed then to never…” he paused; looking away, “Never to let anyone in.”

“She hurt you,” Carisi said sympathetically, “I can understand why you wouldn’t want to put yourself out there… Until now.”

Rafael nodded, “I’m sorry.”

Carisi glided his hand off Rafael’s shoulder and gently ran it across the top of his back, “Don’t be.” Rafael closed his eyes; relishing in the tender touch but before he was lost completely Carisi asked, “What happened to Sofia?”

Opening his eyes he sighed, “We both lost custody and I walked away when I should have fought.”

“Does she know what happened?” Carisi questioned.

“No,” Rafael muttered; taking a sip of his drink. “I’m sorry, do you mind if we talk about something else for a while?”

“Not at all,” Carisi smiled; his hand still running softly along Rafael’s back.

“I’ve missed our late nights together,” Rafael smiled.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Carisi laughed.

After a moment of silence between the two Rafael placed a hand on Carisi’s knee as he turned to him and muttered, “I loved you… I know I didn’t say it and the way I left things certainly didn’t help.”

“How many of those have you had already?” Carisi asked; pointing to Rafael’s glass.

“I’ve lost count,” Rafael admitted, “But that doesn’t change anything.”

“I know,” Carisi nodded. “But things have changed now and we can’t turn back the clock.”

Rafael sighed, “Yeah, I know. I’m still sorry though.”

Carisi spent the next few hours drinking with Rafael; trying to distract him, they spent the night laughing and enjoyed each others company until the early hours of the morning.

 

The next morning Rafael woke to a pounding headache; _I haven’t had that much to drink since_ … his mind drifted as he slowly opened his eyes. This wasn’t his home. This wasn’t his bed. Yet, there was an odd feeling of familiarity. Confused; Rafael slowly sat up; bring a hand to his aching head, he looked around the room. It was dark; curtains closed, the room was filled with wooden furnishings and law books scattered around. He stopped when he saw his clothes on the floor, “Shit,” he whispered under his breath. He whipped his head around to find Carisi sleeping beside him. _FUCK_ , he panicked, _What the hell happened last night!_ He sat there frozen for a moment, _What do I do? What did I do? Shit._ After he gathered his thoughts he sheepishly got out of the bed; trying not to wake the man next to him, and collected his clothes. As he got dressed he thought about leaving a note but decided against it; once dressed he left without a word.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael’s heart was racing as he walked through the door of his home, “Olivia?” he called out. No answer. “Olivia, I have something I need to tell you,” he muttered. When there still was no response Rafael quickly looked around the house for any sign of her or Noah; he was relieved to find they weren’t home. Taking a deep breath he decided to have a quick shower and get ready for work. Thirty minutes later he found himself walking out the door, with his sunglasses on, and heading for the precinct.

 

As Rafael got off the elevator and started for Carisi’s desk; he felt his hands get sweaty, _pathetic,_ he thought, _you’re better than this, just ask him what happened_. He was walking across the room when Olivia called out, “Hey!”

He jumped a little as he turned his gaze over to her office he smiled nervously, “Hey.”

“Can you come in here please?” she asked.

He nodded and started for her office; as he got to the doorway he asked, “What’s this about?”

“I just want to talk,” she said gesturing him to a chair as she walked around to her own behind her desk.

“Oh?” he questioned as he sat down. “What about?”

“Where were you last night?”

“Last night?” he said shifting in his seat.

“You didn’t come home,” she shrugged, “Did I forget you were working late?”

“You didn’t forget,” Rafael sighed, “I, um-“

“Can you take your sunglasses off?” Olivia asked.

Rafael slowly removed his glasses; he frowned as the bright lights hit his eyes, as he put his sunglasses in his inner suit pocket he mumbled, “As I was saying, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Okay,” she said confused.

“So,” he hesitated, “I-I drank a lot-“

“Hey Lieu,” Carisi interrupted, “The President of Hudson University is on the phone, she wants to talk to you.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Do you mind if we continue this later?” she asked Rafael.

Rafael sighed, relieved, “Sure.” He got up; leaving Olivia to her call, and followed Carisi to his desk, “I, uh,” Rafael muttered.

“Yeah?” Carisi frowned; confused. “You need more evidence or something?”

“Um, no,” he hesitated, “Did I… um, did we… You know what, it doesn’t matter, I’ll ask you when it’s not busy.”

“You sure?” Carisi questioned, “You seem distracted.”

“I’m… It’s nothing, I’m fine,” Rafael reassured. _You’re being stupid,_ he argued with himself, _you need to know… but I don’t want to know._

“What’s wrong?” Carisi sighed.

“Nothing,” Rafael mumbled, “I’ll see you later… Tell ‘Liv I’m going to my office if she needs me.” Carisi nodded as Rafael turned towards the elevator.

As he crossed the squad room he heard Olivia call out, “Rafael!” she sounded angry.

He snapped his head around; “What’s wrong?”

“Hudson,” she snarled; shaking her head. “You’re going to want to hear what they said.”

As he quickly walked across the room he asked, “What’d they say?”

Watching him as he neared her door she sighed, “They’re suspending her.”

“WHAT!” Rafael huffed. “They can’t do that. She’s done nothing wrong.”

“Let’s talk in my office,” Olivia mumbled as she turned towards her desk.

Rafael followed her as he said, “Why are they suspending her?”

“I asked but they wouldn’t disclose,” she sighed.

“Where’s she going to go? She’s got nobody-“

“That’s not true,” Olivia smiled. “She’s got you… she’s got us. I’m more than happy to welcome her into our home.”

“Liv,” Rafael sighed, “She’s… You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” she reassured. “I know what she means to you. She is your daughter after all and I wouldn’t mind the opportunity to get to know her better.”

“I don’t know Liv,” he mumbled. “She isn’t your responsibility, I don’t want to force you into something-“

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Olivia interrupted, “You’re not forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. She’s your family which makes her my family too and I’m more than happy to welcome her into our home, if anything I encourage it.”

Rafael sighed, “Okay, I’ll make the offer but she probably won’t take it.”

“Have a little faith,” she smiled, “I think Sofia will surprise you.”

“Did she say something after I left?” he questioned.

“She didn’t say much outside of the case,” Olivia paused as Rafael dropped his gaze, “But she did say she glad she’s getting the chance to actually talk to you after all these years.”

Rafael lifted his gaze back to Olivia, “Oh?” he said; the corners of his mouth showing a slight smile.

Olivia nodded, “She’s a smart girl…. She’s figuring out that you’re not at all what she thought.”

“Yeah,” Rafael mumbled as he looked around her office; he paused when he caught a glimpse of Carisi through the window. “Or maybe I’m figuring out I’m exactly who she thinks I am,” he muttered under his breath.

Olivia placed a comforting hand on his shoulder; his head snapped around back to her as she said, “You should give yourself more credit,” she smiled. “You’re the greatest man I’ve ever met and I’m so lucky I get to tell you that I love you everyday.”

“I love you too Liv,” he smiled.

As Olivia smiled at him she noticed the sorrow hidden in his eyes, “Raf?” she asked.

Rafael took a deep breath then cleared his throat, “So, how long does she have until she needs to pack her things?”

“I’m not sure,” Olivia sighed as he arm fell to her side, “I forgot to ask.”

“How long is the suspension?” he asked.

“Until they decide she’s no longer a disruption,” she mumbled.

“Well how long will that take?” Rafael frowned.

Olivia shrugged, “It’s Hudson so who knows.”

“Okay,” Rafael muttered, “Well do you at least know if there’s anything we can do to help her get back sooner?”

Olivia paused as she took a deep breath, “No.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “You need to get back on the phone and find out.”

“Rafael-“

“No,” he huffed, “You need to find out now.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “I’ll see what I can do but I doubt I’ll get any more information.”

“Just try,” he sighed.

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as Olivia watched Rafael turn back to the window; _what’s he doing? Who’s he looking for?_ she thought. When Rafael took a deep breath she was drawn back into the present; he started to take a step towards the door when she found herself asking, “Do you want to talk about last night?”

“No,” Rafael sighed. “You should call Hudson back and I should go to Sofia.”

“Are you sure?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Rafael muttered; turning to face her.

Olivia raised her eyebrow, “You said you wanted to-“

“Right now, it’s not important,” Rafael interrupted, “Sofia needs to know what’s going on.”

Olivia sighed, “Okay, I’ll see you tonight?”

Rafael took a few quick strides across the room and wrapped his arms around Olivia, “Of course,” he smiled.

Olivia leaned in to kiss him but he moved his head, “Rafi?”

Not turning back to look at her, he sighed, “I should get going,”

“Okay,” she replied as she gave him a soft kiss on his cheek.

Rafael let go of her and started for the door, “I’ll talk to you later.”

 

As Rafael was walking out of Olivia’s office; his head beginning to spin as he walked past Carisi’s desk. He thought, _I need a drink_ , but before he could go anywhere Elliot called out, “Barba.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he turned to look down the hallway, “What do you want? I’ve got things to do.”

Elliot quickly walked towards him, “I have a suspect in interrogation and I think you should talk to him-“

“What?” Rafael said sceptically, “No you don’t… I didn’t see anyone in either interrogation rooms when I was in Liv’s office.”

“He’s in the last one… Down the hall,” Elliot explained.

“Well Liv didn’t say anything-“

“She’s busy, it must have slipped her mind,” Elliot mumbled. “Now if you don’t want to do it I’ll find a competent ADA who will.”

Rafael frowned, “Excuse me?”

“Are you coming or not?”

Taking a deep breath Rafael mumbled, “Fine… This better not take long.” As they walked down the hallway towards interrogation room three Rafael asked, “So, what are we dealing with? What’s he accused of?”

“Assaulting a 19 year old girl,” Elliot answered as he stopped in front of the door. “Ready?”

“Yeah okay,” Rafael sighed. He opened the door and started towards the middle of the room when he paused; looking around he didn’t see anyone, “What’s going on? Where’s the suspect?”

Elliot quickly entered the room and locked the door behind him, “I’m looking at him.”

“You fucker,” Rafael frowned. “Let me out.”

“No,” Elliot said bluntly. Rafael started towards the door when Elliot pushed him backwards, “Sit down!”

“Fuck off,” Rafael growled. “Does Liv know about this?”

“No,” he shrugged, “You’ve got everyone fooled especially Olivia… But you can’t fool me, I know you’re hiding something.”

Rafael brushed past Elliot and jiggled the door, “Give me the key!”

“You’re a suspect,” Elliot mumbled, “You’re not going anywhere until you answer my questions.”

“You can’t hold me!” Rafael barked as he took his phone out of his pocket.

“I can hold you for 24 hours without charging you,” Elliot corrected.

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Liv would never allow that.”

Elliot took a few quick strides closing the gap between them, “Give me that phone or I’ll take it from you.”

“You can’t do this,” Rafael snarled as he searched his contacts.

As Rafael pulled up Olivia’s number Elliot quickly snatched the phone from his hand, “Sit down so we can get this over and done with,” Elliot huffed.

Rafael stood there for a moment as he glared at Elliot, “Give it back to me!”

“Sit down!”

“No,” Rafael mumbled as he lunged forward in an attempt to grab his phone. Elliot kept his grasp on the phone is tight as Rafael pulled at it, “You need to learn your place,” he panted as he swung his fist at Elliot.

Elliot blocked Rafael’s punch, “Calm down-“

“Fuck you,” Rafael frowned as he struggled for the phone. “Let go!” he huffed as he elbowed Elliot in the ribs.

Unfazed by the blow to his ribs he said, “You don’t do that to Liv do you?”

“Screw you!” Rafael yelled; striking Elliot again. As they struggled Elliot tried to push Rafael away, “I can see why your wife left you,” Rafael growled.

Deciding it was enough Elliot brought up his elbow and hit Rafael in the jaw; Rafael stumbled backwards and fell against the wall. As the room started to spin Rafael slid down the wall until he was sitting; feeling his mouth fill with blood he slurred, “You’re not going to get away with this.”

“I just wanted to ask a few questions,” Elliot sighed as he knelt down holding out a hand.

Rafael blinked a few times as he tried to focus on Elliot; seeing his hand Rafael slapped it away, “I don’t need your fucking help,” he yelled, blood and spit dribbling down his chin.

“Just tell me what your relationship is with the vic,” Elliot mumbled as he stood up.

“The same as yours,” Rafael sighed. The blood ran down his chin and started to drip on his collar, “She’s just a case.”

Elliot rolled his eyes, “I don’t buy that.”

Rafael twisted his body as he used the wall to slowly stand up, “I don’t care if you believe me or not.”

“You don’t have an alibi-“

“I don’t need one,” Rafael huffed, now fully standing. “I didn’t do this… I would never.”

“I’ve been working this job a lot longer than you have,” Elliot mumbled, “I’ve lost count of how many times people have lied like that.”

“Enough,” Rafael growled as he made his way over to the two-way mirror. “I don’t need to explain myself to someone like you,” he added as he started to bang on the glass.

“I won’t let Liv marry someone like you-“

“Liv can marry whoever she wants,” Rafael snarled; fresh blood dribbling down his chin. “You’re just jealous it’s not you!”

“I guess Liv didn’t tell-“

“What are you doing?” Carisi’s voice interrupted through the intercom system.

“GET ME OUT!” Rafael barked.

“Elliot open the door!” Carisi ordered.

Elliot rolled his eyes as he started towards the door; not long after Elliot unlocked the door and opened it, “I still have questions for you.”

“We’re done,” Rafael huffed, snatching his phone from Elliot as he walked past. Turning his head as he left the room; he saw Carisi standing in front of the two-way mirror, Rafael rolled his eyes as he started to walk away.

“Wait,” Carisi said as he followed.

“I’m not in the mood to talk,” Rafael growled. As he got closer to Olivia’s office he saw her standing in her doorway; wide-eyed and mouth ajar, “I swear to god if you had anything to do with this-“ Rafael snarled; fresh blood and spit running down his chin.

“Rafael-” Olivia sighed.

“You better get your detective back in line,” he huffed as he wiped his chin with the back of his hand. Olivia took a few steps towards him when he shook his head, “Don’t,” he mumbled as he walked away.

“Where are you going?”

“Where do you think?” he rolled his eyes.

“How about I come with you?” she suggested.

“No,” he huffed as he continued towards the elevator.

Olivia stood there shocked as she watched Rafael disappear around the corner; before long she saw Elliot walking towards her, “What did you do?”

“I questioned him,” Elliot shrugged.

As Carisi walked past he muttered, “Yeah… By locking him in the interrogation room and hitting him.”

“I didn’t mean to hit him,” he sighed.

“What were you thinking?!” Olivia snapped.

“I was doing my job,” Elliot defended. “I knew none of you would have the guts to question him. He’s our best suspect!”

“You can’t just lock him in a room and force him to talk!”

“Because he’s your fiancé?” Elliot remarked.

“Because he’s an ADA!” Olivia yelled. After taking a few deep breaths Olivia calmly said, “He knows the system better than anyone I’ve worked with. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t speak to Chief Dodds or hell even Tucker.”

“He wouldn’t do that,” Elliot scoffed, “It would expose him too-“

“Elliot!” Olivia huffed. “He’s not who you think he is.”

“Well, one of us has it wrong,” Elliot remarked.

Olivia rolled her eyes, “You could have talked to me-“

“I tried, you dismissed my claims so I did what I could,” Elliot paused, “Don’t pretend you wouldn’t have done the same if it was someone else.”

“If I had any reason to suspect him I wouldn’t hesitate,” Olivia sighed. “But he didn’t do this.”

“Fine,” he sighed as he started to walk away.

“Elliot,” Olivia mumbled. As he turned to face her she added, “I’m gonna have to write an official warning. You try something like that again and we’re going to have to talk about suspensions.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Gotta save face for him.”

“It’s not like that-“

“Yes it is,” Elliot shrugged as he left.

 

 

Rafael was walking up to Sofia’s hospital room when he saw her sitting in her bed; phone in hand, he took one step into the room when he paused, “C-can I come in?” he asked.

Sofia nodded; her eyes glued to her phone, “Mmm, yeah, that’s fine.”

Rafael slowly started for her bed when he mumbled, “I, um, I have something I need to tell you-“

“Is it about the suspension?” she asked.

“You heard?” he sighed.

Sofia glanced up from her phone to find Rafael making his way towards a chair, “They called me this morning,” she replied. “How did you find out?”

“They called Olivia,” he mumbled, “They’re covering their ass by informing us about your status.”

“Oh.”

Rafael sighed as he pulled a chair to the side of her bed, “It’s ridiculous. We’re doing everything we can to get you back into school.”

“I appreciate that,” she smiled. Watching him sit down she sighed, “I’ve been asked to move out of my dorm. I have until 12pm Friday-”

“What?” Rafael frowned. “I knew you had to move out but that’s only a few days away! You’re still in the hospital-”

“I know,” she nodded, “I get dismissed soon and I was kinda hoping I could ask you to come with me… I don’t want to go to Hudson by myself.”

“Of course I will,” he said.

“I’ve spent the morning trying to work out where I’m going to go,” she sighed as she looked down at her phone.

Rafael watched as she began typing; “If you don’t have anywhere to go…” he hesitated, “You’re more than welcome to stay with Liv and I.”

Looking up from her phone she started, “I don’t want to impose-“

“You won’t be,” he smiled. “It’s probably the safest place for you right now but… I understand if you don’t want to.”

“Can I think about it?” she asked.

Rafael leaned forward, closer to her, “Take as much time as you need.”

As he spoke Sofia could smell alcohol on his breath, “Hard day?”

Rafael frowned confused, “What?”

She paused as she studied him, “Your collar,” she pointed out when she saw something red.

He quickly looked down and managed to just see some spots of blood, “Oh,” he shrugged, “You should see the other guy.”

“What did you do?”

“Me?” Rafael frowned, “I was the one who took the worst hit.”

As Sofia looked closely she saw the slightly swollen cut on his bottom lip, “Do you usually resolve things like that?”

Rafael paused as he stared at her; “I didn’t start- It’s just a misunderstanding,” he sighed, “I don’t hit people Sofia.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “Then what happened?”

“I was sucker punched,” Rafael mumbled shaking his head, “That’s all you need to know.”

Sofia sat quietly for a moment before saying; “I guess it’s been a tough few days for the both of us.”

“How about we talk about something else?” Rafael suggested.

“Okay,” she nodded. “If I stayed with you am I going to share a room with… um, his name’s Noah, right?”

“Yeah it’s Noah,” Rafael smiled, “And no, we have a spare room so you’d get your own space.”

Rafael spent the next hour talking with Sofia about what it would be like if she choose to live with him, along with other small talk. After a while he left and spent the rest of the day in his office, having a drink here and there to dull the throbbing pain he felt from his bottom lip.

 

Later that day, Rafael slowly walked through the door of his home; as it closed behind him he started to make his way towards his study when Olivia emerged from the lounge room, “I’m sorry,” she sighed. Rafael shook his head as he kept walking; “Rafael please stop,” she said taking hold of his hand as he walked past.

Rafael sighed, “Fine.”

“I had no idea he was going to do that-”

“Mhmm,” he mumbled.

“Please believe me,” Olivia sighed.

“Have you done anything about him?” Rafael asked.

“I gave him a warning-“

“That it!?” he frowned; _Does he matter more to her?_ , “I could have done more than that.”

“Speaking of which,” she hesitated, “Have you spoken to Dodd’s or anyone?”

“No,” Rafael sighed, “I should but… It’s not worth it. I figured you would have done more.”

“What do you want me to do?” she asked.

“Fire him!” Rafael snarled.

“I’m not going to do that,” Olivia sighed. “He was out of line today but he’s a good cop and if we’re being honest… He’s got a point. Right now, with your behaviour the way it is, you are our best suspect.”

Rafael felt winded as she spoke; “Taking his side,” he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not,” she huffed.

“Then why didn’t you do something,” he sighed. “A warning? That’s ridiculous for what he did to me… He locked me in a room like I was one of the scum we put away!”

“I know,” she sighed, “It’s the best I could.”

Rafael scoffed, “Whatever.”

“Rafael,” Olivia mumbled, “There wasn’t anything I could do. If I told Dodds myself, there would be questions as to your involvement with Sofia and we both know you don’t want anyone to know. Then if I fired him on the spot it would bring some heat on me for having a bias and they would consider transferring one of us.” She paused as she took a deep breath, “Things will calm down with him but I don’t want to fire him if I don’t have to, he needs this job.”

“He’s out to ruin me Liv and you don’t even care, ” Rafael huffed.

“He’s not,” she sighed.

“You keep defending him,” Rafael frowned, “Is there something I need to know?”

“Don’t,” she muttered, “Don’t keep doing that. You know there’s nothing-”

“Do I? He hit me in the face and you’re defending him,” Rafael mumbled. “He said something and it’s been playing in the back of my mind,” he paused, “Is there something you need to tell me?”

_Do I tell him about the kiss?_ she thought, “No, I promise there’s nothing. He was just trying to get under your skin.”

_I don’t believe that,_ he frowned, “Mhmm okay.”

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he sighed. “I’m going to work on some stuff-“

Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist; stopping him from walking away, “Is it sore?” she asked, looking at his lip.

Rafael ran his tongue over the split in his bottom lip, “Not so much,” he muttered, “I’ve managed to dull the pain.”

“I’m sorry, he should never had the chance to do that,” she sighed.

“No, he shouldn’t have,” Rafael mumbled. “What’s done is done.”

“Are you mad at me?”

_Disappointed not mad,_ “No, I know you didn’t have anything to do with what he did.”

“I would never do that to you, I love you,” Olivia smiled gently.

“I love you too,” he said with a small smile.

Olivia leaned in and kissed him; the taste of bourbon was strong, he quickly pulled away, “I guess it hurts more than I thought it did,” he growled. “I can’t even kiss you because of him.”

“How about we sit on the lounge and-“

“No,” Rafael interrupted; unwrapping himself from her grasp, “I’m just going to go into the study and do some work for a while.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time in there,” she sighed, “Why don’t you just spend one night with me?”

“I have a lot of work,” he mumbled as he started to walk down the hall. “Maybe tomorrow.”

Olivia watched him disappear into the study, “That’s what you always say,” she muttered under her breath.

She stood there for a moment; feeling lost, until she heard the click of his door shutting, taking a long deep breath she stared towards the kitchen. As she entered the kitchen she decided to get herself a glass of wine; when she finished pouring it she placed the bottle gently on the stone counter top and picked up her glass. She turned around and leaned against the counter as she slowly sipped at her wine; while she drank she could feel the silence between the two start to grow louder as she stood there trying to remember the last time they spent a whole night together. Unable to give herself the answer she desperately craved, she frowned, _This is getting ridiculous, something’s going on with him... Was it something to do with last night?_ She took another sip of her wine as her thoughts jumped into overdrive; _He’s been distant for a while now… Is it me?_ She could feel her eyes water at the thought; as a lone tear escaped and rolled down her cheek she quickly wiped it away while taking a shuddering breath. Deciding she wasn’t going to let the silence defeat her; she quickly placed her wine on the bench and started for his study. When she reached it she brought her shaking hand up to the door and found herself hesitating; _Look at you hesitating… Get a grip,_ she sighed, _Just knock on the door, quit being so pathetic._

Olivia cautiously knocked on the door, “Yeah?” his muffled voice said.

She slowly opened the door and walked inside; she saw Rafael sitting at his desk in the middle of the room, “I just want to talk, is that okay with you?”

“Mmm,” Rafael muttered; not moving his gaze from his computer, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Last night,” she sighed, “You never did finish what you wanted to say.”

“Nothing to tell,” Rafael mumbled. “I drank a lot and I guess I lost track of time.”

“You seemed worried in my office earlier.”

Rafael sighed, “I just… I was working with Carisi and I wasn’t sure if I… If I called you last night.”

“You didn’t,” she replied.

“Yeah,” he muttered, “I figured when we spoke-“

“Will you look at me?” she frowned as she took a few steps towards his desk.

Rafael sighed as he paused; after a few deep breaths he flicked his gaze to her, “I just wish I came home last night. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Rafael shrugged, “It was a long day yesterday and I drank a lot last night, that’s all there is to it.”

“You have barely looked me in the eyes today,” she sighed, “You’ve pulled away from me all day.”

“No I haven’t,” Rafael frowned, “Don’t you remember the last half hour?”

“I do,” she nodded, “I had to stop you from walking away.”

Rafael groaned in frustration, “I’ve just got a lot going on right now and to me it feels like you’re picking everyone else above me.”

“I’m not,” she sighed.

“Elliot is a good example of that,” he frowned. “I understand why you only gave him a warning but he’s trying to get between us and you’re letting it work.”

“It’s not working,” she mumbled.

“I’m sure given the chance he’d kiss you again,” Rafael muttered. “I’m afraid if he did, you either wouldn’t tell me or leave me for him.”

“Rafi-“

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I know you wouldn’t let that happen. I’m just overthinking things lately… But I know you’re better than me.”

As the room fell into a tense silence Olivia thought, _I should just tell him_.

Rafael watched as Olivia looked around the room; lost in thought, _I should tell her everything…_ he frowned, _but you don’t even know what happened._ “I, um, I should get back to work.”

Olivia looked back at him, “Why don’t we have that party I spoke about awhile ago?” she asked.

“What?” he questioned.

“A distraction could be good,” Olivia said.

“I’m not in the mood for a party,” Rafael mumbled.

“It will be good for you,” she reassured. “It’ll be nice to hang out with our friends and forget everything for a few hours.”

“I should really focus on getting everything ready for Sofia if she chooses to come here,” he sighed.

“It’s one night,” she said. “Please… We don’t get to do much anymore.”

“I know.”

“Tomorrow night?” Olivia asked.

“Liv,” he mumbled, “Sofia needs me-“

“She’s discharged in two days,” Olivia sighed, “I need you- I want you back for one night…”

“What are you talking about?” Rafael frowned, “You see me everyday and I’m home most nights.”

“Are you really home though?” she questioned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” she sighed. “Can you just think about having a party?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “How about a dinner not a full blown party?”

“I’ll take it,” she mumbled.

“Okay,” he sighed, “Tomorrow night. I’ll be here.”

Rafael looked back down to his computer and started to work again; sighing, Olivia took the hint and started for the door. Once she reached it she paused and looked over her shoulder; he had a drink in his hand while he stared at the screen in front of him. In an attempt to keep Rafael talking to her she asked, “Do you want to talk about the wedding?”

“Now?” Rafael frowned, putting his drink down, “Why?”

“Because we’ve hardly spoken about it and I think we should at least start thinking about planning it,” she sighed as she walked towards him.

“Whatever you want is fine by me,” he mumbled.

“That’s not how this works,” she frowned.

Rafael lifted his gaze to her, “Are you seriously telling me about weddings?”

“Rafael,” Olivia sighed, “I’m only going to get married once-“ Olivia paused when Rafael scoffed a little, “What?”

“It’s just…” Rafael shrugged one shoulder, “That’s what I said both before and after my last marriage.”

“I just want this day to be special, don’t you?” Olivia asked.

“I want it to be special but I really just don’t care-“ he paused; pressing his lips together as he closed his eyes. After a few seconds he opened them again as he sighed, “That’s not what I meant.”

Olivia took a deep breath; “Do you want to get married?”

“Of course I do,” Rafael frowned, “Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, “Lately it feels like you don’t.”

Rafael shook his head, “I love you Liv, I really do and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But… I have a lot on my mind right now. With Sofia being back in my life it’s just bringing up a lot of old memories I’d rather forget.”

“I know,” she sighed, “I’m sorry that all of this has been drop on you out of the blue but please remember that you’re not alone. I am here and I will always be here for you. I just don’t want all of this to affect your view on our relationship.”

“It hasn’t,” Rafael smiled reassuringly. “I couldn’t love you any more than what I already do and nothing will ever change that.”

“I know,” she smiled, “Do you want to talk about the wedding?”

“To be honest,” Rafael sighed, as he picked up his drink, “Not right now, I’ve got to figure some things out before I’m in the right mind set to think about a wedding.”

“Maybe I can help,” she suggested.

“I don’t think you can,” he whispered into his drink, “I just need figure out what happened-“ He paused as he cleared his throat, “I, um, I just have to ask Carisi something that’s all. But I can’t think about the wedding until I know-”

“Ask me, maybe I know the answer,” she replied.

Rafael sighed, “No it’s fine, I’ll figure it out soon.”

“You can do it tomorrow at the party,” she smiled.

“Dinner,” Rafael corrected.

“Right, dinner,” she nodded, “Well, would you like to join me on the lounge? Noah will be home soon.”

“I think I’m just going to stay in here.”

Olivia sighed as she turned for the door, “Okay.”

 

 

The next night Olivia called out from the kitchen, “Rafael!”

“Uh oh,” Rafael smiled; raising both eyebrows to Noah, “I think I’m in trouble.” As Noah giggled Rafael called back, “Yeah?”

“I want you two to get ready,” she replied.

Rafael sighed as he looked back at Noah, “Guess we gotta do as we’re told.”

“Aww,” Noah pouted, “But I wanna keep playing.”

“Hey come on,” Rafael smiled, “Don’t be sad.”

Noah took a deep breath, “I don’t wanna stop playing with you.”

Rafael leaned forward as he continued to sit on the floor; “Come here,” he said pulling Noah into a hug.

“I love you Rafi,” Noah smiled; wrapping his arms around Rafael.

“I love you too Buddy,” Rafael mumbled into his hair.

After a moment Rafael started tickling Noah, “Rafi,” Noah laughed, “Stop.”

“Stop what?” Rafael smirked as he continued.

Noah wriggled his way out of Rafael’s arms, “Can’t tickle me now,” he smiled.

“Is that so?” Rafael laughed as he slowly started to get up. Noah squealed with excitement as he ran across the room. Standing up Rafael added, “Come here,” as he started to chase the little boy.

Noah ran around the room giggling as Rafael got closer, “Can’t catch me Rafi!”

Rafael took one big lunge forward as he grabbed the small boy; picking him up off the ground Rafael started to tickle him, “I got you,” he panted.

Noah wiggled around in Rafael’s arms as he laughed, “R-R-Rafi st-op,” he stuttered.

“RAFAEL!” Olivia called out.

Rafael paused as he answered, “Yes?”

“Hurry up,” her muffled voice responded, “Noah needs to get ready.”

“OKAY!” he called back. Rafael looked at the giggling boy in his arms as he sighed, “I guess we should get you ready.”

“Okay,” Noah mumbled.

“Wanna hop on my shoulders?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded profusely making Rafael chuckle, “Okay, ready?”

“Ready,” Noah said.

“One… two… Three,” he huffed as he swung his arms along with Noah above his head until Noah sat comfortably along his shoulders. “You good?” he asked.

Noah placed his hands in Rafael’s hair as he answered, “Yes Rafi.”

Rafael moved his arms down to Noah’s knees as he started walking out of the living room, “How mad do you think Mommy is?”

“Umm,” Noah thought, “Pretty mad.”

Rafael chuckled as he turned towards the kitchen, “Olivia?” he cautiously said.

“Mhmm,” she replied as she turned to find him standing in the doorway. “Are you two not ready yet? I told you to start getting ready an hour ago.”

“I was going to ask what you wanted him in,” Rafael mumbled.

“His pyjamas probably,” she shrugged, “It would be easier for later.”

Rafael nodded as he stood silently in the doorway for a moment; “You know,” he muttered, “It’s not too late to cancel.”

“What?” Olivia frowned, “I’m not doing that.”

“Just say Noah’s sick,” he shrugged, “They’ll understand.”

“I’m not sick Rafi,” Noah said confused.

Rafael tilted his head to see Noah, “I know Buddy,” he reassured.

“Rafael,” Olivia sighed, “Just get ready. This is happening and they will be here soon so quit mucking around.”

Rafael turned his gaze back down to Olivia as he took a deep breath, “Fine. I’ll get Noah dressed.”

“You should wear that new shirt you bought,” Olivia suggested, “You know the white and blue paisley one. I think you look very handsome in that… But I think you always do.”

Rafael nodded as he started to walk away, “Yeah okay- Oh, and before I forget,” he paused. “Sofia messaged me earlier, she wants to take us up on the offer.”

“Oh?” Olivia said surprised, “She wants to stay here?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “That’s still on the table right?”

“Of course,” Olivia nodded.

“Come on Rafi,” Noah sighed as he leaned against Rafael’s head, “I wanna goooo.”

“Okay okay,” Rafael laughed, “Let’s get you ready.”

 

Twenty minutes later Rafael was trying to button up his cuff when he heard Olivia call out, “Are you getting ready?”

Sighing, Rafael answered, “Yeah, I’ll be done soon.” As he struggled to get the button to stay, he growled under his breath, “If I can get this bloody thing to stay.”

“They’ll be here soon,” Olivia hollered.

“I’d rather not be doing this at all,” Rafael muttered as he continued fiddling with his button.

While he was lost in his own world he didn’t hear the bedroom door open, “What was that?” Olivia asked.

“Liv,” Rafael jumped, “I, um, I was just talking to myself.”

“What’s wrong?” she sighed.

“I can’t get this fricken button,” Rafael frowned as he held out his sleeve.

Olivia smiled gently as she walked towards him; taking hold of his arm, “Let me.”

Rafael sighed as he watched Olivia straighten out his sleeve and button it with ease, “Thank you.”

Olivia flicked her eyes to meet Rafael’s; she noticed a small curl that had escaped his otherwise perfectly gelled hair and she couldn’t help but smile. After a moment she looked back down to his cuff as she finished buttoning it, “Did you get the other one?”

Rafael nodded as he looked at the, now buttoned, cuff, “It was only the one.”

Olivia moved her gaze up and down Rafael’s body as she softly glided her hands up his chest, “I do love this shirt on you,” she grinned. She moved her hands up towards his collar and started to fold it down, “Handsome as always.”

Rafael looked at her lovingly, “You look stunning yourself.”

Olivia smiled as she looked up, “You’ve seen me wear this before.”

“I know, it doesn’t matter what you wear… or don’t,” he winked as he gently embraced the side of her face, “You always look beautiful.”

“Rafi,” she blushed, _he’s back,_ “I love you.”

Rafael leaned in and passionately kissed her; “I love you,” he mumbled against her lips. While they kissed Rafael moved his hands and wrapped them around Olivia, pulling her close against him. Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck as their tongues danced with each other. After a moment Rafael pulled away; breathless, “You know,” he panted, “We could continue this if you cancel-“

Olivia leaned back in his arms as she frowned, “Rafael.”

Rafael sighed as he dropped his arms, “Yeah, I figured as much.”

Olivia slowly let go of Rafael and started for the door, “Come on, they’ll be here soon. You’ll enjoy yourself once it starts.”

“Who’s even coming?” Rafael muttered as he followed her.

“The usual,” she answered making her way towards the living room.

“Like?” he frowned.

“Amanda, Fin and-“

“Carisi?” he sighed.

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded as she turned to face him. “I thought… Are you two good?”

_Depends on what your definition of good is,_ Rafael shrugged as he brushed past her, “Yeah… We’re fine.”

Olivia watched him disappear into the living room, “Rafael?” she questioned as she walked in.

Rafael made his way to the lounge; where Noah was already sitting quietly in the middle of the lounge, “What are we watching Kiddo?”

“I don’t know what it’s called,” Noah shrugged, “It’s a talking wolf.”

Rafael laughed, “Sounds like a defence lawyer to me.”

“Rafi?” Noah frowned confused.

“Don’t worry,” Rafael smiled as he sat next to him.

As Rafael placed an arm along the back of the lounge above Noah, Noah snuggled into Rafael’s side, “Mommy, are you coming too?”

Olivia sighed as she looked down at her watch, “Maybe for a little bit,” she nodded. She quickly made her way over and sat on the other side of Noah; as she sat quietly watching the TV she felt the tips of Rafael’s fingers gently brush some hair behind her ear. Turning to look at him she smiled when she found his big green eyes watching her, “I love you,” she whispered.

_This is all I could ever want;_ he gave her a bittersweet smile as he said, “I love you so much.”

 

As the show ended; Rafael turned to Olivia and sighed, “I thought someone would have shown up by now.”

“It’s been fifteen minutes since we sat down,” Olivia mumbled, “Give it time.”

Rafael groaned as he turned his attention back to the TV, “Maybe with a bit of luck they won’t show up,” he muttered under his breath.

Olivia frowned, “Rafael-“ she was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Can I get it Mommy?” Noah grinned.

“Sure Sweetie,” Olivia smiled. As Noah jumped off the lounge and ran towards the door Olivia turned her attention quickly over to Rafael, “Be nice,” she huffed.

Rafael watched her, silently, as she stood up from the lounge and walked over to Noah, “Uncle Fin!” Noah beamed excitedly.

“Hey Little Man,” Fin smiled as he leaned down and gave Noah a high-five. Standing up straight again, Fin greeted Olivia then turned his attention to Rafael; who was still sitting on the lounge. “Hey man,” Fin said acknowledging Rafael.

Olivia turned her gaze to Rafael; her eyes speaking volumes, Rafael rolled his eyes as he slowly stood up from the lounge, “Hey,” he forced a smile, “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“I didn’t know what to bring,” Fin shrugged as he showcased the bottle in his hand. “I thought whiskey was the best way to go.”

“I can’t argue with that,” Rafael said impressed; taking the bottle from Fin. As he inspected the label he muttered, “Single-Malt, nice.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Olivia smiled, “You didn’t have to bring anything.”

“Oh it’s my pleasure-“

“Want a drink?” Rafael abruptly asked, “I want to try this.”

“Don’t you think we should way for the others to join us?” Olivia casually asked.

Rafael shrugged, “Who knows when that’s gonna be, joining me Fin?”

As Rafael walked towards the kitchen; Olivia and Fin followed with Noah poddling behind, “Sure, I’ll have a glass,” Fin replied.

“Great,” Rafael said as he entered the kitchen. “What about you Liv?”

“I think I’ll have a glass of wine instead,” she sighed as she moved through the kitchen to grab some glasses.

“So,” Fin smiled, “You’re officially a Dad.”

Rafael cracked open the bottle and gingerly smiled, “Y-yeah.”

“I remember the first time I realised I was a Dad,” Fin said lovingly, “Ken was so small back then… Does it feel any different knowing you’re now a first time father?”

Rafael gave Olivia a sidewards glance as he took two tumblers from her, “Um,” he muttered, “Yeah, it’s a little weird I guess… I mean it feels like I’ve done this before...”

“Raf,” Olivia whispered.

“I was always Noah’s father in a way but now it’s official which… I don’t know, it’s great and all but…” he drifted off.

“But what?” Olivia questioned.

“Hey man, I get it,” Fin reassured, “You’ve always considered yourself as Noah’s father and you didn’t need some piece of paper to tell you, you were. And all of a sudden because of this we’re all here celebrating something that already was.”

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded as he poured the drinks, “That’s what feels weird.”

“Don’t worry,” Fin smiled, “Just think of it as an excuse to have a drink with some friends.”

Rafael laughed, “Yeah I guess that’s a good way to look at it.”

When Olivia had finished pouring herself a drink she watched Rafael hand Fin his; after a moment she asked, “How’s Ken?”

“He’s doing well,” Fin smiled, “He and Alejandro are trying to convince me to go on a boating trip with them.”

“Oh really?” Rafael chuckled, “That’ll go well.”

“Well, if you need an outfit I’m sure Rafael still has his somewhere,” Olivia smirked.

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Rafael laughed.

“Oh don’t worry,” Fin chuckled, “I could never pull off that outfit.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he smiled, “It was years ago… But come on, you gotta admit I looked good.”

“Well,” Olivia grinned as she ran a hand down Rafael’s back, “It’s something we all remember.”

Rafael turned his gaze to her; wrapping an arm around her waist, “If that’s all everyone remembers from back then,” he paused, “Then I’m not complaining.”

Olivia gave him a tender smile; “I love you,” she leaned in and kissed him.

When the kiss broke he smiled back, “I love you too.” Looking back to Fin he added, “Despite how it looked then, it’s called fashion… maybe you should try it some time.”

Fin shook his head smiling, “Hey man, you gotta admit that we didn’t really know you back then. We all thought you were stuck up so it was funny to see you walk in with a bright pink shirt and a yellow coat.”

Rafael laughed as he took a sip of his drink, “I’m not saying it wasn’t funny… I still can’t believe I wore it myself. Hell, I’ve still got it.”

“I knew you did,” Olivia grinned. “You’re gonna have to pull it out some time.”

“Ohh really?” Rafael said raising an eyebrow.

“You have to take photos if you can get him to wear it again,” Fin laughed.

There was a knock on the door as Rafael chuckled; while they all slowly made their way towards the front door he quipped, “Only if we get photos of you out on that boat with Ken.”

“Deal,” Fin said.

Looking over his shoulder to Olivia Rafael laughed, “You’re going to make me regret that aren’t you Liv?”

“We’ll see,” she smiled, watching him open the door.

Rafael shook his head as he chuckled; as he slowly turned his head towards the door his laughter began to quieten, “Oh,” he said sheepishly, “Hey Sonny… Amanda.”

“Sorry we’re late,” Amanda sighed, “Bloody cabs wouldn’t stop.”

As Rafael stepped out of the way, gesturing them in, Carisi placed a tender hand on Rafael’s bicep, “Congrats on the adoption.”

“Uh,” Rafael mumbled, his eyes shifting between Carisi’s hand and the floor, “Um, thanks.” He quickly closed the door and made his way over to Olivia; Carisi’s hand falling off him, “I’m glad you all could make it,” he forced a smile as he took hold of Olivia’s hand.

“Do you guys want anything to drink?” Olivia asked.

“Um, yeah okay,” Amanda smiled, “A beer would be nice if you have any.”

Carisi nodded, “Sure, that sounds good to me too.”

As Olivia began to let go of Rafael’s hand, he quickly finished his drink, “I could use another one. You stay here, I’ll get them.”

“You sure?” Olivia asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Fin you need another one?”

“Um, no,” Fin replied as he looked down to his untouched glass. “You only just gave this to me not long ago.”

“Oh,” Rafael said flustered, “Right, um, yeah, so… I’ll be back.”

As Rafael started to walk away, Olivia took hold of his arm, “Are you okay?”

“Me?” Rafael smiled, “Never better.” When Olivia raised a suspicious eyebrow he took a step to close the gap between them and gave her a quick kiss, “I’m fine,” he reassured, “Now, two beers and a whiskey, right?”

“Yes please,” Amanda nodded.

“Yeah, did you need a hand?” Carisi replied.

Rafael shook his head as he started to walk towards the kitchen, “Nah, I’ve got it.”

As the night dragged on for Rafael; he found himself standing away from everyone else, just trying to relax for a moment. While he stood there, watching everyone with a drink in hand; Carisi cautiously walked over, “Hey.”

Rafael smiled a little, “Hey.”

“Can I ask you something?”

Rafael eyes darted to Olivia sitting at the table; when he saw her laughing with Fin, he sighed, “Okay.”

“It’s about the other night,” Carisi mumbled, “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay… You seem a little off ever since-“

Rafael stood there silently, staring at the man in front of him as his mind raced; _Now’s your chance. Just ask him, say the words and you’ll finally know what happened._ “I’m fine,” he muttered. _Coward._

“Are you sure?” Carisi questioned, “I didn’t hear you leave-“

“I’m fine,” Rafael repeated firmly. _You need to know, quit being stupid._

“I only bring it up because you’ve been a little distracted whenever we speak,” Carisi sighed. “I just don’t want us to stop talking again.”

“I know,” Rafael nodded, “I’m fine- We’re fine. We should get back over there, dinner’s almost ready-”

Carisi gently took hold of Rafael’s arm, “Rafael?” Carisi frowned confused.

Rafael downed the rest of his drink, “I… I need a refill. Talk later,” he muttered brushing off Carisi’s arm and walked briskly across the room.

 

After dinner they all partook in some small talk; complimenting Olivia on her choice for dinner, a joke here and there. Rafael sat quietly, watching the amber coloured liquid in his glass, as the muffled voices chattered around him. After a moment he flicked his eyes up to Olivia; a hint of jealousy hit him, _Look at the way she can pretend everything is fine_ , he rolled his eyes. _How does she do that-,_ Rafael’s thought was cut short when in the corner of his eye, he saw Carisi; all of a sudden Rafael was overwhelmed with guilt. _Why’s he even here? To mock you? To rub it in your face? This is your own doing; now lie in the bed you made,_ Rafael sighed.

“Hon?” Olivia asked as she placed a hand on Rafael’s knee.

Rafael blinked a few times before returning his gaze back to her, “What?”

“We were talking about Noah,” Olivia paused, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Rafael forced a smile, “I’m just tired. Long days lately…”

“Long days-“ Olivia stopped herself; _Now’s not the time,_ “Yeah…”

“What about Noah?” he asked.

“Carisi asked about the transition to being a dad,” Olivia replied.

_Of course he fucking did,_ Rafael thought, “Mmm,” he nodded. He turned to look at Carisi as he shrugged, “Well you know, it’s not that different. Things are a little more complicated now.” He flicked his eyes up and down the table to see who else was listening; when he saw Fin, Amanda and Olivia having their own conversation he added with a bitter undertone, “But you already know that.”

Carisi paused as he looked at Rafael, “Oookay, I’m sorry I asked.”

Rafael sighed as he picked up his drink and took a sip, “Forget about it,” he mumbled into the glass. _He’s trying to get to you_ , he thought, _Don’t let him-_

Rafael’s thought was interrupted when he heard Carisi start to say, “You know, the other night-“

A huge twinge of guilt caused Rafael’s stomach to sink, “Stop,” he growled. _Look at what he’s doing. He wants you to admit what you’ve done…_ “Enough,” he mumbled.

“What?” Olivia said confused as she flicked her eyes between Rafael and Carisi.

“Huh?” Rafael asked.

“You said enough, enough what?” she asked.

“I didn’t realise I said that,” Rafael whispered.

Olivia looked over to Carisi, “What’s going on?” she mouthed; Carisi shrugged and turned to join Fin and Amanda’s conversation. Deciding to let it go she looked down at her watch; after a moment she sighed, “Noah.”

“Yes Mommy?” Noah said as he slowly walked towards her.

Olivia twisted her body in the chair as she leaned forward, “It’s time for bed.”

“Aww,” Noah pouted, “But I wanna stay up with you and Rafi.”

“I know but its bedtime,” she smiled gently, “You and I have a big day tomorrow.”

Noah looked around the table as he said, “Can Rafi read me a story?”

“I, um,” Olivia sighed as she looked over to him; he had returned his focus to his drink. She sighed; watching him as he took a sip of his drink, _How many is that now?_ she frowned. Shaking her head she looked back at Noah and said, “I can read to you-“

“I want Rafi,” Noah mumbled.

Rafael turned his gaze slowly over to Olivia as he listened to her conversation with Noah, “Liv?”

“Please Mommy,” Noah begged as he looked at her with his big brown eyes.

Her heart melted whenever he looked at her like that, “I’ll ask him,” she sighed. Lifting her head she turned to Rafael and quietly whispered, “Noah wants you to read him a story, is that okay?”

“Of course,” Rafael nodded, “I could use a breather from all this anyway.” He slowly stood up from his chair and smiled at Noah, “Let’s go get ready for bed.”

“Okie,” Noah grinned as he ran over to Rafael. Rafael picked him up; holding him tight in his arms, Noah leaned in and wrapped his arms around Rafael’s neck, “Rafi?” he mumbled.

“Mmm,” Rafael said as he walked out of the dining room.

“Are you staying home tomorrow too?” he asked.

Rafael sighed, “No, I have something that I have to do tomorrow.”

“Like what?” Noah questioned.

“I’m bringing someone to come live with us for a while,” Rafael answered.

“Who? Is it Sofia?”

Rafael took a deep breath as he walked down the hallway; twisting his head to see Noah better he replied, “You’ll meet her tomorrow and we can talk about it then.”

Noah sighed as he leaned back in Rafael’s arms, “Okay.” As they entered Noah’s room he mumbled, “When will we get to go to the park again?”

“What are you talking about?” Rafael questioned raising an eyebrow, “You went to the park yesterday.”

“Not with you,” Noah said playing with Rafael’s collar. “You’re always working.”

“I know,” he sighed, “We can go to the park soon.”

 

Half an hour had passed when Amanda asked Olivia, “Is Rafael coming back?”

“Oh,” Olivia frowned as she looked at her watch. “I’ll see if I can go find him,” she mumbled as she got up from her chair.

As Olivia stood up both Fin and Carisi turned their attention to her, “Where are you going?” Fin asked. “Is there anything I can do to help?

Olivia smiled, “I’m just going to get Rafael… Noah’s probably got him reading three or four different stories. Noah loves it when Rafael puts him to bed.”

“Cute,” Carisi smiled.

Amanda laughed, “Tell him it’s your turn next.”

Wide-eyed Olivia blushed, “Amanda.” Leaving her friends at the table; Olivia made her way towards Noah’s room, the door was slightly ajar. She paused just outside the door but when she couldn’t hear Rafael she cautiously opened it to find Noah sound asleep in his bed and Rafael sitting in the corner of the room. “Rafael?” she whispered.

Pulled out of his train of thought Rafael very slowly turned his head towards the door, “Mmm,” he sighed.

“You’ve been in here for half an hour,” Olivia quietly said as she walked over to him. “Did it take that long to get Noah to sleep?”

Rafael thought about lying but instead he replied, “No.” He watched as Olivia neared, “He was out before I got halfway through the book,” he muttered as he showed the book in his hand.

“Why are you still in here then?” Olivia asked.

“I, um,” he mumbled. “I don’t want to go back out there.”

Olivia frowned as she knelt down in front of him, “They’re here for you.”

Rafael leaned towards her; keeping his voice low he said, “I… I don’t think I can-“

The smell of whiskey coming from him was strong, “Rafael,” she said sternly, “Get your ass out there.”

“Liv, I don’t think I can face…” he drifted off.

“Face what?” she asked.

_Myself,_ “Nothing.”

“What’s going on?” Olivia frowned, “Something’s bothering you.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he stood up, “Let’s go, everyone is probably wondering where we are;” _or at least pretending to care._

As Rafael brushed past her Olivia sighed, “They can wait, if something is bothering you, you can talk to me.”

“No,” he sighed as he paused at the door. “We should get out there.”

Olivia slowly stood up and made her way across the room towards the door, “Rafael-“

“Don’t,” he frowned turning to face her, “You want me back out there so that’s what I’m doing.”

“I don’t want you sitting in Noah’s room alone when all of our friends are out there waiting for you,” Olivia sighed. “Why’d you stay in here?”

“I was just thinking and lost track of time,” Rafael mumbled.

“That’s not good enough Rafael,” she frowned. “They’ve taken the time out to be here for you.”

“I didn’t ask for any of it,” Rafael muttered.

“It wouldn’t kill you to be in the moment for once,” Olivia sighed. “I know something’s bothering you and you won’t talk to me about it but you could at least have the decency to pretend like you care.”

“Like you?” Rafael growled, “I don’t know how you do it but boy, aren’t you good at it.”

“What are you talking about?” Olivia said.

“I watched the way you speak to them… You don’t talk to me like that do you?” he mumbled.

“What?” she frowned, “I was enjoying myself out there, you should try it.”

“Don’t,” he snarled; raising his voice. His eyes automatically shifted to Noah; he watched the boy intently as Noah began to stir, _Some father you are,_ he thought, _You better hope to God he doesn’t wake up._ When it looked like Noah wasn’t going to wake, Rafael moved his gaze back to Olivia; she was frowning as she watching Noah. “Let’s just go,” Rafael whispered as he left the room.

 

While Rafael walked down the hallway he could hear his friends laughing at some muffled joke Fin had told; when he turned into the dining room the laughter seemed to die. _They must have been talking about me…_ he frowned; _Stop you’re being ridiculous,_ he sighed, “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Aye that’s fine,” Carisi smiled, “Figured the little guy would have kept you busy.”

Rafael forced a laugh as he walked towards his seat; “Yeah…”

“How many books was it this time?” Fin laughed.

“What?” Rafael questioned, “Oh, um, actually-“

“Two books,” Olivia answered as she entered the room. As she walked further into the room she watched Rafael; he had joined the others at the table but already had his drink back in his hand. “Noah loves his stories.”

Rafael took a sip of his drink before muttering, “I was in the middle of answering.”

“I know,” Olivia sighed, “I just thought-“

“I can answer a simple question by myself,” Rafael quietly growled.

Sensing the tension between Rafael and Olivia, Fin turned to Amanda and Carisi as he started to talk about weekend plans with Ken. Meanwhile Olivia took a deep breath as she replied, “I know you can I was only trying to help-”

“I don’t need you to,” he sighed as he downed the rest of his drink.

Olivia stood at the end of the table for a moment; _Just let it go,_ she thought as she looked at her friends, _They don’t need to see this, just breathe._ Before long she asked; “Anyone want a drink?”

“No thanks,” Carisi and Fin said then turned back to their conversation.

“I wouldn’t mind some water,” Amanda nodded.

“I’ll have another whiskey,” Rafael mumbled.

Olivia paused as she looked at him, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” she whispered.

“If I’m going to make it through the rest of the night, I’m going to need another drink,” Rafael frowned.

“I just think you should slow down a little-“

“Stop,” Rafael growled. “Look, either way I’m getting another drink but since you already offered you might as well do it.”

“Okay then,” she sighed. She paused for a moment; mouth ajar, before shaking her head and turning towards the kitchen.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he turned away from Olivia and looked down the table; Amanda was watching him with a frown evident on her face. “What?” he grumbled.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Amanda said.

“Mind your own business,” Rafael growled.

“She’s my friend,” Amanda frowned, “I won’t let you talk to her that way-”

“Won’t let me,” Rafael scoffed loudly. Carisi and Fin turned their gaze to Rafael, confused. “You have no right to tell me what I can and can’t do in my own home.”

“I’m not going to stand idly by and watch you treat her like shit,” Amanda huffed.

“Oh screw you,” Rafael snarled.

“Hey man,” Fin frowned, “Calm down.”

“No,” Rafael growled, “I won’t let her talk about something she doesn’t understand.”

“Raf-“ Carisi began.

“You,” Rafael barked, _Stop, you’re making a scene,_ “You shouldn’t even be here! I didn’t want this!”

Olivia was staring at the empty bottle of whiskey when she heard the commotion; she stopped everything and rushed back to the dining room, “Rafael!” she frowned, “Stop this.”

Rafael quickly stood up from his chair; there was a tense silence as he looked down the table; after a moment he slowly said, “I think it’s time you all left. I’ve endured this long enough.”

Amanda’s eyes glanced over to Olivia who was still standing in the doorway, “Olivia?” she whispered.

Olivia took a deep breath as she looked to the floor, “I’m sorry, it’s getting late…”

“Okay,” Fin nodded as he slowly stood up from the table, “I’ll see you later.”

Both Amanda and Carisi followed Fin’s lead as they stood up from the table; Carisi sighed as he looked over to Rafael, “I hope you’re happy.”

“Leaping with joy,” Rafael growled with a clenched jaw.

As the two men cautiously walked past Rafael; Amanda made her way over to Olivia, “Are you going to be okay?” she asked quietly.

Olivia flicked her eyes over to Rafael; who was watching them intently, “It’s he who should be worried,” she mumbled, “I’ll deal with him. I’m really sorry about all of this.”

Olivia walked their guests to the door with Rafael staggering behind everyone, “I’ll see you all in a few days,” Olivia sighed.

“Bye Liv,” Fin smiled as he left.

Carisi gave Olivia a small smile as he said, “It was nice, thanks for inviting me.” He glanced over to Rafael, “Bye Barba.”

Rafael rolled his eyes; avoiding eye contact, “Yeah, whatever.”

“Rafael,” Olivia growled.

“It’s fine Liv,” Carisi reassured.

When Carisi stepped out of the doorway, Amanda walked up to Olivia and gave her a hug and whispered, “If you need me, call me.”

“I’m going to be fine,” Olivia replied, “Him… I don’t know yet.”

Amanda let out a small laugh as the hug broke, “Well either way, let me know how it goes.”

“Will do,” Olivia nodded, “Bye.”

“Cya,” Amanda smiled as she closed the door behind her.

Once the door was closed Olivia frowned as she turned to Rafael, “That was rude.”

“I don’t care,” Rafael mumbled, “I wanted them to leave.”

“They’re our friends,” she sighed, “You can’t treat people like that.”

“They’re your friends.”

“Rafael,” she huffed, “What’s gotten into you lately.”

“Nothing,” he muttered.

“You’re being an asshole to everyone,” she said.

Rafael started for the lounge room but Olivia followed, “Can you just leave me alone?”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on,” she sighed. “This was supposed to be a lovely night to celebrate the adoption and you’ve ruined it.”

“This is what you wanted, not what I wanted,” he growled, “Maybe you should have listened to me.”

“Maybe you should be more a part of this family,” Olivia remarked.

Rafael paused as he turned to face her, “What did you just say?” he snarled.

“You heard me,” she huffed. “You’re always at work or in your study. Noah and I exist too-“

“Oh just stop with this shit,” Rafael rolled his eyes; starting to turn away from her.

“No, don’t do that,” she growled; grabbing his arm, “Don’t walk away from me.”

Looking back at her he frowned, “What do you want from me?”

“I want you,” she mumbled. “I want your attention again, I need you to focus on us and our family. Right now, it feels like you don’t want to be here and if that’s the case there’s the door,” she pointed to the nearest door.

“Just stop Gloria,” Rafael growled. He stood there stunned as the words left his lips; wide-eyed, he bit the side of his bottom lip, taking a deep breath, before sighing, “Olivia… I didn’t mean…”

“I’m going for a shower,” she sighed.

Rafael stood silently as he watched the love of his life walk away from him; _Look at what you’ve done,_ his mind turning against him, _All because Carisi was here? No... It’s because you’re pathetic. Now, you have to make this right or she’ll leave you… not that you don’t deserve that._ “Stop,” he growled; running his fingers roughly through his hair. “You’re better than this.”

 

As Olivia was washing her hair she felt Rafael’s hands slowly wrap around her waist; which was shortly followed by soft kisses being cautiously placed on the back of her neck. “Raf,” she sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into her skin.

“Do I remind you of her?” Olivia mumbled as she washed out the conditioner.

His grip around her tightened gently, “No, I didn’t mean to say her name.”

“But you did,” she paused, “Rafael, be honest, do I remind you of her?”

“I am being honest,” he sighed, “You’re nothing like her. I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and the conversation we had just… it felt familiar.”

“What is it about Gloria that makes you…” she trailed off.

“Can we stop talking about her?” Rafael mumbled against Olivia’s skin.

“Raf-a,” Olivia moaned breathlessly. She closed her eyes as she lost herself in his tender kisses; as she felt herself relax against him she frowned, “Rafael, we weren’t done talking.” She tried to pull away from him but his grip tightened, “You can’t treat our friends like that and expect-“

“Come on Liv,” he muttered; his voice vibrating through her body, “Amanda pushed me-“

“No Rafael,” she sighed, “You can’t just do that.”

Rafael moved his kisses along her shoulder towards her neck as he breathlessly said, “I’m sorry.”

His voice gave Olivia goose bumps; _Do you really want to have this conversation now?_ she thought. “Rafi, I don’t think-” she mumbled as she turned to face him; the hot water running down her back.

“You wanted my attention,” he whispered, his lips teasingly touching hers. “Here it is.”

She couldn’t fight it any longer, she leaned in and kissed him; he tasted like whiskey but in this very moment, she didn’t care. As their tongues danced together Rafael placed one hand on her ass while the other slowly glided along her soft skin towards her breast. His gentle touch sent shivers down Olivia’s body, “Oh Raf,” she managed to say against his lips.

When things started to heat up Rafael pushed Olivia against the tiled wall as he started to grind against her, their bodies sliding up and down the wall. As the water was beating down on Rafael’s back, he moved his hand to her thigh, wrapping Olivia’s leg around his waist. Slowly, he started to glide his hand his hand along her thigh towards her. Rafael broke their kiss as he started to move along her jawline and down her neck; “Te amo Hermosa,” he muttered against her skin.

Olivia closed her eyes as she felt his hand move along her thigh, before long she let out a quick gasp as two fingers entered her. Rafael teased her as he slowly moved his fingers back and forth while he continued to kiss her neck. As Olivia began to lose herself in the pleasure of his touch she started to rock her hips against his hand, “Slow down,” he smirked against her as he removed his hand.

She opened her eyes as he withdrew from her, “Rafael,” she sighed, “Don’t tease me.”

“No?” he mumbled as he moved his kisses along her neck down her chest; nipping at her skin, “Are you sure?”

A breathless moan escaped her, “R-Rafael I-“ Her thought was interrupted as his fingers gently traced her entrance; “Papi please.”

“How can I ignore that,” he smirked as he entered her. His lips working their way back up her neck to her jawline.

“F-fu-“ she stuttered. Her hips resumed their rocking motion against his hand; Rafael’s own hips joined in with his thrusts as he felt himself grow even harder. As his fingers deepened inside of her she let out a deep moaned. Feeling his erection against the inside of her thigh Olivia slowly worked a hand down his chest until she had his shaft in her hand.

She started to repeat the motion he was doing to her along his shaft causing him to let out a low grunt against her; he couldn’t fight it anymore, he quickly met her lips with his. His hips started to buck against her hand as their tongues intertwined. When Olivia slowed down Rafael broke the kiss, “Wh-what’s wrong?” he said breathlessly.

Olivia leaned towards his ear as she whispered; “I want you now. No more teasing.”

“Yes Ma’am,” he smiled as he removed his fingers from her.

The lack of contact was driving her insane, “I said now.” As he slowly entered her she reached out a hand putting it against the steamed-up glass wall, “Oh g-god,” she shuddered. He nipped at her neck as he started to thrust into her, “Papi-“ she moaned.

Rafael grunted as he started to rhythmically thrust into her; his breath quickening as they moved along the wall. He gently caressed her breast as he continued nipping at her skin. As he pumped deeper inside her with each movement, Olivia’s hand slipped down the glass wall, leaving behind a smudged handprint. Rafael felt Olivia slip underneath him so he moved his hand off her breast and placed it firmly on her hip as he continued; gasping with each thrust. Olivia placed one hand on his back, nails digging into his skin, as the other slowly lowered itself till she was rubbing her clit, “Ah ah,” Rafael smirked pulling her hand away, “No you don’t.”

“Papi please,” Olivia groaned. Rafael slowed his thrusts down as he went to kiss her; she quickly grabbed a fist full of hair and pulled his head back, “I said no teasing,” she frowned.

“Okay okay,” he laughed. He didn’t pick up his pace; instead with each purposeful thrust he pushed all of him inside her, sending tremors up Olivia’s body. He leaned in and kissed her; when Olivia’s nails began to drag down his back he moaned into her mouth, “Fuck Liv.”

As her body began to overcome with pleasure, her hips started to move against him as she picked up the pace. His fingers digging into her hip, so hard it will bruise, as he tried to keep her standing, “Fuck me!” she yelled.

Rafael smiled against her lips as he felt his own pleasure overcome his control, he quickened his pace. The harder and faster he pumped into her the more they both moaned. Unable to help himself, he moved his free hand and began rubbing her clit; he felt her whole body begin to tense around him as she leaned her head back against the wall, letting out a loud moan.

Her body juddered as a feeling of ecstasy overwhelmed her; “Rafi!” she yelled as she came. As she came, Olivia ran a hand through his hair, yanking at it as her eyes rolled back when she felt his hips start to buck faster.

As Olivia pulled at his hair, making him grunt, Rafael felt her walls tighten around him with every deep thrust he made. He moved his hand away from her clit and placed it on her breast as he closed his eyes; as he caressed her he felt his own orgasm come over him. “Oh… Gah-od-“ he breathlessly managed as he came inside her. He continued with a few deep thrusts, pulling a few extra grunts from the both of them as they came down from their highs.

After a moment to catch their breaths Olivia looked at him lovingly, “I love you so much,” she smiled.

Rafael smirked as he opened his eyes, “I love you too.”

He moved away from her as he started to wash himself; after a moment to gather herself Olivia joined him and finished showering. When they stepped out of the shower Olivia asked, “Mind if I wear your shirt?”

“Of course you can,” Rafael smiled as he handed it to her, “I’m sure it looks better on you anyway.”

Her fingers lingered on his as she took hold of the shirt; his eyes met hers and she smiled, _God I love him,_ “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Right behind you,” he nodded.

 

When Olivia woke up she looked around the room and saw Rafael getting dressed, “Rafael?” she yawned.

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he sighed as he buttoned up his shirt.

Sitting up in the bed Olivia looked at the time on their alarm clock; “I didn’t think it was that late,” she mumbled.

“It’s 9,” Rafael laughed, “It’s not that late, I was trying to let you sleep in.”

“Where’s Noah?” Olivia asked.

“In his room,” Rafael smiled as he walked over to her, “He’s had breakfast and now he’s happily playing with his toys until you get up. Don’t worry, I have it all organised.”

Olivia smiled as he bent down and gave her a quick kiss; when it broke she paused, taking a deep breathe, “Rafael… I want to talk about last night.”

“What about it?” he mumbled, taking a few steps back from her.

“I wanted to talk about your behaviour-“ she began.

Rafael rolled his eyes, “I thought we were over that.”

Olivia started to get out of bed when she frowned, “No, you preyed on the intimate connection I was craving-“

“What, no,” Rafael frowned, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb,” she sighed, “It doesn’t suit you. You played me-“

“I didn’t force you,” he huffed, “You wanted to.”

“I know,” she mumbled.

“I don’t have time for this,” he growled as he started for the door. “I have to go get Sofia.”

“Don’t leave.”

He looked over his shoulder to see Olivia standing in the middle of their bedroom; still in his dress shirt from the night before, “I’m not doing this now Olivia,” Rafael sighed. “Why was last night my fault? I told you I didn’t want to do it and to top it all off the way Amanda spoke to me was ridiculous-“

“You shouldn’t have had as many drinks as you did,” Olivia mumbled.

“Excuse me?” Rafael frowned as he turned to face her. He folded his arms across his chest as he huffed, “Can’t you just have my back for once?”

“Rafael, I’ve always got your back but I’m not going to defend you when you treat our friends like shit,” Olivia sighed.

“I’m not doing this,” he mumbled, turning his head away from her.

“Look at me,” Olivia frowned, “You can’t just pick and choose moments you want to be a part of.”

Rafael snapped his head back to her; glaring, he growled, “Don’t you fucking start that shit! I’m always here!”

Olivia took a deep breath before saying, “We need to talk about last night.” _And the other night…_ “There’s something going on that you’re not telling me. You were having a great time last night then something happened.”

“Nothing happened.”

“I don’t believe that,” she sighed.

Rafael turned for the door as he muttered; “I’m not doing this now. I’ve got to pick up my daughter.”

“We’re not done here,” Olivia huffed.

“Yes we are,” Rafael said as he left the room.

Olivia stood there as she watched him disappear; she took a step forward as she started to follow him but something stopped her. The silence between them had returned; she all of a sudden felt short of breath as she fought against the tears forming in her eyes. “Get a hold of yourself,” she shuddered.

 

Rafael spent over an hour signing paperwork at the hospital; when it was finally all done, he and Sofia took the dreaded cab ride to Hudson University. After what felt like a long ride Rafael helped Sofia out of the car, “Give me a second, I’ve just got to pay,” he sighed as he closed the door after Sofia. As Rafael searched his pockets he muttered under his breath, “Shit, where did I put my wallet.”

While Rafael frantically searched his suit for his wallet Sofia started to walk onto the campus; her stomach started turned with every step she took. As Sofia crossed the sleet-covered courtyard she ran into her psychology teacher; “Hey,” he smiled, “I’ve missed you in class.”

“Mr Taylor,” Sofia said startled.

“You know to call me Sam,” he smiled.

Sofia stared at him, wide-eyed, as a shiver went up her spin, “I…” she whispered.

“I heard about your suspension,” Sam sighed. “Roberts is being ridiculous, you’re one of my brightest students-“

“I have to go,” she said, fighting tears.

“Oh,” Sam mumbled as he gently placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched. “Can’t you stay for a moment,” he smiled, “I’ve missed our little chats.” She stood there silently; her hands shaking, “I’m sure your suspension will be lifted… I can talk to President Roberts for you-“

“N-no,” she stuttered.

As Sam took a step towards her Sofia froze, “I just want the best for you-“

“SOFIA!” Rafael called out as he started jogging towards her. “There you are,” he panted, “I’ve been looking for you.” As Rafael stopped he looked at the man in front of him, “And you are?” he frowned.

“Oh I’m her teacher, Sam Taylor,” the man smiled, removing his hand from her shoulder. As he extended it towards Rafael he asked, “You are?”

Rafael looked at the hand for a moment before shaking it, “ADA Rafael Barba.”

“An ADA?” the man questioned, “Didn’t think they cared-“

“Excuse me?” Rafael frowned.

“W-we should go,” Sofia whimpered, “I-I have to be out of here by 12.”

“You’re right,” Rafael nodded.

Sam leaned in and gave Sofia a hug; “It was good seeing you,” he whispered.

As he broke the hug Sofia forced a smile, “I-I really have to go.”

Rafael watched the man as he walked away, “He seems…” he paused as he turned his gaze to Sofia. She looked pale; her mouth ajar and her hands were shaking, “What’s wrong?” Rafael rushed. “Are you okay?”

“I…” she faltered. “Let’s just go,” Sofia mumbled as she started to walk away.

Rafael frowned as he followed her, “Sofia, don’t walk away from me,” he sighed. “What’s going on?”

“I… I think… His voice,” she muttered as a tear slowly escaped.

“What?” Rafael huffed. “Stop for a second and talk to me.”

“N-no,” she said quickening her pace, “I just want to get out of here.”

Rafael took a few quick strides to catch up to her; as he neared her he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Sofia-“ he paused as he felt her flinch. Quickly removing his hand; “I…” he cautiously said, “What’s going on?”

Avoiding eye contact Sofia continued walking, “Let’s just get to my room.”

 

They walked in silence as they made their way towards Sofia’s dorm room; when they reached the door Rafael was the first to break the tension, “Sofia?” he mumbled sheepishly.

She jumped a little at the sudden voice, “Y-yes?”

“What happened when you were in the courtyard?” he asked.

“N-nothing,” she sighed, “I just ran into my teacher… which you met.”

“I’ve been doing this a while,” Rafael sighed, “He triggered something, didn’t he?”

“His voice,” Sofia mumbled quietly, “I don’t know… I thought for a second but I can’t be right. He wouldn’t.”

“Why don’t you go inside, I’ve just got to make a quick phone call then I’ll help you pack,” Rafael said.

“O-okay,” Sofia nodded.

Rafael waited until Sofia was safely in her dorm room before stepping down the hallway; he pulled his phone out of his pocket, along with a flask, and dialled Olivia’s number. While he listened to the phone ring; he unscrewed the lid and took a few swigs of whiskey; the liquid burning his throat as he swallowed.

“Rafael?” Olivia answered.

He quickly swallowed the whiskey in his mouth, “Yeah, Liv.”

“Is everything okay at Hudson?” she asked.

“Sofia,” he sighed.

“What?”

“If you’re done look at me for this,” Rafael mumbled, “I think I just found an actual suspect.”

“Raf,” she sighed, “I never thought you did this-“

“Mhmm,” he interrupted, “Look, the way she reacted when we met one of her teachers… I’ve been doing this long enough to recognise the signs.”

“Okay,” Olivia replied, “What’s his name and I’ll have Carisi look into him.”

“Anyone other than Carisi available?” Rafael asked.

“What’s wrong with Carisi?” Olivia asked, “I thought you two were good.”

“We are,” he grumbled, “I just… It doesn’t matter; the guy’s name is Sam Taylor. Just make sure someone questions him.”

“I will,” she sighed, “Are you two almost done there?”

“Starting to pack now,” he replied, “Be home soon.”

“Okay.”

After a moment of awkward silence Rafael sighed, “Look, I gotta go-“

“Rafael,” she interrupted, “This morning-“

“Not now,” he growled.

“I love you-“

“Yeah…” Rafael groaned as he rolled his eyes. “Love you too.” He quickly ended the phone call before she could say anything else; as he put the phone in his pocket he took one last swig of his whiskey before putting that away too. Not long after he was walking into Sofia’s room.

 

As Rafael looked around Sofia’s half of the dorm room; he couldn’t help but laugh a little at how organised she was. “This is more organised than my office,” he smirked as he walked towards her dresser. As he listened to Sofia laugh quietly he picked up a bear off the dresser, “Cute bear,” he admired, “Boyfriend give it to you or something?” Sofia paused as she turned to him; his eyes left the bear when the room fell into a silence, “Sorry,” he sighed. “I was only trying to make conversation. I know I missed a lot so I just thought… Never mind.”

“I don’t mind the questions,” Sofia reassured, “But, um, do you really not recognise him?”

“What do you mean?” Rafael questioned as he looked down at the bear.

Sofia sighed, “You gave him to me.”

“Oh,” he said surprised, “When?”

“The day you left.”

Rafael slowly shifted his gaze back to Sofia as he thought back; after a shared moment of silence he sighed, “I remember that… Why’d you keep it all these years if you hated me?”

“It was just a reminder,” Sofia mumbled.

“For what?”

“That I’m still stronger than I think I am… no matter who leaves,” she sighed.

“You know, you’re a lot like you’re mother,” Rafael said fondly.

“I’ve been told,” Sofia smiled, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Good, be proud who are,” Rafael smiled. “Now, we should get packing, it’s almost 12.”

“Yeah, I don’t have much so it won’t take long,” she nodded, “Can you do box my shelves and books please?”

Rafael picked up a box as he said, “Of course.”

 

Fifteen minutes after they started packing Rafael was rummaging through a few shelves before accidentally knocking down a small box. When it hit the ground it opened, scattering all of the photos it was holding. “Sorry,” Rafael sighed as he bent down to pick them up. When he realised they were her childhood photos he asked, “Mind if I take a look?”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Sofia nodded before returning to her focus back to her drawers.

Rafael smiled when he saw a photo of Sofia standing in her prom dress, “Did you have a good night at prom?” he asked, “Your dress looks stunning.”

“I did,” Sofia smiled as she emptied the contents of a drawer haphazardly into the box. “Mom worked a lot so that we could afford that dress, I tried to convince her that I was okay with something else but she knew how much I wanted it. I’ll never forget what she did for me.”

“You could have used the money I sent you,” Rafael replied.

“No,” Sofia sighed, “I made a promise to myself that I was never going to touch your money.”

“Okay,” he nodded, as he flicked to the next photo. “Wait,” he frowned as he looked at the photo; it was a bunch of pillows and blankets built up like a fort with two small faces hiding behind, “Is this-” he squinted as he pulled the photo closer, “This is us.”

“Um,” Sofia questioned, “Bunch of pillows?”

“Yeah,” Rafael replied.

“Then yes,” she answered as she continued to pack. “I remember you used to come home after work and build forts with me,” she smiled a little. “We’d play for hours, you were my king and I was your princess… You pretended to promise me the world-“

“I never pretended,” Rafael whispered. “I would have given you the world and everything in it… I still would.”

As Rafael moved to the next photo he paused; it was Gloria, she was lying in what appeared to be a dingy hospital bed. Her skin was grey-coloured, her eyes sunken, IV cords hanging off her bone thin arms along with other medical machines scattered in the background. Noticing that Rafael went silent, Sofia looked up from her packed box to find him running his thumb gently across the photo; she didn’t need to see it to know what it was.

After a moment Sofia sighed, “That was taken a few weeks before she passed.”

Rafael watched as his thumb ran down the side of Gloria’s face before mumbling, “I-I didn’t realise how sick she was.” Tearing his gaze away from the photo he looked at Sofia; his eyes burning as he fought against the tears, “W-What was she like i-in the end?” he faltered.

Sofia saw the pain in his green eyes as they watered, “Do you want the truth?”

He stood there, still, for what seemed like forever until he finally managed a quick nod, “P-please.”

“She was in a lot pain,” Sofia sighed, “Some days it got so bad all she could do was scream. Other days weren’t so bad and she’d be sitting up having a laugh as if none of this was happening.”

“I’m so sorry you had to do that alone-“

“I wasn’t alone,” Sofia interrupted, “I had Abuelo and he was there for me every step of the way… Right up until she slipped into a coma and passed.”

“I-“ Rafael sniffled, his gaze returning back to the photo.

“I can talk about it without crying now but it took me a very long time to get where I am,” Sofia said as she walked over to him.

A lone tear rolled down Rafael’s cheek, “I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” he croaked, barely audible.

Sofia placed a gentle hand on his shoulder as she said; “I can take you to her one day… She missed you.”

Rafael closed his eyes as he took a shuddering breath; “I’d like that. Thank you.” After a moment he opened his eyes and cleared his throat, “Almost packed?”

“Yeah,” Sofia nodded, “Just have to put those photo’s and a few books away then I’m done. The rest I can leave here for my roommate to use.”

“Okay,” he said handing her the pile of photos, “I-I’m just going to, um… I’ll be back. Don’t leave the room, please.”

“Alright,” Sofia sighed as she watched him walk out of her dorm.

As he rounded a corner out from sight, he dug through his suit jacket, hands shaking, in search for his flask. _Pull yourself together,_ he frowned as he pulled the bottle out; a moment later he unscrewed the lid and took a large swig. He relished the feeling he got as the whiskey passed his lips; as he finished what was left he sighed, “This is going to be harder than you thought.” After taking a few seconds to take a badly needed deep breath he slowly started his way towards Sofia’s room to find her sitting on her bed waiting patiently for him, “I’m sorry about that,” he mumbled.

“It’s not too late to tell me you don’t want me around-“ Sofia began, fiddling with her thumbs.

“Hey,” Rafael smiled as he walked over to her, “I want you to live with us. I want to be here for you now, every step of the way if you’ll let me.”

Sofia looked up from her hands to find Rafael kneeling just in front of her, “Are you sure? I just want to make sure that this is what you want because…” she trailed off as her eyes looked to the floor, “Because I don’t want to watch you walk away again.”

Rafael leaned forward as he took hold of her hands; he waited until she looked at him before saying, “Sofia, I’m not who I was. There hasn’t been a day since you were born that you didn’t cross my mind. I’m not going anywhere.”

As he spoke she could smell the whiskey coming from him but she didn’t care; instead she got off the bed and hugged him tightly, “I’ve missed you.”

When the hug broke Rafael smiled gently as he picked up a box, “Now, Olivia’s probably wondering where we are so we better get going.”

 

Shortly after they arrived at Rafael’s home they got out of the cab; “What was Mom like before you left?” Sofia casually asked as she went to get her things from the back seat.

“Let me,” Rafael said reaching for the boxes.

“Alright, but can you answer my question?”

“You remember me back then,” Rafael sighed as he took her bags, “Surely you remember her.”

“I remember how _I_ see her,” she shrugged, “The way you looked at her photo… It was different to the way you talk about her. I just want to know what you think of her and what really happened between you two.”

Rafael started towards the front door; “I… No,” he mumbled. “I’ve told you about her already.”

“No you didn’t,” she frowned. “You told me what you thought I wanted to hear.”

“Can’t that be enough?” he shrugged.

“Rafael,” she said; making his heart sink, “Can’t you just be honest with me… You owe me that much.”

“Owe you?” he frowned; slightly agitated, “That’s not-“

“Fair?” she interrupted, “Neither is growing up without you.”

“Sofia,” he grumbled, “My opinion of Gloria doesn’t matter anymore… All you need to know is she was there when I wasn’t and anything that happened before that doesn’t matter.”

“I want to know what happened to make you leave,” Sofia mumbled.

“Stop pushing.”

“No,” she frowned. “I think I finally deserve to know why you left. It took me years to get over the thought it was my fault.“

“Don’t guilt me,” Rafael curled his lip; trying to stay calm.

Sofia watched as Rafael started to unlock the door, “Just quit hiding things from me.”

As he opened the door Rafael began, “Sofia I need you to-“

“RAFI!” Noah ran down the hall excited. Before he could get through the door Rafael was being bombarded; “Rafi! Yay you’re home; I missed you! Where were you? Who’s she? Want to go to the park-“

“Noah! Back off!” Rafael snapped as he walked through the door.

“Rafael!” Olivia huffed, catching his gaze.

Rafael blinked a few times then looked down to the little boy standing before him. Noah was fighting against the tears that threatened to roll down his face. Sighing, Rafael put the boxes down as he knelt, “I’m sorry Noah.” He held his arms out, “Come here.” Before Rafael could grab him Noah ran to his room, sniffling. “Shit,” Rafael muttered under his breath, running his hand through his hair.

“I’ll go get him-“ Olivia began.

“No,” Rafael sighed as he stood up, “I’ll do it.”

As Rafael left the room Sofia quietly said, “Is he always like that to him?”

“No, he’s never snapped at Noah before,” Olivia sighed, shaking her head. “How about we get you set up in your room?”

Sofia nodded shyly, “Thank you for doing this.”

“It’s not a problem,” she smiled, gesturing Sofia to follow her into the spare room.

 

“Noah?” Rafael whispered as he gently knocked on the door. Looking around the room he couldn’t see the little boy, “Noah where are you? I saw you come in here.” Noah didn’t answer; instead Rafael heard a quiet whimper coming from the other side of the bed. Rafael sighed as he walked around the bed; the sight of Noah broke his heart, Noah was wrapped up in his favourite blanket in the corner, tears rolling down his face. Rafael knelt down slowly next to him, “I’m sorry I-“ he paused; watching Noah flinch away from him. “I didn’t mean it,” Rafael whispered.

“Y-You d-don’t love m-me anym-more,” Noah sobbed.

Rafael felt his stomach drop, “Why would you think that?”

“Be-be-be-cause,” Noah cried; unable to speak.

“Shhh,” Rafael soothed, sitting down as he pulled Noah into a tight hug. Noah wrapped his arms around Rafael, his cries becoming louder. “Take a breath,” Rafael whispered, rocking gently. Rafael felt Noah take a shuddering breath as he buried his face into Rafael’s chest.

As the crying started to quieten Noah mumbled, “D-don’t leave, p-please.”

“Leave?” Rafael questioned, “Who said I was leaving?”

“Mommy said you-“

“How’s my little boy doing?” Olivia interrupted.

Rafael looked up to find Olivia standing in the doorway, “How long have you been there?”

“Long enough,” Olivia sighed as she walked towards them.

“Mommy!” Noah sniffled. He wriggled his way out of Rafael’s arms and ran towards her.

Olivia picked him up as she asked, “Do you want to watch some TV for a little while?” Noah nodded sheepishly as he hugged her tightly; “Okay,” she smiled kindly as she turned to face the door. “What do you want to watch?” she added; leaving the room.

Rafael stayed on the floor as he watched them disappear down the hallway; once they were gone from view he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to himself; fighting his own tears. He lost track of time as he sat there against the wall immersed in his own guilt until he heard quiet footsteps coming back down the hallway. He slowly opened his eyes to find Olivia standing in the doorway.

“You’ve been in here for ten minutes,” Olivia sighed, “Are you gonna come out?”

Rafael took a deep breath, “Yeah,” he mumbled.

Olivia watched him as he slowly got off the floor, “Rafael I-“

“Don’t bother,” he sighed, “I get it… Maybe I’m not supposed to be a father.” As Rafael stood up completely he muttered, “I’m no good at it anyway.”

Olivia’s heart dropped, “Rafi, don’t do that,” she sighed; watching him walk towards her.

Rafael shook his head as he brushed past her, “I’m gonna have a shower-“

“You can’t,” she interrupted; following him down the hallway.

“Why?”

“Sofia’s having one,” she answered. “Why don’t you come out and watch TV with us?”

“Maybe later,” he mumbled. He paused in front of their bedroom, “I’m going to get changed, then… I don’t know.” He closed the door behind him before Olivia could enter. He undid his tie; dropping it on the floor as he made his way to the bed. He stopped at the foot of the bed as he took his jacket off; tossing it across the mattress, he then started to undo his shirt when he heard the door creak open.

“Rafael, can we talk?” Olivia cautiously asked.

He turned to face her; she looked worried, “Noah seems to think I don’t love him anymore,” he sighed, “Have you said something to him?”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Olivia frowned, entering the room.

“I just… Why would he think that?”

Olivia sighed, “Because you don’t come home and when you do you go straight to bed or the study.”

“I’ve just been working a lot lately,” Rafael defended.

“At the bottom of a bottle?” Olivia mumbled.

“Excuse me?”

“You smell of alcohol every time you walk through that door Rafael,” she paused, “Don’t think I didn’t notice… It’s been going on for a while now.”

“So what,” Rafael rolled his eyes, “I have a few drinks here and there… That’s not what we’re talking about.”

“Maybe we should,” Olivia sighed, “You didn’t come home the other night and you won’t tell me where you were.”

“I did,” Rafael sighed, “I was working.”

“With Carisi,” Olivia nodded, “Where’d you go after that?”

“We can talk about it later,” he frowned, “Right now, I want to know why Noah thinks I’m leaving or more importantly why I don’t love him… What are you telling him?”

“Don’t accuse me-“

“Tell me Olivia!”

She sighed, “He must have overheard a conversation I had with Amanda on the phone.”

Rafael was taken back, “Y-you what? What are you saying to her?”

“That it feels like you’re getting ready to leave,” she whispered. “You’ve been distant and secretive; it’s gotten worse in the last few days. You’re hiding something-“

“I’m not-“

“Yes you are! It’s so bad that even Noah’s noticed,” she paused when she saw Rafael look away from her. She shook her head “Noah blames himself-“

“No,” Rafael snapped his gaze back to her. “No, he can’t think that.. Tell me that’s not true.”

Olivia nodded, “He thinks you’d rather stay at work than be with him.”

Rafael closed his eyes; sighing, “He can’t believe that.” Opening his eyes he started for the door, “I’ve gotta talk to him-“

“No Rafael,” she mumbled. “We’re not done talking.”

He paused a few steps away from her, “I didn’t know he thought that,” he whispered under his breath.

“He’s not the only one,” she sighed. “I feel like your hiding something and it’s only started when Sofia came back into your life-“

“Don’t blame Sofia!” he huffed. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“Then tell me about the other night.”

He sighed, “I was with Carisi.”

“The whole night?” she frowned; sounding sceptical.

He hesitated, “Yeah…”

“Surely Carisi didn’t spend the whole night in your office.”

“He didn’t…” Rafael mumbled, “Neither did I.”

Confused she asked, “What’s going on?”

He took a deep breath, “I told you I was drunk so I don’t remember what happened… All I remember is drinking in my office with Carisi then waking up the next morning.”

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” she sighed.

His heart started beating fast against his chest; hands beginning to sweat, “I…” he began; breathing laboured.

“Please just talk to me,” she said, calmly. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to deal with it alone.”

Rafael shook his head, “I honestly don’t remember and I’ve been meaning to ask Carisi what he knows for the last few days but…”

“But?” she asked.

“I chicken out every time I see him because _what if_ ,” he sighed.

“What if what?” she frowned, confused.

“Liv,” he glumly said. As he looked at her his guilt and sorrow overwhelmed him, “I woke up in his bed… I’m worried I slept with him.”

Olivia was in shock; she slowly brought her hand up to her mouth, “You _what!_ ” she said in disbelief.

Rafael started to walk closer to her, “I’m sorry, I know what it feels like and I honestly I never wanted to do anything like this-“

Olivia’s mind was spinning; she felt betrayed and angry, tears burning in her eyes. She could see him walking towards her, his words jumbling with her own thoughts; _I wish he would shut up!_ As he neared her she brought her hand up and slapped him, hard, across the face.

He stood there frozen; jaw clenched, the side of his face starting to sting. He watched her closely as she stared at him; the pain obvious in her eyes, “Liv?” he whispered, finally finding his voice.

Drawn out of the haze she mumbled, “I want you out of my house.”

“Liv please,” he pleaded, “Don’t do this.”

A tear rolled slowly down her cheek, “I need you to leave.”

Rafael sighed, “What about Sofia?”

“She can stay, she’s safe here but I can’t have you here right now,” she said sounding distant to herself. She turned her gaze away from him as she mumbled; “I-I can’t look at you right now.”

“Okay,” Rafael nodded. “I’m so sorry-“

“I don’t want to hear it.”

He turned away from her; collecting his jacket off the bed and threw it over his arm. He started to do up his shirt; “’Liv,” he began as he turned to face her but she was gone. Sighing, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom and started for the door.

As he walked past the living room Rafael heard a muffled voice, “Rafi?”

He looked over to find Noah sitting on the lounge watching him; a red handprint evident on the side of his face, “I…” he froze when he saw Olivia and Sofia. Ashamed and lost for words Rafael turned for the door and left.

 

“Mommy?” Noah sniffled, “Where’s Rafi going?”

She quickly wiped away a tear that had fallen, “He’s…” she faltered, “He’s going to work.”

Sofia placed a comforting hand on Olivia’s shoulder, “Are you okay?”

Olivia nodded as she pulled her phone from her pocket, “I’m fine. It’s… nothing,” she forced a smile.

“What did he do?” Sofia asked quietly.

Olivia sighed, “It’s not him… work has just been stressful.”

“You don’t need to lie to me,” Sofia comforted, “I know what he can be like.”

“No you don’t,” Olivia shook her head. “He’s a good man.”

Sofia sighed, “You’re right, I wouldn’t know but from what I’ve seen…”

“Don’t judge him,” Olivia mumbled as she started writing a text: _Carisi, I need you to come to my place as soon as you can… We need to talk_ – Benson.

Shortly after she received a message back: _Sure… I can be there in 20 –_ Carisi.

“Is there anything I can do?” Sofia asked.

“Actually,” Olivia nodded, “I have a colleague coming over soon and I was wondering if you would be able to watch Noah when he shows up.”

“Sure,” Sofia smiled, “He’s adorable.”

 

Half an hour later there was a knock on the door, “Hey ‘Liv, it’s Carisi.”

Getting off the lounge she made her way towards the door; as she opened it she smiled, feeling weary, “Come in.”

“Are you okay?” he asked as he entered.

“No,” she sighed, “We need to talk.” Carisi nodded as he walked further into her home; Olivia followed closely, “Sofia, are you sure you’re going to be okay with Noah?”

Sofia smiled, “Of course.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “We’ll be in the study if you need me.”

Olivia gestured Carisi to follow her as she walked towards the study; once inside Carisi asked, “What’s going on?”

“Close the door,” Olivia frowned. She watched as he did so, “I want you to be completely honest with me.”

“Yeah of course,” he said confused.

“I need to know if you slept with Rafael,” she mumbled.

Carisi looked surprised, “He told you?”

“So it’s true,” she sighed closing her eyes, “You know we’re engaged, how could you? I thought we were friends.”

“What?” he frowned, “Olivia what are you talking about?”

“The other night,” she muttered.

“The other night?” he repeated, “Nothing happened.”

Opening her eyes she looked at Carisi, “Nothing? Then why was he in your bed?”

“I can explain that,” Carisi smiled, “He was drinking pretty heavily… Hell he out drank me by a mile and you and I both know he would have kept drinking if I had left him alone. So, I convinced him to come back to mine.”

“Why not bring him home?”

Carisi laughed a little, “He was worried he’d wake you or Noah and you’d be mad.”

“Oh,” Olivia said relieved.

“Honestly ‘Liv, even blind drunk he’s still madly in love with you, so much so he wouldn’t stop talking about you,” he paused, “I wish to find someone who looks at me the way he looks at you.”

“That’s really sweet,” she smiled. After a moment of thought she added, “Wait, why were you two in bed together then?”

Carisi chuckled, “He was lonely, he just wanted to talk to someone until he fell asleep. I was meant to move to the lounge but I fell asleep before I did.”

“You have no idea how relieved I am,” she said. “He doesn’t remember so he assumed the worst of himself.”

“’Liv, you and I both know he’s not that type of person, especially after-“ he was interrupted when his phone rang. As he searched his pockets he continued, “Gloria really fucked him up and he’s trying to put himself out there again with you. Don’t think he doesn’t care.”

Olivia watched as Carisi pulled his phone out, “He told you about them?”

Carisi read Rafael’s name on his phone and decided not to answer; “He did… I don’t think he told me everything and I wouldn’t expect him to but I think he felt like he had to justify himself. Especially with what Stabler’s accusing him of.”

Olivia leaned against the desk as she said; “Elliot’s been causing a lot of issues since he got back but I’m glad Rafael’s talking to you about it.”

“Yeah,” Carisi nodded, “As you said a few days ago, he could use a couple friends right about now and I tend to agree.”

“I just wish he’d realise he’s not alone,” Olivia muttered to herself. As the room fell into silence Olivia thought for a moment before saying, “I have one more question.”

“Sure,” he replied.

“Do you think the others noticed?” she sighed.

“Noticed what?” he questioned, “His drinking?”

“Last night,” Olivia nodded.

“I think everyone noticed last night, it was pretty hard to miss,” Carisi mumbled, “But I don’t think the others have noticed this wasn’t the first time… am I right?”

Olivia nodded, “I know he’s dealing with a lot right now but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.”

“It’s bad isn’t it?” he sighed.

Olivia took a deep breath as she shrugged, “I don’t know what to do, I’m worried he’s going to become dependant on alcohol if he’s not already.”

“Maybe Rollins can talk to him,” he suggested, “She might be able to help because of her experiences.”

“Does she know?”

“I doubt it, he barely talks to any of us,” Carisi sighed, “If he’s not with you, he’s either locked himself away in his office or he’s with Sofia.”

Olivia shook her head as she thought; _he’s spiralling,_ “Do you think he feels like drinking is his only option?”

“I don’t know what he’s said to you about everything that’s going on, I assume you know a lot more than anyone else,” Carisi hesitated, “But I have noticed when he’s not with you he’s one step closer to a drink.”

Olivia took a deep breath, “To be honest, it’s no different at home… when he does come home.”

“Oh?” Carisi frowned; confused.

Olivia nodded as he walked over to the door; she opened it a little, pausing as she looked out. Not seeing anyone she whispered, “And I think having Sofia here isn’t helping.”

“But I thought you were okay with it,” he shrugged.

“I am,” she replied closing the door again. As she turned to Carisi she added, “But… She’s putting a lot of strain on Rafael so much so that he sna…” Olivia stopped herself; after some thought she sighed, “Well he’s not himself.”

“Have you spoken to him about her?”

“How can I?” she frowned. “This is his chance to be with her again-“

“Maybe,” he interrupted, “But if it’s destroying him, is it worth it?”

“To him it is but I don’t think he see’s what she’s doing to him,” Olivia mumbled.

“Maybe just give him some time to adjust,” Carisi suggested, “I mean we didn’t know about Sofia until recently and now he’s been pushed into a situation that he probably gave up on years ago.”

“I know,” she sighed, “I just… I have this bad feeling that wont go away.”

“All we can do right now is keep an eye on him,” he shrugged.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “Anyway, do you want something to drink? I can get you something and then we can talk about this Sam Taylor guy.”

“A glass of water would be great,” Carisi smiled.

“Okay, I’ll get that while I check on the kids,” Olivia nodded.

 

Hours later there was a quiet knock on the door, “Hello?” Olivia asked as she walked towards it. Looking out the peephole she saw Rafael standing off to the side; sighing, she unlocked the door, “Rafael?”

He looked up from the floor, “I know you don’t want to see me but can I come in?”

She nodded as she stood out of the doorway, “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” he said looking at her with his big green eyes. “I’ll just grab some clothes and I’ll get out of your way.”

“Raf-”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” he mumbled as he staggered towards the bedroom. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

As he walked past, her nose filled with the smell of bourbon; following him she said, “You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?”

“Do you blame me?” he muttered. “I’ve just screwed up my second chance at happiness.”

Olivia felt her heart drop, “Raf-“

“You can keep the ring,” he sighed. “I’ll be out of your hair soon.”

“Rafael,” she said quietly.

Rafael didn’t turn to face her; trying to hide the tears in his eyes, “I… I’m sorry,” he faltered.

“Please-“ she began.

“Can Sofia stay here?” he interrupted. “At least just for a few days until I find somewhere other than my office to sleep.”

“Can you stop and listen to me?” Olivia sighed.

Rafael turned his head slightly as he continued to stumble down the hallway, “I want you to know I’m not this guy ‘Liv. I would never have done anything if I knew what I was doing.”

“You didn’t do anything,” she said.

“What?”

Nearing the bedroom Olivia asked, “Have you spoken to Carisi?”

“No,” he frowned. “Not from a lack of trying though. I called him earlier.”

“He probably didn’t pick up because he was here,” she said.

Pausing in front of the bedroom door he turned to her, “He was what?”

“He was here,” she repeated; “We’ll talk in there,” she gestured to the bedroom.

He nodded as he entered the room, “Why was he here?”

Closing the door quietly behind herself she answered, “I needed answers and I couldn’t wait until you found out… if you were going to.”

“That’s fair,” he sighed. “What did he say?”

She smiled a little, “I honestly wish you asked him before it got to this point.”

Rafael felt his stomach twisting in knots as he asked, “What happened?”

“Nothing happened… If anything you talked Carisi’s ear off about me,” she replied. “But why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I wanted to be sure of what I did before I told you,” he answered.

“No,” she shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re-“

“Bisexual?” Rafael questioned, “How could I? We never spoke about our ex’s, especially mine and by the time I proposed it was a lot harder to just come out and say ‘Hey, I’ve slept with men.’ I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how you would take it and I didn’t want you to end up thinking that I was just using you for political gain because that’s not what this is. This means everything to me and I never wanted to jeopardise that.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that,” she reassured.

“Does knowing,” he paused, “Does it change anything for you?”

“Hon,” she smiled, “I love you and I will always love you. This… This doesn’t matter to me.”

“You honestly have no idea how relieved I am,” he smiled as he quickly pulled her into a hug, “I love you.”

She felt his deep breaths under her arms; “Can I ask you something?” Olivia said.

“Of course.”

“Why’d you snap at Noah earlier?” she sighed, “You’ve never done that before.”

“Work,” he mumbled as he stepped out of the hug, “It’s been stressful.”

Olivia shook her head, “I need you to start being honest with me before I confront you about it,” Olivia frowned.

“Who said I’m not?”

“Even on the really bad cases you’ve never snapped at him,” she replied. “Was it because of Sofia?”

Taking a deep breath he answered, “I just… I got flustered for a moment and Noah unfortunately happened to be there when it was too much.”

“Why’d you get flustered?”

“Olivia,” he muttered as he sat on the edge of the bed, “Please don’t…”

“You don’t need to hide everything,” she comforted, “I am here. Let me carry some of the weight.”

“It’s not your weight to carry,” he mumbled.

“Rafael,” she sighed, “You once said this ring was suppose to mean something-“

“Are you really throwing that back in my face?”

“I’m saying it to remind you that you’re not alone anymore,” Olivia replied calmly. “We are a family.”

“Olivia,” he whispered.

“I know it’s hard for you right now with everything that’s going on but I can’t have you snapping at Noah like that,” she stated.

Rafael hesitated, “She asked about Gloria.”

“Oh?” she said confused, “I thought she knew her.”

He ran his fingers through his hair as he said, “She does… Sofia wants to know what Gloria did to make me leave… I… I can’t do that to her. She remembers her as a loving mother and I’m sure she was after I left.”

“Rafi-“

“Gloria was there when I wasn’t and I don’t want to be responsible for changing Sofia’s view on her,” he sighed.

“But it could change her view on you,” Olivia said.

“I’m not worth it,” he mumbled. “I don’t know what she thinks of me now that she saw me behave that way, especially towards Noah. I’ll bet she’s relieved she dodged a bullet.”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Olivia sighed, “You’re a good man-“

“Right,” he said sarcastically. “A good man that abandoned one child and frightened the other.”

“No one’s perfect,” she replied calmly.

“Maybe not but Gloria was a fucking drug addict and she was still there for Sofia. I can’t ruin her memory of her mother… I don’t even deserve to be here now,” he sighed lowering his head.

“You’re not thinking of-“

“No,” Rafael shook his head, “I’m here to stay. I don’t deserve it but I’ll take it. I’m not walking away again.”

“Will you ever tell her?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I mean how can I? It’s easier to deal with her perception of me as it is now than to be the one who tells her Gloria broke my heart and almost killed our only daughter. Let’s face it, it’s not all Gloria’s fault, even now I can’t get it right…“

Olivia knelt down in front of him; she placed a hand gently on his knee. As he looked at her she saw the tears in his eyes; feeling his pain she said, “I’ve never seen you doubt yourself so much.”

“I…” he faltered as the tears began to fall. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” he sniffled as he brought his hands to his face and began to cry.

She moved quickly from the floor to the bed; now sitting next to him, she wrapped her arms around him, “It’s okay-“

“Everything I do… I just,” he mumbled as he twisted his body to hug Olivia, tightly. “I screw it up... It’s too much to bare, I can’t do it anymore.”

Olivia ran her hand along his back as she comforted him, “You haven’t screwed up anything-“

“I almost screwed this up Liv,” he sniffled, “This is the last thing I want to ruin.”

“You haven’t,” she reassured.

As Rafael pulled himself out of her embrace he sat quietly on the edge of the bed; wiping away his tears, “You mean so much to me. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and that includes Gloria.”

They sat in silence for a while as Rafael slowly gathered himself; when his sniffles had subsided Olivia broke the silence, “I, uh,” she hesitated, “I think I should tell you something about Elliot and-“

“I’m so fucking sorry ‘Liv,” Rafael mumbled; lost in his own world. “I’m such a disgrace.”

“No you’re not,” Olivia sighed.

Not hearing her he continued, “I know exactly how this feels and I’m so disappointed in myself for making you go through it… When you told me Elliot had kissed you a few months ago, I was devastated. I could never forgive myself for this.”

Olivia sat still as she watched Rafael start to get into the bed, “You didn’t do anything.”

“Doesn’t excuse anything,” he mumbled. As he laid in bed; watching Olivia get in next to him he muttered, “Wait, was there something you were going to say?”

Once she was in the bed she turned on her side to face him; “Its… It’s nothing,” she sighed.

“Are you sure?” he questioned, “I thought I heard you say something about Elliot.”

She gave him a reassuring smile, “It’s honestly nothing.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty full on... I hope you enjoy it......

 Rafael slowly woke up the next morning; as the light from the mid-morning sun hit his eyes he turned his head towards Olivia’s side of the bed. As his eyes began to get more focused he noticed she was gone; assuming she had gone to work, Rafael rolled his eyes as he slowly sat up. While he sat there he brought his hand to his pounding head, closing his eyes he let out a small groan.

Before long Olivia had opened the door, “Oh,” she said surprised, “You’re up.”

Rafael frowned as he opened his eyes to look at her, “You’re still here?”

Olivia smiled as she walked closer to him, “Of course, someone’s gotta look after your hangover.”

As she approached him Rafael saw the glass filled with something green, “What’s that?”

“It’s better not to ask,” Olivia laughed as she handed it to him, “Just drink it.” Rafael started to bring the glass to his nose, “I wouldn’t smell it,” Olivia shrugged, “Drink as much as you can at once.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow as he looked at the green liquid in his glass, “You’re not trying to kill me are you?” he laughed.

“It’s a lot of hard work to kill a prosecutor,” Olivia quipped.

Rafael chuckled as he brought the glass to his lips; “Wish me luck,” he mumbled as he started to chug the contents. He got halfway before he stopped, “Oh God,” he grumbled, “This is disgusting.”

Olivia laughed, “Yeah, but it’s good for you.”

“I think I’ll just stick with my morning coffee,” he said as he handed the glass back to her.

“Coffees,” Olivia corrected as she watched him get out of bed.

Rafael let out a small laugh, “Yeah, you got me there.” The room fell into silence as he made his way around the bed towards her, “Liv,” he mumbled as he reached her.

“I know,” she nodded.

“We can’t ignore yesterday,” he sighed. “I almost fucked up the best thing in my life,” Rafael paused as he looked at the floor, “I love you Olivia but the thought of losing you…”

She placed a hand on his arm, “Rafael, I’m not going anywhere,” she comforted.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered as he lovingly looked at her. “I never wanted any of this to happen. I should have been open with you about Carisi years go.”

“You are now,” she sighed, “That’s what matters.”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “Yesterday-“

“Sofia thinks yesterday was a normal day for you,” Olivia interrupted.

“What?”

“You and I both know it’s not,” she continued, “But she asked me what happened after you left-“

“What did you say?” Rafael asked cautiously.

“I told her it was all work related, she doesn’t know what happened,” she replied.

“You didn’t have to cover for me,” he sighed. “I appreciate it but I know I hurt you yesterday and for you to still try to help me with Sofia… I’m honestly lost for words.”

“I don’t know if it did you any good though,” Olivia mumbled. “She… she saw me tear up and assumed it was because of you.”

“Well she’s not wrong,” Rafael replied.

“I think she needs to know why you left because someone somewhere has led her to believe the worst about you,” she paused, “And I think its time you find out what exactly has been said.”

“I know,” he nodded, “But it was hard enough telling you what happened, I don’t think I’m strong enough to look her in the eyes and tell her everything.”

“I understand that this is something you don’t want to do and I wouldn’t push for it to happen I didn’t think it was important,” Olivia sighed.

“I know,” he mumbled, “It was just wishful thinking that I could just avoid this.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia comforted.

Rafael took a deep breath as he asked, “Where is she?”

“Watching TV in the living room,” Olivia replied.

“And Noah?”

“With Lucy,” Olivia said. “Are you going to do it now?”

“Might as well,” he nodded, “I’ll just get dressed and grab something from my office then I’ll be out there.”

“Okay,” she said, “Well did you want the rest of this?”

Rafael smiled a little as he looked at the glass, “No, you can keep that.”

“It helps,” Olivia sighed.

“So does aspirin,” he shrugged.

“Have you-“ Olivia hesitated, “Never mind.”

“No what is it?” he asked.

Olivia started for the door; “Don’t worry.”

Rafael watched her as she reached the doorway, “No, Liv, please. What were you going to say?”

Olivia took a deep breath as she turned to face him, “Have you considered slowing down?”

“With?”

“Your drinking,” she sighed.

“Oh,” he sighed, “I don’t think I drink a lot Liv. I don’t have a problem, sure I’ll have a few drinks here and there but that’s nothing.”

“You woke up with another hangover,” Olivia said.

“Yeah well, I’m sure you can understand why I drank last night,” he mumbled. “Is my occasional drinking bothering you?”

Olivia paused as she thought, _How am I supposed to answer that?_ “It um-“ she stuttered. “Does it bother you?”

“No,” he shrugged, “I don’t have a problem Liv. I can stop if I wanted to.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she started out the door.

“Wait,” he frowned, “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, “It feels like you’ve been drinking a lot more lately but that could just be circumstance.”

“Ookay,” he said confused.

“Maybe think about slowing down for a while,” she sighed.

Rafael took a deep breath; _She thinks you have a problem but she won’t admit it,_ he thought. “I’ll slow down,” he nodded, “If that would make you feel more comfortable.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.

 

Rafael watched Olivia leave before quickly getting dressed into a navy blue pinstriped suit with a white dress shirt. He was tying his tie as he left the bedroom; he quietly made his way down the hallway towards his study when Olivia saw him, “What are you doing?”

Rafael turned to face her as he tightened his tie, “I told you I just had to get something from my office-“

“No, not that,” she said as she walked closer, “Why are you dressed in a suit?”

Rafael looked at her confused, “Because… I have to go to work?”

“You’re not going to work,” Olivia mumbled.

“What?” he said raising an eyebrow, “I have to go in.”

“I already called in sick for you,” she shrugged, “You should take a day off to look after yourself.”

Rafael sighed, “Liv, you can’t do that.”

“It’s already done,” she said firmly, “Don’t make me a liar by showing up to work.”

Rafael shook his head as he turned and started for his study again; he noticed Olivia had followed him as he entered the room, “What?” he questioned.

“Can I help you?” Olivia asked.

“With?” he muttered as he walked around his desk.

Olivia watched as he opened the top drawer of his desk; while he shuffled through them she sighed, “Help you find whatever you’re looking for.”

Rafael remained silent as he took out all the files that were neatly stacked in his drawer, placing them on the desk; once the drawer was empty of files all what was left was a photo. “No,” he mumbled as he picked it up, “I found it.”

Olivia saw the small photo in his hand; “What’s that?” she questioned, “I’ve never seen that before.”

Taking a deep breath, Rafael walked around his desk towards Olivia; he held the photo out for her to see as he said, “It’s usually in my office at work but I brought it home a few days ago.”

She took hold of the photo; it was Rafael, smiling; it almost appeared like he was laughing, with some woman standing next to him, whispering something in his ear. As Olivia examined the photo she saw the little girl sitting on Rafael’s shoulders, her green eyes resembling Rafael’s. “This is them, isn’t it?” Olivia asked, “Gloria and Sofia?” When Rafael didn’t reply she looked up from the photo and saw him staring at her; she gave him a soft reassuring smile before adding, “It’s okay.”

Taking a long deep breath, he cleared his throat, “That’s Sofia when she was 4; this photo is all I have left from my time with them both. Before it all fell apart, it’s the only reason why I kept it.”

“You don’t have to explain why you have it Rafael,” Olivia comforted. “They’re family.”

Rafael nodded as Olivia passed him the photo; taking a quick look for himself he sighed, “I thought maybe Sofia would want it.”

“I’m sure she’ll love it,” she smiled. “You look so young there.”

He laughed a little, “Yeah, it was like, I don’t know… 15 years ago.”

“You looked happy,” Olivia commented.

“I’m happy now,” he remarked as he lifted his gaze to Olivia. _Are you?_ He thought, _You’d be happier if you had-_ “I should go talk to Sofia,” he mumbled trying to distract himself as he placed the photo in his pocket.

Olivia hesitated, “I thought, maybe if it was okay with you, that I could sit in while you talk to Sofia.”

“I don’t know,” he said as he brought his hand up and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I just want to be there because I know I’m pushing you to do this and it’s not going to be easy,” Olivia explained, “So I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in doing this.”

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded as he brushed past her, “I guess that’ll be okay.”

Olivia watched him as he neared the doorway, “Oh and Rafael?” she sighed.

“Mmm,” he mumbled as he turned to her.

“I know you and Sofia can both speak Spanish so I shouldn’t have to ask,” she paused, “But when you talk to her, can you do so in English?”

“Liv,” he sighed, “You’ve heard it all before.”

“No, I haven’t,” Olivia mumbled, “You’re going to talk about her in a more loving way than you did with me.”

“You don’t want to hear that,” Rafael grumbled.

“I do,” she replied, “I know you loved her and she is after all Sofia’s mother but I don’t want you have to hide any of that from me.” She paused as she watched Rafael run his hand through his hair, “I just need to know what you say so if Sofia asks me about any of it, I can answer it.”

Rafael took a deep breath; “I guess,” he nodded, “That makes sense.” As they both made their ways out of the study and down the hallway Rafael paused in front of the kitchen door; “Why don’t you go ahead,” he suggested.

“Rafael?” Olivia raised an eyebrow confused.

Rafael smiled a little, “Even after brushing my teeth I can still taste that awful drink you made me have.”

“Oh,” she laughed. “Well I can get you-“

“No,” he interrupted, “I’ll get myself a cup of coffee and join you both in the lounge room. It’ll only be a minute, besides I’m sure Sofia would rather have you in there first after yesterday.”

Olivia nodded as she continued down the hallway, “Don’t be too long,” she mumbled as she disappeared from sight.

 

Rafael waited a moment before walking into the kitchen and fixing himself a cup of coffee. As he mixed in the cream and sugars as he usually did, something in him begged for something more. _One drop,_ this voice pleaded, _What’s the harm in that? Come on… You know you want it._ Sighing he looked around the room before pulling out the flask that was already stashed in his jacket pocket; he paused as looked at the bottle, _No one will know, it’s one drink… Not even a proper drink so who cares. Please, just enough to taste._ Rafael shook his head as he tried to push the voice from his mind, _It’ll calm your nerves._ After debating with himself, he checked over his shoulder as he poured some whiskey into his coffee. Taking a deep breath he quickly put his flask away and took hold of his coffee then started for the lounge room.

As he entered everyone went quiet; he saw Olivia sitting on the lounge while Sofia sat in the armchair. “So,” Sofia said confused, “What’s going on?”

“Rafael?” Olivia said as she looked over to him.

He froze, his grip on his mug tightening, _It’s not too late to back out,_ he thought. Rafael took a shuddering breath as he walked towards the lounge; he sat between Olivia and Sofia, “I, um,” he muttered. He paused as he took a sip of his coffee before adding, “I think it’s time I told you everything.”

“What about?” Sofia questioned.

“I know yesterday must have been hard to see,” he sighed, “I sure as hell didn’t want that to be your first day here. I swear that wasn’t a usual thing.”

Sofia nodded as she sighed, “Okay. Why’d you have a hand print on the side of your face?”

Rafael’s stomach dropped as he shot a quick glance to Olivia, “Y-you saw that?”

“It was hard to miss,” she admitted.

“I think that’s a conversation for another time,” Olivia chimed in. “Right now, I think there’s something else Rafael wants to talk about.”

Rafael gave her a small smile before turning to Sofia, “Yes, I uh,” he muttered as he tried to dig through his pocket.

“Why don’t you give me your coffee-“ Olivia began.

“No, I’ve got,” Rafael mumbled. After a moment he managed to get the photo out of his pocket; he paused as he stared at it, “Sofia, I want you to have this.”

As he held out the photo, Sofia cautiously took it, “What’s this?” When she looked at it she smiled, “Oh wow, I had forgotten about that day.”

“I always kept this photo and now it’s yours,” Rafael smiled, “I want you to remember us this way despite what I’m about to say.”

Sofia tore her gaze from the photo and looked up at Rafael; “What are you talking about?”

“I’m about to answer your question as to why I left,” he sighed. “Olivia and I were talking and it’s time you knew.” Rafael saw Sofia’s eyes wonder back to the photo so he paused and took another swig of his coffee, “Are you sure you want to know?” he hesitated.

Sofia nodded quickly, “Please, I need to know.”

Rafael looked over to Olivia as he took a deep breath, “I was happy back then, I loved your mother wholeheartedly but sometimes that’s not enough.” Looking back to Sofia; finding she was already looking at him he continued, “You know that your mother was an addict, right?”

“I figured,” Sofia mumbled, “No one actually told me until she was sick but I kinda always knew. They said it was your fault she was one.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Rafael paused, “Actually I don’t think it’s true at all. Your mother… she, um... this is harder that I thought it would be.”

“It’s okay Rafael,” Olivia comforted. “Sofia will understand.”

Nodding, Rafael glumly continued, “She had an affair,” _More than one,_ “and got hooked on drugs. I always took the blame because if I was actually a good husband, that shouldn’t have happened, right?”

“If what you’re saying is true then it’s not your fault,” Sofia sighed. “Is that what made you leave? Her addiction? Or was it the affair?”

“In a way, both,” he mumbled. “You see after I found out I tracked the guy down-“

“You didn’t tell me that,” Olivia said confused.

“Sorry,” he shrugged, “But I did track him down and that’s how I found out he was a dealer. I’m not proud but I threatened him to leave Gloria alone… It didn’t work, instead I got the shit kicked out of me.”

“Raf,” Olivia sighed as she gently ran her hand down his back.

“I don’t remember any of this,” Sofia frowned.

“You wouldn’t you were only 6,” he sighed. “I kept it pretty hush hush, even Gloria’s parents didn’t know what happened to me.” He paused as he drank from his mug, “Anyway, I begged Gloria to leave him and stay with me but she wouldn’t. Ella rompió mi coranón.”

“I didn’t know,” Sofia mumbled, “I’m sorry I didn’t realise that it was so hard for you.” She watched as Rafael lowered his gaze to the floor; she paused as she looked at the photo, seeing her father smiling, “But what made you leave?” she found herself asking.

“You found a stash,” he muttered into his mug, “I almost lost you and that’s when I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I fought like hell for you but with Gloria’s lies I thought it was best to just move on.”

Sofia sighed, “Oh.” As the room fell into an awkward silence Sofia took a deep breath as she asked, “Did you even care that you left?”

He looked at Sofia as he said, “Por supuesto que sí, irse fue el mayor error de mi vida.”

“Hon,” Olivia whispered as she leaned forward, “You said-“

“Estaba feliz con Gloria, pero como el destino lo tendría ... A veces las cosas no funcionan.” He paused as he looked over to Olivia; smiling he said, “Pero yo por una me alegro de que no funcionó de otra manera nunca habría encontrado el amor de mi vida.”

“Estoy feliz por ti,” Sofia smiled.

“Please speak English,” Olivia sighed.

“I was just saying how happy I am that I met you,” Rafael smiled.

“Oh,” Olivia grinned as she moved her hand from his back and placed it gently on his knee. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” he replied.

Sofia looked at the way Olivia had a tender hand on Rafael’s knee, “So,” she started, “How did you two end up dating? I mean I assume you met at work…”

“Yeah we did,” Rafael nodded as he looked at Olivia lovingly. “To make a long story short, I asked her to join me for a celebratory drink after a particularly tough case and she finally agreed. I spent the night wooing her with my charming personality and after that,” he smirked, “I was just too irresistible-“

Olivia scoffed with a smile, “That’s not how I remember it.”

“No?” Rafael chuckled.

“No,” she nodded, “The way I remember it is you constantly asking me for a drink after cases but I kept saying no. It got to a point where you were basically begging me-“

Rafael laughed, “I never begged.”

Olivia raised her eyebrow, “You beg,” she grinned.

Rafael felt his cheeks start to blush, “Liv… I think you should finish your story.”

“Right,” she laughed, “I finally gave in and said yes and I remember thinking that you looked nervous which is unusual for you.”

“I wasn’t nervous but I was aware of your rule,” Rafael shrugged as he turned to look at Sofia. “You see, I heard she had a rule against dating lawyers so I figured I never had a chance.”

“Well isn’t it a good think I broke that rule,” Olivia smiled.

“What happened when you were getting drinks?” Sofia asked.

“Oh yeah,” Olivia nodded, “He was nervous-“

“Was not,” Rafael quipped.

“He was,” Olivia mouthed to Sofia. “We spent most of the night talking but when it came time to say goodnight he froze.”

“That’s not what happened,” Rafael interrupted.

“No?” Olivia smiled.

“No, I paused,” he smirked, “I had been admiring you all night and when we got back to your place the way the moonlight hit your eyes. I just… I had to take a moment to comprehend that I was lucky enough to be with you.”

“I didn’t know that,” Olivia replied.

“That’s sweet,” Sofia smiled.

“I’m a bit of a romantic,” Rafael grinned.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she smiled, “Don’t play to his ego, that’s already big enough.”

“I’ll remember that,” Sofia laughed, “Are you two going to work today?”

“No,” Rafael sighed.

“I actually thought it would be good if we all just hung out today,” Olivia suggested, “It would be a nice way to get to know each other and just welcome you in.”

“That sounds great,” Sofia nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know,” Olivia shrugged.

Rafael sat there quietly for a moment for a second before chiming in, “We have some games, would you be interested in playing something?”

“Like?” Olivia asked.

“I don’t know, a card game?” Rafael shrugged, “We could play UNO or blackjack or we could just end up watching TV.”

“I like card games,” Sofia smiled, “I’m pretty good at them.”

“Yeah?” Rafael laughed, “It’s hard to beat me.”

“I’m sure I could,” Sofia grinned, “I was a champion at anything card related.”

Olivia laughed as she stood up, “This should be interesting.” She walked across that room and opened a draw pulling out some cards, “Who’s dealing?”

“I am-“ Rafael and Sofia both answered.

They paused as they looked at each other before chuckling; as they laughed Olivia had returned on the lounge, “How about I deal this round.”

“Yeah okay,” Rafael smiled.

They spent most of the day playing games together; as the day progressed, Sofia had beaten them by three rounds.

 

The next day, Rafael slowly made his way towards Olivia’s office when she emerged looking down at her phone; she was in such a rush she didn’t see Rafael until he put his hands out in front of him. “Hey,” he laughed, “You either need to slow down or get off that phone of yours.”

“You’re one to talk,” Olivia quipped.

“Where are you going in such a rush?” he asked as he let go of her. He sighed as he looked down at his watch, “I thought we had a meeting, did I mix up the times?”

“Oh no,” Olivia smiled, “We’re sitting out at the table over there.”

“Oh,” he sighed. “I thought… I thought we were talking about Sam.”

“We are,” she nodded, “It’s just easier to talk as a group so everyone knows, we’ve done it before on other cases. Are you okay with it?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he looked down at the floor. When he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder he looked up, “Yeah, I’m fine Liv,” he smiled, “Really, I am.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she started walking, “Well, come on then.”

Rafael walked quietly behind her; when he reached the table he saw Fin leaning back in his chair, Carisi sitting slumped over writing notes on his notebook and Rollins standing up staring at Sofia’s photo pinned on the wall. Rafael cautiously watched Rollins as he sat at his usual seat near the pin board.

“You know,” Amanda frowned, “This girl looks familiar-“

“I d-don’t think so,” Rafael mumbled.

“Oh come on,” Amanda smiled, “It’s something about her eyes… Hell if we didn’t know you better I’d say she’s related to you Barba.”

“Nah,” Fin shrugged, “I don’t see it.”

Rafael cleared his throat as he flicked an uncomfortable gaze to Olivia, “D-don’t you think we should get started?”

“Yes,” Olivia sighed as she sat next to Rafael, “Carisi, how about you catch us all up on what you know about Sam Taylor?”

“Yeah, okay, give me a sec,” Carisi mumbled as he finished scribbling in his notebook. When he was done he slowly stood up; Rafael caught his gaze as he started, “Sam Taylor is a psychology teacher at Hudson-“

“Can we skip to what we don’t know,” Rafael growled.

“Yeah,” Carisi nodded, “Hudson is his third school in 5 years. There are no reasons given as to why he’s moved around so much. No complaints. No one heard or said anything other than what a wonderful teacher he is-“

Remembering the way Sofia acted after meeting her teacher Rafael mumbled under his breath, “That’s bullshit.”

“Rafael?” Olivia sighed.

“I just… I mean that clearly something else is going on and we all know victims don’t tend to come forward… especially if it’s a teacher,” Rafael paused, “We all know given the choice Sofia wouldn’t have.”

“We’ve only just started our investigation,” Olivia sighed.

“Yeah well, look harder,” Rafael muttered as he looked at the clock on the wall; _A drink would be nice right about now._

As they all talked Fin stood up from the table and made his way towards Sofia’s photo; he paused when he reached Rafael, “We’re gonna get this guy,” he reassured as he placed a hand on Rafael shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” Rafael growled.

Fin pulled his hand away as he continued walking, “Sorry man,” he frowned.

Olivia leaned towards Rafael as she placed a tender hand on his knee, “You okay?”

“I said don’t fucking touch me,” he snarled as he suddenly stood up; knocking his chair backwards. Rafael’s breathing was shallow as he looked around the room; everyone was staring at him.

Olivia cautiously stood up; noticing the fist he made, and took a step towards him, “Rafael?” she asked.

Rafael’s head snapped around to her; he watched her get closer, he was frozen, unsure of why he was so angry. _Punch something,_ he thought, _They’re all judging you anyway. Hit something and get a drink._ When she got close enough to almost touch him Rafael raised his hands, “I can’t do this right now, just… just leave me alone,” he growled as he started to walk away.

Olivia paused, confused, as she watched him walk away; after a moment she sighed, “I’ll be back, while I’m gone why don’t we start getting somewhere with this case.”

As everyone started to collect their things and move back to their desks, Olivia rushed out towards the elevator, “Rafael hold the door!” she called out.

Rafael sighed, “I just… I want to be alone.”

“Please,” she said jogging towards the door. Rafael rolled his eyes as he held the door open for her, “Thank you,” she smiled as she entered. She felt his anger radiating off him, “What’s going on?”

“I… I don’t know,” he sighed, “I’m angry and I can’t explain why.”

“Is it Sam?” Olivia asked; elevator doors closing behind her.

 _No… I just need a drink,_ “Yes,” Rafael mumbled, “I guess so. I mean… I shook his hand Liv.” Olivia remained silent; Rafael clenched his jaw as he continued, “When I met him, I shook his fucking hand in front of Sofia. What does that make me?”

“Rafi-“

“I can’t believe I did that… Now all I want to do…” he drifted off.

“I know,” she sighed, “This isn’t easy for you-“

“I want this guy dead,” he frowned, “If we get this guy-“

“When,” she corrected.

He nodded, “When we get this guy, I’m going to throw the book at him.”

Olivia smiled a little, “I know you will but we have to get there first.”

“I need your team to get somewhere with this so I can do that Liv,” he sighed. “They need to quit slacking off-“

“You didn’t even hear everything,” Olivia frowned, “You flipped out before we could say anything else.” Rafael stood there quietly as the doors opened; as he took a step Olivia quickly pushed the button to close the doors, “Don’t walk away from me.”

“Open the doors,” he frowned.

“Do you want to know what we know about Sam or not?” Olivia asked.

“I want to know,” Rafael mumbled, “I just can’t do it right now.” _Not without a drink._ “Can’t you just write it in an email or something?”

“Is that how we’re going to talk about this now?” Olivia muttered, raising an eyebrow.

“Liv,” he sighed. “Don’t say it.”

“I told you this wasn’t going to be easy, you should recuse yourself-“

“No,” he growled, “I don’t have to, I’m supposed to be on her side. Her being my daughter doesn’t change anything.”

“No?” Olivia frowned, “You just got angry because Fin touched you.”

Looking down to the floor he muttered, “Can you please just open the doors?”

Olivia sighed as she pressed the elevator button, “This doesn’t mean we’re done talking.”

As the doors open Rafael shrugged, “I know but right now I need some space… I need to get out of here.”

Olivia remained in the elevator as she watched Rafael quickly walk away; _I sure hope he’s going to his office. Is that any better than a bar?_ Taking a deep breath Olivia pushed the thought from her mind as she closed the elevator and waited to get back to the squad room.

“Everything okay?” Fin asked when Olivia passed his desk.

She paused for a moment as she looked at him, “Yeah, everything is fine. He’s just under a lot of pressure at work.”

“Anything I can do?” Fin sighed, “For you or him?”

“Actually, yeah,” Olivia thought. “I think I’m going to head out early today, I just really need to spend some time with Noah. Do you mind if I place you in charge when I leave?”

Fin gave her a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry, the place won’t burn down without you, I can manage a few hours.”

Olivia laughed, “Thank you.”

 

Late that afternoon, Rafael walked through the door of his home when he was hit with the wafting smell of something sweet baking, “Olivia?” he called out.

“In the kitchen,” Olivia replied.

Rafael made his way through the house, towards the kitchen; the closer he got he could hear her music playing. When he finally reached the kitchen, he paused in the doorway; he quietly leaned against the doorway as he watched her. He couldn’t help but smile as he listened to her humming along to the song. A small chuckle escaped his lips when she started to dance around the kitchen. _God I love her_ , he thought.

When she turned she caught a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye; she stopped in her tracks as she smiled, “Hey, you’re home early.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “What are you doing?”

“I’m baking,” she replied.

Rafael laughed as he walked towards her, “I can see that, what are you baking?”

“Cookies for Noah and Sofia if she wants some,” Olivia smiled.

“They wouldn’t happen to have chocolate in them?” Rafael smirked as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

Olivia looked at him confused, “How’d you know?”

“You’ve gotta little something,” he said as his eyes glanced down at her neck.

“Oh,” Olivia laughed. She looked around the kitchen for a cloth; when she saw one she went to grab it when Rafael tightened his grip on her, “Rafael? I was just going to clean-“

“Let me,” he tenderly smiled. When Olivia smiled back he leaned towards her neck and gently kissed her as he worked his way towards the chocolate mark. When he reached it he ran his tongue along the mark; nipping at her skin occasionally causing Olivia to give a breathless moan. When the chocolate was gone Rafael worked his way back up her neck, tenderly kissing her as he went, until he reached her lips. He passionately kissed her; opening his mouth and guided her tongue into his mouth; while they kissed Rafael started to walk forward, pushing Olivia against the counter. He leaned into her as he moved one hand up to her breast and the other tightly holding her ass. “God, I… Love you,” he whispered breathlessly.

Olivia smirked against his lips as she pulled him closer, “Shut up and kiss me.”

Rafael chuckled as he kissed her again; as things heated up Rafael started to grind his hips gently against her while he moved his hand off her breast and tried to undo her shirt.

As he unbuttoned the first three they heard Sofia, “Oh… I’m sorry.”

Rafael quickly broke the kiss and snapped his head around to Sofia; “Um,” he muttered as he bit his bottom lip, “It’s fine.”

“I didn’t mean to…” Sofia said apologetically.

As Rafael leaned away from Olivia she started to button up her shirt, “It’s okay. Sorry that you, um…” she drifted off; feeling her cheeks being to blush.

“I’m gonna,” Rafael mumbled as he cleared his throat. As he sheepishly walked towards the door; he paused as he looked at Sofia, embarrassed he sighed, “I’ll be in the study if you need me.”

Olivia sighed as she watched him disappear around the corner; when he was gone she turned her gaze to Sofia and asked, “So, what are you doing?”

“I um,” Sofia hesitated, “I was just going to ask for a drink.”

“Oh sure Honey,” Olivia smiled, “You don’t have to ask.”

Sofia cautiously made her way to the fridge as she watched Olivia’s attention drift off to the oven, “I, um,” she mumbled.

“What’s up?” Olivia asked.

“I’m sorry I interrupted,” Sofia sighed, “I didn’t mean to…”

Olivia turned down the oven as she said, “It’s honestly fine.”

As Sofia opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water, “Is it? I don’t mean to over step but I’ve noticed that things haven’t been the best and I can’t help but think it’s because of me.”

Olivia paused as she quickly looked over to Sofia with a tender smile, “Honey, don’t think that you being here is bad for us. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I know Rafael feels the same. We love having you here.”

“Okay,” Sofia smiled a little. She paused for a moment; looking at Olivia she hesitantly suggested, “Maybe you two should go on a date.”

“What?” Olivia said confused.

“I just mean after that I’m sure you two would enjoy some time together,” Sofia smirked.

“I don’t know,” Olivia sighed.

“If you’re worried about Noah, I’ll look after him for the night,” Sofia suggested, “I promise he’ll be fine, I use to babysit my neighbours kids.”

“I’m sure you would do wonderfully, it’s just-” Olivia hesitated, “I’m not sure Rafael would want-“

“He wants to whether he realises it or not,” Sofia interrupted. “Honestly the way he looks at you, the way he talks about you… I’ve never seen anyone so in love before and it gives me hope that one day I’ll find something like that.”

“That’s very sweet,” Olivia smiled, “But I still don’t think-“

“Just ask him,” Sofia pushed, “It’ll be nice for you two to get out and have a dinner together.”  
“It’s been awhile,” Olivia nodded, “Okay, thank you.”

  

Twenty minutes later Olivia walked into Rafael’s study, “Hey, how about we go on a date?”

“What?” Rafael frowned, “Why?”

Olivia was a little take back by his response, “Um…” she hesitated, “Because it’ll be nice to go out for dinner, just the two of us. We haven’t had a night out since you proposed to me.”

“Liv,” he sighed, “I’ve been busy-“

“I know,” Olivia nodded, “That’s why I’m asking you now… I think it would be good especially after the other day.”

Rafael closed his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “I told you I was sorry about that. I didn’t want to say anything in the first place.”

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I know but I’m glad you did because we shouldn’t have secrets like that.”

“Okay okay,” he mumbled as he looked at her. “I’ll go to dinner but can you at least try not to hold the other day against me anymore.”

“I’m not,” Olivia said confused.

“I was drunk and we now know nothing happened so can we just drop it?” Rafael sighed. “I have no intention on ever doing anything like that to you.”

“Rafael,” Olivia said taking a deep breath, “Relax, I’m not holding it against you. You didn’t do anything, I just meant that it was a shock to think that it was a possibility and I just want to make it up to you for slapping you.”

“I deserved it,” Rafael sighed, “I wouldn’t have expected anything less. Hell if Elliot ever kissed you a second time I’d probably lose it so don’t think you owe me an apology. I should never have put you in that situation in the first place and I’ll always be sorry that I did.”

 _God I hope he never finds out,_ “Don’t beat yourself up,” she sighed, “Rafi, I love you and I just want moments like before again. That’s why I’m suggesting the date, I don’t that moment to just disappear… they are far and few between.”

Rafael nodded, “Okay, dinner sounds good. When were you thinking?”

“Tonight,” Olivia smiled, “If that’s okay with you.” Rafael paused as he looked at the pile of paper work on his desk; Olivia sighed, “Okay… Another time then.”

“No,” Rafael smiled as he looked up to her. “This is important. Tonight is good.”

 

An hour later Olivia emerged from their bedroom; dressed in a nice red dress, “Rafael?” she called out as she walked towards the living room. “I made the reservation for 8, we’re going to be late if you’re not ready.”

Rafael was standing in the living room; he was dressed in a white dress shirt with black trousers, “Liv,” he smiled, “You look beautiful.”

She grinned as she looked down at her dress, “You sure? It’s not too much?”

“I don’t know where we’re going but I love that dress on you,” he replied as he walked towards her. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in this.”

As Rafael wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, “I love you,” she smiled against his lips.

“You two are going to be late,” Sofia interrupted as she walked into the room.

Rafael let go of Olivia as he looked down at his watch, “She’s right. You said the reservation was at 8, right?”

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded. “Noah!?”

Noah ran down the hallway and into the living room, “Are you and Rafi leaving now?”

“Yes sweetie,” Olivia replied as she knelt down, “You be good for Sofia.”

“I will,” Noah smiled as he hugged her.

“You call me if you have any trouble with him,” Rafael muttered as he started for the door.

“Okay,” Sofia nodded.

“We’re only a call away,” Olivia mumbled as she stood up and joined Rafael, “If you have any questions or if something goes wrong please don’t hesitate.”

“Everything will be fine,” Sofia reassured, “Don’t worry, it’s only for a few hours. Go… Have a good time.”

Olivia laughed, “Okay okay.”

“Come on Liv,” Rafael sighed as he took hold of Olivia’s hand. _I need a drink,_ “We’ll see you later, don’t wait up.”

 

After a short cab ride, they arrived at a small romantic restaurant; as they walked in Rafael looked around. It was a little out-dated, there was some lights hanging from the ceiling, the tables were dressed with a white tablecloth with a small candle centrepiece. “It’s been a while since we’ve been here,” Rafael said unimpressed.

“It was the only place I could get a last minute reservation,” Olivia sighed, “All our usual places have been booked out.”

“This will do,” he muttered as he looked around the small restaurant, “It’s… cosy.”

“Hi, welcome,” a young woman greeted them. “Do you have a reservation?”

“We do,” Olivia smiled, “It’s under Benson.”

The woman took a moment to find the name before nodded, “Ah yes, here it is. Table for two?”

“That’s the one,” Olivia answered.

“Perfect, follow me to your table,” she smiled as she took two menus.

“It’s a little busy tonight,” Rafael commented, “Must be good for business.”

“It sure is,” the woman grinned as she approached a table, “Here’s your table.” She placed the menus down as she watched Rafael help Olivia into her seat, “Your waiter won’t be too long.”

“No problem,” Olivia smiled.

Rafael pushed Olivia’s seat in before leaning down and giving her a quick kiss, “You look beautiful.”

“You said that already,” Olivia blushed.

Rafael walked around the table to his own seat as he said, “Yeah, I know. You’re always beautiful.”

“Oh Rafi.”

Rafael picked up the drink menu as he mumbled, “So what made you think of a date?”

“Because I thought it would be nice,” Olivia replied. As Rafael raised an eyebrow Olivia sighed, “Okay. It was Sofia’s idea after this afternoon’s interaction.”

“Oh,” he laughed a little. “Yeah, that was something...”

“It sure was,” she nodded as she picked up her own menu, “It was a nice surprise from you though.”

“Yeah?”

Olivia smiled, “I’m glad we’re-“

The waiter walked up to the table and asked, “Does anyone want a drink?”

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded, “I’ll have a rum. What about you Liv?”

Olivia paused as she looked at him; her stomach dropping, “You said you weren’t going to-“

“I said I’d slow down,” he frowned, “I don’t drink that much and I think I should be allowed to have one damn drink while were out.” He paused as he looked at the waiter uncomfortably standing there, “Don’t you think that one drink should be acceptable?”

“I, um,” the waiter stuttered, “I don’t know.”

“Use your brain,” he growled.

“Rafael,” Olivia frowned. She turned to the young waiter as she said, “I’m sorry about him. I’ll just have a glass of shiraz.”

The waiter nodded cautiously as he shifted his gaze to Rafael; “N-now was that all I can do for you?”

“Yes,” Olivia smiled.

Rafael rolled his eyes as the waiter quickly walked away from the table, “You don’t have to apologise for me.”

“I think I do,” Olivia sighed, “That was ridiculous. He’s just a young man trying to do his job.”

“Well you’re the one who started making a scene,” Rafael muttered.

“You’re kidding right?” she frowned, “Don’t turn this back on me.”

Rafael shook his head as his gaze fell down to his watch; _Where the bloody hell is my drink,_ he frowned as he tapped his fingers on the table. “So,” he sighed, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Anything,” she sighed, “I just want to be in this moment with you.”

As his tapping increased he grumbled, “The service here is slow.”

“You only just ordered,” she reminded him, “Give it time.” Watching the way he shifted in his seat as he looked around the room; she leaned forward taking hold of his hand, stopping him from tapping. As his gaze snapped back to her she smiled, “I’m glad we’re getting to do this. It’s been a while.”

Rafael took a deep breath as he relaxed, “Yeah,” he nodded, “You’re right it’s nice to have a moment just for us.”

“We should make more of an effort to do things like this,” Olivia suggested.

“Liv,” he sighed, “You know I’ve been working a lot. If I had the time I would-“

“I wasn’t accusing you,” she sighed, “I was just saying that we both should find some time here and there just for us.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Do you want to be here?” Olivia asked.

Rafael looked down at her hand on his, before placing his free hand on hers, “Of course,” he smiled. Looking up at her he added, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

“I hope not,” she replied.

“I love-“ he paused when the waiter cautiously approached the table. “About time you showed up.”

“I-I’m sorry sir,” he said nervously, “We’re a little busy tonight.”

“That’s fine,” Olivia reassured, “We’re happy to wait.”

“Speak for yourself,” Rafael muttered under his breath.

“Yours was a merlot?” he asked as he placed the drink in front of Olivia.

“No,” Rafael frowned, “She asked for a Shiraz.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still in training,” he sighed.

“That’s fine, I’ll still drink it,” Olivia replied, “I like a good merlot.”

“How hard is it to get a drink order right?” Rafael snarled.

Increasingly getting nervous the young waiter hesitated, “I’m sorry, yours was the rum, right?”

“Yes.”

The waiter’s hand was shaking as he put the glass down in front of Rafael; when he spilt some onto the table he apologised profusely, “I’m so sorry Sir.”

“I just wanted one fucking drink-“ Rafael growled.

“Rafael, it was an accident,” Olivia frowned. She looked at the waiter as he tried to dab the table dry, “It’s fine, we can clean it up.”

“I-I’ll come back to take your orders,” he sheepishly said, “I’m sorry.”

As the waiter slowly walked away Rafael mumbled, “Or at least send a competent waiter.”

“Don’t you remember what it’s like to work in one of these jobs?” Olivia asked as she picked up her napkin and placed it on the wet spot.

“Of course, I worked my ass off to get to where I am now,” he frowned. “I never made stupid mistakes like that.”

“Doesn’t give you the right to talk to him like that,” she sighed.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he picked up his drink; he brought the drink to his lips, his nose filling with the burning scent hitting his nose. He closed his eyes as the warmth of the golden rum passed his lips; he let out deep sigh as the feeling of euphoria overcame him. _God I need this,_ he thought, a slight smile appearing on his face.

Olivia watched him as he got lost himself in his drink, “Rafael?” she whispered. When he didn’t respond she said his name again; as he opened his eyes she hesitated.

He saw her turn her gaze away from him, “Liv, what’s up?”

“Can you promise me something?” Olivia asked.

“What’s that?”

“No more drinking,” she sighed, “It’s getting bad lately and I don’t want you to lose control one day.”

“It’s nothing Liv,” he sighed.

“How about we do it together?” she suggested. “We can get rid of all of the alcohol in the house-“

“That’s going a little far, don’t you think?” he frowned. “I don’t have a problem.”

“I didn’t say you did,” she sighed. “It would be good for us-“

“For us?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” she smiled, “Think of it as a health kick. We’re always ordering take out so at least this way we can start eating and drinking right.”

“I run,” Rafael sighed.

“You use to. You haven’t for a few months now,” Olivia shrugged, “Work’s been getting in the way of a lot of things so at least we can control this.”

Rafael remained silent as he looked at her; he saw the pain in her eyes as she eyed off his drink, “Liv,” he sighed as he took hold of her hand. He leaned in close to her and waited until she looked at him, “I promise you, after tonight, I won’t drink anymore.”

“We won’t drink anymore,” Olivia smiled. “We’re in this together.”

“Always,” he smiled back. Rafael took a sip of his drink before adding, “Have you decided what you want for dinner?”

“Not yet,” Olivia sighed, “Do you know what you’re getting?”

Rafael shrugged, “Whatever sounds good.”

Olivia picked up her menu; as she ran through each item she said, “The chicken sounds good.”

“Yeah,” Rafael replied as he continued drinking.

“Or the lamb,” she muttered, “I don’t know, what do you think?”

“Uh,” Rafael shrugged, “Lamb.”

“Okay.” As the table fell silent between the two; Olivia looked up from her menu and watched Rafael nurse his drink, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to bring Sofia into the precinct soon,” she said. “I just need to talk to her.”

“Mhmm,” Rafael mumbled as he took a sip of his drink; _I’ll need another one soon._

“Are you listening?” Olivia asked.

Hearing Olivia’s voice he replied, “Yeah, of course.”

“So you’re okay with it? I don’t think you should be there when I bring her in, she might be more open that way,” Olivia muttered.

“Yeah, yeah,” Rafael nodded as he took a sip of his drink. “Sounds good to me.”

“I thought you’d be mad,” Olivia said relieved, “I’m glad you understand why I’m doing it this way.”

“Of course,” he smiled. _Where’s this damn waiter, I want to order another drink,_ he thought.

A few minutes later, when the waiter cautiously approached the table; Rafael picked up his drink, as he sipped away at it he watched the young boy. He seemed nervous as he glanced over his shoulder occasionally; _What’s he looking at?_ Rafael thought. When the waiter did it again Rafael followed his gaze and saw a woman standing off in the distance eying off his table. _She’s watching us… watching me. What did this kid tell her?_

“Are y-you ready to order?” the waiter asked.

Rafael frowned as he turned his stare to Olivia; he smiled a little as he watched Olivia flip her hair as her lips moved, her voice muffled to him. After a moment he saw her laugh and touch the young man’s arm, _Is she flirting with him? She’s got some nerve to do that in front of me-_ He shook his head, pushing the thought from his mind; while he took a deep breath, he shifted his glance to find the woman still watching him.

“Hon?” Olivia asked as she placed a hand on his, “Rafael?”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he returned his scowl to the table, “What?”

A little taken back Olivia frowned, “He’s waiting for you to order.”

“Who’s that woman?” Rafael growled as he looked at the waiter.

“I, uh,” the young man mumbled as he looked over his shoulder. “It’s um-“

“Come on,” Rafael said impatiently, “It’s not that hard, she’s wearing a uniform so she clearly works here.”

“Y-yeah, she’s my manager,” he muttered.

“You complained about us,” Rafael snarled; _about me,_ “Didn’t you?”

“I-I-I,” the man stuttered.

In the corner of his eye he saw the woman making her way towards the table; just before she reached it, Rafael rolled his eyes and stood up quickly. Taking hold of his drink he swallowed the rest with ease before slamming his glass down on the table. “We’re going Liv, we’re clearly not welcome here,” he huffed as he took out his wallet and threw some money onto the table.

Olivia frowned as she watched Rafael walk away; “I’m so sorry,” Olivia sighed as she looked around the room to see everyone staring at her. “He’s not usually like this,” she added as she stood up.

“It’s okay Ma’am,” the woman said sympathetically. “We didn’t mean to make a scene. Johnny here is new,” she said gesturing to the waiter, “So I was just evaluating his performance.”

“Oh, so that’s why you were nervous,” Olivia nodded.

“Y-yes Ma’am,” he sighed, “That and your husband kinda scares me.”

“We’re not married,” Olivia corrected. She paused as she looked over her shoulder and saw Rafael waiting at the door; his green eyes glaring at her, “Well good luck, don’t let my fiancé get to you… He’s just in a mood tonight.”

“Thank you Ma’am,” the young man smiled.

As Olivia started to leave the woman walked up behind her and quietly said, “I don’t want you to think you’re not welcome back.”

“Thank you,” Olivia smiled as she continued.

When she reached Rafael he held the door open for her, “What took you so long?” he frowned.

“I was just apologising and we got talking,” Olivia shrugged.

“Apologising? What for?” he grumbled, “Their service was terrible tonight.”

“Seriously Rafael?” she frowned.

He remained silent as they slowly walked down the street; she was walking slightly faster than he was, he couldn’t help but observe the way she walked. He watched the way her hips swayed, how the slight wind caught her hair, blowing it behind her, _She’s beautiful even when she’s angry._ “Liv?” he mumbled, “Can you slow down please?”

“Why should I?” she huffed, “You embarrassed me in there.”

“I know,” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

She stopped dead in her tracks as he said those words; when he caught up she felt him place a hand on the mid of her back, “Are you?” she asked.

“Am I what?” he mumbled as he walked around her. Now in front of her he saw the frown on her face, “Liv?”

“Are you even sorry?” she growled, “This was our one night out! You said this was as important to you as it was to me, so why did you act like that?”

“I-I don’t know,” he stuttered, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry.” Olivia rolled her eyes as she brushed passed him; as she walked off without him Rafael took a few quick strides to catch up. He tried to hold her hand but when she pulled away from him he sighed, “Liv, please. Don’t let this ruin our evening.”

“I just want to go home,” she mumbled.

“Why don’t we go, um,” _anywhere with a bar,_ “Get Chinese then eat it in the park?” he suggested. “We can still have a date night. We don’t have to go home.”

“No Rafael.”

“Come on, Olivia. It’s a beautiful night,” he begged, “We can buy a bottle of wine and-“

“You want to drink?” she frowned. “You just said you’d stop.”

“After tonight,” he reminded her. “I’m trying to make an effort here, I don’t want to be the asshole that ruined our date.”

Olivia shook her head as she stepped to the curb and hailed for a cab, “The date is over Rafael,” she sighed, “I’m going home. You’re welcome to join me or go wherever. Right now, I don’t care.”

When the cab pulled over Rafael opened the door for her; “I’m sorry,” he sighed as he watched her get in. _Close the door, she doesn’t want to be around you… Go get a drink;_ after a moment he hesitantly got in the cab with her.

 

When Olivia and Rafael walked through the door they saw Sofia quietly watching TV with Noah asleep on her lap; Olivia smiled as she walked closer, “How was my little boy?”

Sofia smiled as she looked down at the sleeping boy; “He was perfect,” she whispered, “He tried to stay up until you two got home.”

“I’ll take him to his room,” Rafael mumbled as he walked closer. As he picked up Noah, he felt him nuzzle into his neck, “I’m going to go to bed too,” he said turning to Olivia.

Olivia sighed as she gave him a quick nod and watched him leave the room, “I hope he wasn’t too much for you.”

“Oh not at all,” Sofia reassured. “He’s such a good kid. He missed you two though.”

“I missed him,” Olivia replied. As the room fell silent, except for TV, between the two Olivia slowly made her way to the lounge and sat next to Sofia; “Did you have a good night?” she asked.

“I had a good time. Noah and I played cops and robbers, I think he really likes that game,” Sofia laughed.

“Did he at least let you be the cop?” Olivia smiled.

“After a few turns,” Sofia nodded, “Once he got tired we watched a few kids shows until he fell asleep. I’ll gladly look after him anytime you two want to go out again, not many kids are as easy as he is.”

Olivia laughed, “You just haven’t seen him in one of his moods.”

Sofia smiled; watching Olivia’s attention slowly get drawn into the TV she quietly mumbled, “He wanted to see you.”

“What was that?” Olivia asked as she looked to Sofia. “I’m sorry, I got distracted.”

“I was just saying that Noah wanted to see you… Both of you,” she paused, “He looks up to you both, when we were playing he couldn’t stop talking about how his Mom catches the bad guys and Rafael kicks butt. His words,” Sofia laughed.

“Rafael’s words actually,” Olivia chuckled.

“Why doesn’t that surprise me,” Sofia mused. “Anyway sorry, I just thought you should know that he really does admire you both.”

“I’m glad you told me,” Olivia grinned, “That made my night.”

“Speaking of your night, how’d it go?” Sofia asked, “You’re home earlier than I thought you would be.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she shifted her gaze to the TV, “Yeah,” she mumbled, “It was nice to get out of the house.”

“That good huh?” Sofia frowned.

Olivia shrugged, “It had its moments but I mean that was to be expected.”

“Is that why he was in a grumpy mood when you two got home?” Sofia cautiously asked.

“He, um, we’re both just tired,” Olivia sighed. Slowly getting off the lounge she added, “I think I’m just going to head to bed, you’re more than welcome to stay up for as long as you want. Thank you again for tonight.”

“Oh okay,” Sofia nodded. “I can get up early tomorrow to look after Noah so you can sleep in.”

Olivia smiled softly at Sofia, “Thank you but I have to get up early anyway. You should stay in bed for as long as you can, I know I miss those days.”

Sofia laughed a little, “Okay, night Olivia.”

“Good night Sofia.”

 

A few days later, Rafael was looking down at his phone as he walked into the squad floor, making his way towards Olivia’s office; occasionally he’d glance up so he didn’t run into someone. When he glanced up this time he stopped dead in his tracks, _Sofia?_ He thought as he looked at a girl sitting in an interview room. He couldn’t move; frozen in place as everyone rushed around him. As the door opened he got a glimpse that confirmed it was Sofia sitting in the room; _she looks scared, alone and…_ his mind drifted when he saw Elliot leaving the room. _What’s he telling her? That it was you?_ His fist tightened, _He’s turning her against you._ “Don’t be ridiculous,” he mumbled as he started to walk again. He took a detour past the interview room, he paused at the door before knocking and slightly opening it, “Hey,” he smiled.

“O-oh,” Sofia shifted in her seat, “Hey, I- I didn’t know you were gonna be here.”

Rafael’s stomach dropped, “I… Are you okay?”

“C-can we do this later?” Sofia mumbled.

 _They’ve poisoned her against you,_ “Y-Yeah, yeah, no that’s fine,” he stuttered. _You might not have assaulted her but you’re no better,_ “Talk later then,” he sighed as he closed the door.

He took a deep breath as he started for Olivia’s office but he saw Elliot in the corner of his eye. All of a sudden Rafael was overwhelmed with anger; _This is all his fault_. His chest tightened as his breathing quickened; he curled his hand into a fist, _He’s turning Sofia against you… Just going to stand there and take it?_ Rafael started to walk towards Elliot, _Just going to let him destroy your life? First he went after Olivia, now it’s Sofia… Who’s next?_ “OI!” Rafael shouted as his walk turned into a jog.

“What?” Elliot replied.

Rafael rushed him; placing his forearm against Elliot’s neck as he pushed him up against the wall, “What the fuck are you saying to her?”

As Elliot tried to move, Rafael put more pressure on him, “What are you talking about?”

“Sofia,” Rafael growled, “What are you telling her? You’re turning her against me!”

“What?” Elliot said confused.

“Rafael,” Olivia called out as she made her way across the room.

 _Look at his smug face; he knows exactly what he’s doing._ “I didn’t attack her!” Rafael huffed.

“Barba,” Fin said sounding close; Rafael turned his head slightly and saw him standing next to him. “Barba what the hell?”

Rafael used his free hand to shove Fin away, “BACK OFF!” _They came to his aid; they don’t care about you. Never have. Now Sofia doesn’t even want to look at you,_ “WHAT DID YOU TELL HER! I’m not a rapist!”

“Let me go,” Elliot replied calmly.

 _He’s playing you; making you look like the bad guy. Look around; you have no friends here, they don’t-_ his thoughts were cut off by the sound of Olivia’s voice.

“Rafael?” she said calmly, “I know you can hear me.”

Rafael flinched as he listened; her voice calming him, extinguishing the anger he felt.

“Hon, I need you to let him go,” she continued, “He wasn’t interviewing her, I was. I asked her to come in, we talked about this, remember?”

He thought back but had no memory of the conversation; “N-no,” he croaked.

“Elliot was just getting her something to drink,” she comforted, “Now, can you please let him go.”

Rafael sighed as he slowly took a step back; “I-I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down at the floor.

“Come on,” Olivia said placing a hand on his shoulder, guiding him away from Elliot.

“Something’s wrong with him,” Elliot muttered to Fin as they watched Rafael.

“Stress,” Fin shrugged, “Come on let’s get to work.”

Rafael looked down at his hands, they were trembling, “I… I don’t know what came over me.”

“We can talk about it-“

“I should just go,” he sighed, “I’m sorry Liv.”

“Come sit in my office for awhile,” she suggested.

“No,” he mumbled as he turned away from her. “I just…” _I need a drink._ “I need to get out of here.”

“You came here for a reason,” Olivia reminded him as he started to walk away. “Why don’t you come into my office and we can talk about whatever it was you came here to say?”

He stopped in his tracks; as he turned around to her his eyes glanced around the room, he saw Elliot watching him closely then his gaze shifted to the interview room where Sofia was sitting alone. When his gaze finally landed on Olivia he sighed, “I should really get out of here… I just came by to ask you about Sofia’s case but I can see that you’re busy.” Olivia began walking slowly towards him when he added, “I’ll call you later or we’ll talk at home.”

“Okay,” she sighed; stopping just shy of him, “Call me if you need me… for anything Rafael, please call me.”

Rafael gave her a troubled look as he mumbled, “I’m sorry Liv. Can tell Elliot I’m sorry I didn’t mean… I wasn’t… just say I’m sorry.” He turned on his heels and quickly left the squad room, escaping the glares, before Olivia could convince him to stay.

 

As Olivia stood there, watching Rafael leave, Elliot cautiously made his way towards her, “What’s his problem?”

“Elliot not now,” Olivia sighed as she turned towards her office.

Following her he continued, “Come on Liv, he came after me for no reason.”

“He’s sorry about that,” she mumbled as she entered her office, “Things have been stressful for him-“

“For him?” Elliot frowned, “You’re kidding right?”

Making her way around her desk she looked at Elliot, “You don’t know everything-“

“I don’t think _you_ do,” he mumbled. “I mean who told you about Sam?”

Olivia’s face dropped, “Elliot,” she said firmly. “I’m not doing this again.”

“How do we know Sam isn’t some patsy?”

“I need you to stop this,” Olivia growled, “I know how to do my job, I’ve been doing it a lot longer than you.”

“I know but you’re too close to him-“

“You need to get it through your head,” Olivia continued, “I love him and that’s not going to change no matter what you say.”

“He’s not good for-“

“ELLIOT!” she huffed, “Stop, we are never going to happen. Kissing you was a mistake but don’t make me regret hiring you.”

“I’m just saying that he attacked me out of nowhere, there could be something more going on,” he sighed.

“Now listen to me when I say Barba isn’t good for this,” she frowned, “And if you keep questioning me on this I will have no choice but to transfer you. I’ve stuck my neck out for you but I’m beginning to think that was a bad idea.”

“You’re right,” Elliot mumbled as he watched Olivia sit down. “I’ll apologise to him whenever I see him next.”

“I’d wait a few days,” Olivia suggested, “He’s going through a rough time.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “I’ll, um, leave you to it then. I’m sorry I should trust you when it comes to him.”

 

Late that night Olivia was making her way to bed; as she walked into their bedroom she saw Rafael reading a file while nursing a glass in his hand, “Do you want to put that down,” she smiled.

“What?” Rafael said confused, “I’m just catching up on-“

She slowly made her way towards the bed; slowly removing her dressing gown, “I think you should put the file and drink down,” she smirked.

Rafael raised his eyebrow as he watched her drop the gown, “Is that so?” he chuckled.

She laughed as she crawled onto the bed, “The kids are asleep.”

Rafael turned slightly to place his file on the bedside table along with his drink; when he turned back Olivia was next to him, “Come here then,” he smirked.

Olivia leaned close to him; hand running along his chest, as she kissed him. He tasted like bourbon. Taking a deep breath she pulled away from him, “I thought we agreed you weren’t going to drink.”

“It’s one drink,” he sighed. “It shouldn’t change anything,” he added as he leaned towards her to kiss her.

She leaned away from him; “Where’d you even get one?” she asked.

Rafael sighed as he looked down at the bed sheet, “I kept a bottle.”

“Rafael,” she frowned.

“I’ll stop,” he said flatly.

“Where did you even keep it? We went through the house together.”

“I know,” he paused, “You don’t want to know where I had it.”

“Tell me,” she said confused.

“Tomorrow,” he said as he looked up at her, “You’ll get mad at me and right now I want you close to me.”

Taking a deep breath she sighed, “Raf, when are you going-“

“Look, tomorrow I’ll get rid of it and I’ll go cold turkey,” he interrupted, “I promise.”

“Okay,” she mumbled.

He brought his hand up to the side of her face, “I love you,” he smiled; gently ran his thumb across her cheek.

“Raf,” she sighed, “I love you too but…“

He leaned towards her; “Shh,” he whispered, “Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

“No Rafael,” she sighed.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he slumped back, “Whatever.”

Olivia watched him as he twisted his body slightly to pick up his drink, “Rafael,” she frowned.

“What?” he sneered, “There’s no point in wasting it.”

“Where’s the bottle?” she huffed.

“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugged, “It’s not in here.” The room felt tense as he took a sip of his drink while he watched her; after a moment she shook her head and got up, “Where are you going?” he frowned.

“I’m going to watch some TV,” she grumbled as she walked across the room.

“You know,” he whispered, “The kids are sleeping…”

“I don’t want to anymore,” she sighed as she picked up her dressing gown.

“That’s not fair,” he growled, “You’re the one who brought it up.”

Olivia shrugged, “Yeah well, that was before I knew you lied to me.”

“I never lied,” Rafael frowned.

“Good night Rafael,” she muttered as she started for the door.

“Are you even going to come to bed tonight?” he asked.

Olivia paused in the doorway; “I’ll come to bed later,” she answered as she left the room.

 

The next morning Olivia was emerging from her room when she looked down the hallway and saw Rafael leaving Noah’s room. She started towards him when she saw the bottle in his hand, “Rafael,” she frowned; startling him.

He took a deep breath as he turned to her, “I didn’t know you were awake,” he sighed.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

Rafael looked down at the bottle in his hand before turning his gaze back to her, “I promised I would get rid of it.”

“Noah’s already gone so why were you in his room?” she questioned. Rafael just froze as he stood there quietly, “Rafael… Why were you in Noah’s room?” she repeated firmly.

“I,” he hesitated, “I was getting the bottle.”

Wide-eyed, Olivia huffed, “You kept it in Noah’s room! What if he had found it? What were you thinking?”

“I-I’m sorry,” he sighed. “Noah didn’t know it was there, it was high on a shelf in his closet.”

“Is there anymore?” she sighed.

“More?”

“Stashes,” Olivia mumbled, “I need to know.”

He moved closer to her; looking her in the eyes as he said; “There’s no more.”

As he pulled her into a hug she sighed, “I still can’t believe you had it in Noah’s room.”

“I know,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “I’m sorry but it was only a spare in case we needed one.”

“I thought we were going to stop drinking together,” she said.

“We are,” he nodded, “I’m going to pour this down the sink now.”

Stepping out of the hug Olivia suggested, “How about you give it to me and I’ll deal with it.”

“Okay,” he sighed as he handed her the bottle, “I’m running late for work anyway.”

She smiled then gave him a kiss on his cheek; “I’ll see you later.” Olivia watched as he disappeared down the hallway towards the front door; she waited until she heard the door close behind him before walking into Noah’s room. She spent the next twenty minutes searching his room for any bottles before moving onto the next; an hour later she walked into the kitchen with another bottle she had found. After she placed both bottles on the countertop she stood there staring at them; _“He lied to me,”_ she mumbled under her breath. Taking her phone out of her pocket she sent Rafael a text: _Can you try to come home early today, we need to talk –_ Liv.

While she leaned against the bench Sofia walked into the room; “I, um, is it okay if I go out for the day?”

Olivia blinked a few times as she turned towards Sofia, “Yeah Honey,” she smiled. “Where are you going?”

“I just want to spend the day with a few friends,” she replied.

“Oh,” Olivia nodded, “Well I’m happy to hear it, will you be home for dinner?”

“I should be home by 5,” Sofia smiled.

“Okay,” Olivia smiled, “Text me if you’re going to be later. Have fun.”

 

Rafael was home around 4pm that afternoon; after he walked through the door he took of his jacket and hung it up. While he placed his briefcase against the wall he called out, “I’m home, where are you?”

“Kitchen,” Olivia replied.

Rafael slowly made his way down the hallway towards the kitchen; he hesitantly entered the room when he saw Olivia leaning against the countertop staring at the bottles. “I-I thought you said we weren’t drinking,” he cautiously said.

“Rafael,” she sighed turning her gaze to him, “I didn’t buy these.”

“Well, don’t look at me,” he frowned. “They aren’t mine.”

Olivia shook her head; “Don’t,” she said closing her eyes.

He took a few steps towards her; “Liv,” he sighed placing a hand on her shoulder.

As she opened her eyes she recoiled from his touch; as his hand fell off her she sighed; “You looked me in the eyes and lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie,” he mumbled.

“Yes you did,” she huffed taking a few steps away from him, “You’re lying to me right now!”

He took a deep breath before saying, “Why would I lie to you?”

“I found this one after you told me you had no more,” she frowned; gesturing to the bottles on the bench.

Rafael nodded as he tried to close the gap between them; she reluctantly matched his steps backwards, keeping the distance. “Don’t you trust me?” he sighed, “If you did you wouldn’t have searched the house.”

“Raf, I had to,” she said shaking her head, “You kept a bottle in Noah’s room, I needed to be sure he wasn’t just going to stumble across another one.”

“Well,” he mumbled, “As you saw… I had them in safe places.”

“Why?” Olivia sighed, “Why do you need them?”

“I don’t,” he frowned as he turned to the counter. He took hold of the bottles and moved across the kitchen; “I don’t have a problem,” he muttered as he started opening them and pouring them down the sink.

“Rafael,” Olivia said as she walked over to him.

“No,” he huffed, “If I had a problem I wouldn’t be able to do this.” As Olivia gently placed a hand on his upper back he added, “I only kept them just in case… Like last night when I was reading the file… It just helps.”

“Whose file we’re you reading?” Olivia asked. Rafael remained silent as he watched the last of the alcohol circle the drain, “Rafi?”

Rafael took a deep breath as he said, “Sofia’s.”

“Maybe it’s time you took a step back,” she suggested. Rafael shook his head as he started to walk out of the room, “Where are you going?” Olivia questioned.

“To prove to you I don’t have a problem,” he muttered leaving the room. Five minutes past before he entered the kitchen again holding another bottle, “You missed one.”

Olivia watched as he brushed past her and started pouring it down the sink, “We’re in this together,” she reassured. “Just think of it as a health kick for the both of us-“

“You’re only doing this because you think I have a problem,” he muttered.

“No,” she sighed, “I just wanted to make sure that we’re on the same page.”

Once the bottle was empty he placed it on the bench and turned to her, “Can you honestly tell me that you don’t think I have a problem?”

She pulled him into a hug as she muttered, “I just think it would be good for the both of us to stop drinking for a while.”

 _That’s not an_ answer, he shook his head as he tightly wrapped his arms around her; “Okay,” he sighed

They lost track of time as they hugged; just enjoying each other’s embrace, when Olivia said, “The kids will be home soon-“

“Where is Sofia?” he asked as he leaned back to see her face.

“She’s out with some friends,” Olivia smiled.

“Oh?” he said raising an eyebrow, “Is she coming home?”

Olivia nodded, “Yeah, I should probably start getting dinner ready. They both should be home around 5.”

“Okay,” he nodded as he let go of Olivia. “I’ll be in my study-“

“Raf,” she sighed.

“I’ve got work to do,” he mumbled, “I’ll come out when Noah’s home.”

 

They all sat around the dinner table as they ate dinner. While they ate Rafael stared at his hands; they were starting to tremble, _A drink would help,_ he thought as he took hold of his glass of water. Olivia saw the change in his body language as he watched the water shaking in his glass; she gently placed her hand on top of his other hand. When his gaze moved from the glass to her she gave him a reassuring smile; “I’m fine,” he whispered back.

Deciding to distract Rafael, Olivia turned to Noah and asked; “How was your day sweetie?”

“It was good,” Noah smiled, “Lucy took me to the park and I got to play with a puppy.”

“Oh really?” Olivia smiled, “Well that’s a pretty good day.”

“Can we get one?” Noah asked, “I want a big fluffy one.”

“I don’t know,” Olivia shrugged, “Maybe one day, what do you think Rafael?” She glanced over to him to find him staring at his glass again, “Hon?”

Rafael heard a muffled voice as his own thoughts clouded his mind, _It’s just the flu, it doesn’t mean anything._ He was torn away from his thoughts when Noah tapped him on the arm; he looked around the table to find everyone staring at him, “I’m sorry,” he sighed, “What?”

“Can we get a dog?” Noah asked.

Rafael frowned as he looked over to Olivia, “What did I miss?”

Olivia smiled, “Noah got to play with a dog today and now he wants one. I said maybe one day and then tried to ask your opinion on the subject.”

“Oh,” he mumbled. “Um, yeah, I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“Aww,” Noah sighed, “Why not?”

“No one’s home to look after it,” Rafael explained, “It would get very lonely.”

“But Mommy said one day,” he frowned. “I’ll play with him every day-”

“No,” Rafael sighed.

“Rafael,” Olivia whispered, “Maybe we could discuss this more privately later.”

 _She doesn’t even have your back with a stupid dog,_ he frowned, “Seriously? It’s a fu-“ he paused as he looked at Sofia then Noah. “It’s a fricken dog.”

“You’re being mean,” Noah sniffled. Rafael paused as he looked at the pout Noah had, “Why are you mad? I don’t like it when you get mad.”

Rafael was taken back; _Why are you so angry,_ “Noah-“ he began.

“Noah I think we should talk about this another time,” Olivia sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael mumbled.

The table went quiet as they started to eat dinner; everyone cautiously watching Rafael as he sat looking at his food. Trying to break the awkward silence Olivia asked, “So Sofia, how was your day?”

“I, um,” Sofia stuttered as she shifted in her seat. “It was actually really nice to catch up with some of my friends.”

“Well that’s great to hear,” Olivia smiled. “Where’d you go?”

“We just went to the mall,” she shrugged.

“Buy anything?” Rafael asked; his voice startling everyone.

Sofia paused as she looked at him, “N-no I didn’t.”

“Didn’t like anything?” Olivia asked.

“I just don’t have any money,” she sighed.

“Oh,” Rafael frowned, “I could have-“

“No,” she interrupted, “I told you I don’t want any money from you.”

Rafael sat there, mouth ajar, as he stared at her, “I just thought…” he grumbled.

“It’s fine,” Sofia smiled trying to break the tension, “I like to earn my money.”

Rafael shook his head as he reached for his glass; _Your daughter doesn’t even want your help,_ his lip curled as he thought. He brought his glass of water to his lips and took a sip; _This is pathetic, can’t even have a proper drink in your own home._

Seeing the frustrated look on Rafael’s face Olivia turned to Sofia and asked, “How are your friends? I bet they miss seeing you in class.”

“They were happy to see me,” Sofia smiled but it quickly disappeared as a thought came to her.

“What’s up?” Olivia questioned.

“It’s just there’s a rumour going around some of the classes,” Sofia sighed, “I thought high school was tough but apparently college students can even meaner.”

“Who?” Rafael growled as he snapped his gaze to her.

“I’m not sure,” Sofia shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Rafael grumbled.

“It’s not that-“ Sofia began.

“Rafael,” Olivia interrupted; taking hold of his hand, “You know how college kids can be. If it was something serious I’m sure Sofia would tell us. Am I right?”

“Y-yeah,” Sofia nodded, “I’m not affected by what they’re saying. It really doesn’t bother me because it’s just bullshit.”

“She said a bad word!” Noah giggled loudly, “You have to put a penny in the jar.”

Olivia smiled, “How about we give her a warning this time?”

Noah sat there as he thought about it, “Only if she lets me have her ice cream.”

Both Sofia and Olivia laughed; “You hear that?” Olivia smiled as she looked at Rafael, “Looks like he’s learning to think like you.”

“Mmm, yeah,” Rafael said absentmindedly as he swallowed the rest of his water _. This isn’t good enough._

“So,” Noah continued, “Do I get your ice cream?”

Sofia smiled, “Deal.”

“Yay!” Noah exclaimed, “Look Rafi! I did a f-f-flea deal.”

“It’s a plea deal sweetie,” Olivia grinned, “I’m so proud of you for remembering that.” As Noah beamed at her; she turned her gaze to Rafael, “Your son has picked up a thing or two from you. Who knows maybe one day he’ll be as good as you.”

“I’m a pr-pr-prositutor!” Noah laughed.

“Nice try,” Sofia smiled as she leaned towards him. “Prosecutor,” she whispered, “Why don’t you say it with me.”

As their muffled laughter surrounded him; Rafael felt a headache coming on, “You know what, I’m not hungry,” he growled as he slowly stood up from the table. The table fell into silence as they watched him, “I’m going to my study,” he huffed as he walked away.

 

As Rafael went towards his study, he took a quick detour into the kitchen; he quickly took a glass out of the drawer, slamming the cupboard door closed, as he placed it on the bench. He sighed as he turned to the fridge and opened it; he stood there for a few minutes trying to find a suitable drink, _There’s got to be something around here somewhere… Anywhere._ When the fridge beeped at him he frowned and forcefully closed the door, the items in the door shaking as it closed. He paused for a moment; _the cupboards, try there…_ his mind begged and he willingly did as he was told. As each cupboard came up empty he growled, “This is fucking ridiculous.” He shook his head as he took hold of his glass and made his way towards the sink; he turned it on and held his glass under the running water. As his glass slowly filled he saw his hands begin to shake again; the water occasionally ran down the side of the glass, loosening his grip. Staring at his hand his mind began to wander; _Reduced to drinking water, that’s not a man’s drink-_ When the tremor worsened his glass slipped from his grasp and fell into the sink; shattering as it landed, “Fuck!” he yelled.

“Everything okay?” Olivia called out.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he shouted back, “It’s fine. It broke in the sink.”

“I’ll come-“

“No,” he barked, “I can clean up my own messes.”

Everything went silent; he was expecting another retort from Olivia or to find her standing in the kitchen doorway but after a few minutes he realised she wasn’t going to. He carefully cleaned up the big shards of glass the best he could and washed the rest down the sink. When that was done he had given up on getting a drink so he made his way to his study. He spent a few hours locked away; trying to work… trying not to drink.

 

Later that night Rafael was lying in bed as he watched his hand start to shake again; _Just get a drink,_ he thought. As he stared at his hands his breathing started to quicken while his mind jumped into overdrive; _Just tell Olivia that you left something at work._ He closed his eyes as he ran his fingers roughly though his hair, “You’re better than this,” he whispered to himself, “You don’t have a problem.” _One drink won’t hurt,_ his mind persuaded. His heart racing as he tried to catch his breath, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead; _You don’t have a problem so one drink won’t do anything… Just calm your nerves, help you sleep,_ he thought as he opened his eyes and quickly sat up. As he wiped the sweat from his face he started to get out of bed when he heard the bedroom door open. He snapped his head around as he sat back down, “Olivia,” he said startled.

“Yeah?” Olivia questioned as she entered the room. Closing the door behind her she looked at Rafael and noticed him sitting on the edge of the bed, “Going somewhere?”

“Uh,” he mumbled, “No, I was just getting into bed.”

“Oh, can we talk about dinner?” she asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he sighed, “I just wasn’t hungry.”

“You were rather angry at Noah,” she said.

Rafael slowly climbed back into bed, “Yeah, I know, I didn’t mean to be. But you understand why we can’t get a dog-“

“This isn’t about a bloody dog Rafael,” Olivia frowned.

As he rested his head on his pillow he saw Olivia climbing in next to him, “It never is.”

“Raf-“

“I’d rather not get into this now Olivia,” he grumbled. “Please, I’m tired, I just want to sleep.”

As Olivia laid down she sighed, “Okay, we can talk about this later.”

He grunted as he rolled over, away from her, as he felt his hair beginning to stick again, “Yeah. Night.”

 

Rafael woke up in the early hours shivering under the duvet, covered in a cold sweat; as he slowly sat up, trying not to wake Olivia, he placed a hand on his pillow. It was cold and soaking wet. He took a deep breath as he glanced over his shoulder to Olivia; she looked peaceful, as she laid there asleep. He slowly stood up as he took off his shirt; he threw it onto the bed as he walked across the room to his drawers. _This could all stop with one sip,_ his mind began, _You know you want to._ Rafael rolled his eyes as he opened his drawers; he was shuffling through his shirts his stomach dropped. He started to get this tingling feeling across his jawline as his stomach churned; he paused as he brought his hand to his mouth. As he fought the urge to throw up he glanced over to the ensuite then to Olivia. _If she wakes up because she hears you, she’ll accuse you of having a problem,_ he thought. As he struggled to keep his dinner down he walked across the room and quietly left, making sure the door was closed behind himself. Once he was clear of the bedroom he quickly made his way down the hallway to the bathroom; he had barely made it to the toilet as he collapsed to the floor and threw up. Feeling his forehead start to bead with sweat again, he took hold of the nearest towel and wiped his face; _One drink… You know it will help-_ pushing that thought away he noticed the open bathroom door. As he started to stand up his legs felt weak underneath his weight and his head started to spin. He took one step to close the door and quickly sat back down, leaning against the wall as he tried to fight the urge to throw up again. Losing the battle, he spent most of the night on the cold bathroom floor with his head in toilet.

 

Noah woke up early that morning and slowly made his way towards the bathroom. Half asleep he reached for the handle and pushed the door; as the door swung open, he yawned as he rubbed his eyes. As he shuffled into the room his foot hit something; frowning he opened his eyes, “Rafi?” he whispered. Noah cautiously looked closer at Rafael; he had fallen asleep leaning on the toilet, “Rafi?” Noah said quietly as he gently tapped Rafael on the shoulder.

Rafael groaned as he tried to shrug Noah’s hand off his shoulder; as Noah continued Rafael slowly opened his eyes. “N-Noah?” he frowned. As he woke up Rafael slowly leaned back; wiping his mouth with his hand, “What time is it?”

“I don’t know Rafi,” Noah shrugged. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?”

Rafael got to his knees, feeling his neck and back begin to ache, “Is anyone else awake?”

Noah shrugged.

“Okay, well how about while I get dressed for work you go watch some TV?” Rafael suggested.

Noah watched as Rafael struggled to get to his feet, “Okie,” he smiled, “Can I have some pancakes?”

“Pancakes?” Rafael frowned as he looked down at the boy. “Um,” he sighed as he started for the door, “Okay, I’ll make you some before I leave for work.”

“Yay,” Noah grinned.

Rafael paused in the doorway; “Noah?” he said as he turned around and knelt down.

“Yes?”

“Mommy doesn’t need to know I was asleep on the floor, okay?” he sighed.

“Rafi?” Noah frowned, confused.

“I was sick,” Rafael explained, “I just don’t want Mommy to get sick.”

“But Mommy could help you get better, she makes me feel better when I’m sick,” Noah smiled.

Rafael took a deep breath as he felt his right hand begin to shake; “I feel better now,” he lied; clenching his hand into a fist. “So there’s no point in making Mommy worry, right?”

Noah sighed, “I guess so.”

“So you’re not going to say anything?” Rafael asked as he stood up again. When Noah nodded, Rafael added, “Promise?”

“I promise,” Noah mumbled.

Noah waited as Rafael stagger out of the bathroom, when he left Noah closed the door.

 

Rafael felt exhausted as he made his way towards his room; when he got closer he extended his hand out to grab the handle. He frowned as he saw the way it trembled in front of him; “Get a hold of yourself,” he grumbled. He cautiously pushed the door open just enough to he peer his head inside; he saw Olivia still fast asleep on the bed. Rafael eyed her off as he quietly entered and made his way towards the ensuite; he froze when he saw her stir, his heart pounding as he stood there. She remained asleep as she snuggled into the duvet; relieved, he took a much-needed breath as continued towards the bathroom. Feeling his stomach begin to churn again, he quickly removed his clothing and jumped into the shower. He closed his eyes as the warm water hit his chest; as he relaxed against the running water he felt his stomach begin to ease. _You know there’s an easier way to do this,_ his mind said. Rafael moved his face under the water as he fought the need to drink, _Come on,_ he thought, _Just do it, everyone expects you to anyway-_ “Stop,” he grumbled.

“Rafael?” Olivia’s muffled voice asked.

Rafael jumped at the unexpected voice; he turned and wiped away some of the steam on the glass and saw Olivia standing in the middle of the bathroom, “Liv?” he questioned.

“How are you feeling?” she asked as she walked closer.

 _Shit,_ “Fine,” he sighed. “I told you I don’t have a problem.”

“I know,” she agreed, “Why are you up so early?”

 _Been up all night,_ he frowned, “I heard Noah and figured I’d get up before you so you could sleep in.”

“Oh,” she said quietly, “You know it’s 6-“

“Is it?” he mumbled, “I’m going to be late for work.”

“You’ve got time,” she reassured, “I’ll fix Noah some breakfast-“

“Um, no, I’ll get Noah his breakfast,” Rafael sighed as he turned off the shower. As he stepped out he saw Olivia standing in front of him holding a towel, “Thanks,” he forced a smile. As he dried himself off he realised his face was still dripping wet; he wasn’t sure if it was sweat or just steam but he was glad that Olivia couldn’t tell either way. “Why are you up so early anyway? You could have slept for another hour; Noah wouldn’t have bothered you, if anything he would have fallen asleep on the lounge.”

“I felt a little sick and then I heard the shower running so I just wanted to check in on you,” she shrugged. “I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“Of course I’m doing okay,” he mumbled as he walked passed her.

Olivia followed him into the bedroom; she watched him quickly grab a pair of boxers out of his drawer and put them on as she said, “Are you sure you don’t want me to organise breakfast for Noah?”

“No, Noah and I already spoke about it,” Rafael muttered as he searched his wardrobe for a suit. He shifted through all of his suits and couldn’t decide on which one to wear, “I really need to stop buying these.”

Olivia smiled as she climbed back into bed, “Wear the grey one.”

“Okay with-“

“A white dress shirt.”

“And-“

“Your purple polka dot tie with matching pocket square,” she mumbled as she snuggled back into the bed.

“Maybe I should get some new stuff if you can remember what I have,” he laughed.

Olivia let out a small laugh as she yawned, “I guess so.”

Rafael quickly removed his clothes from the wardrobe and turned towards the ensuite; he paused as he looked over his shoulder and saw Olivia closing her eyes, _She looks beautiful,_ he smiled. He took a few steps towards the bed and gave her a tender kiss on her cheek, “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love y-y-ou, too,” she yawned.

Rafael smiled as he turned and started for the ensuite again; as he got ready for work his stomach starts to churn again. He’d pause every time the urge to throw up overwhelmed him; he finished doing his tie when he looked down at his watch; _If you’re going to make pancakes for your son, you need to hurry up._ Deciding to skip doing his hair he left the ensuite and saw Olivia asleep on the bed so he quietly made his way out of the room and towards the kitchen. He quickly made Noah some pancakes before rushing out the door; sweat beginning to bead on his forehead.

 

As Rafael walked towards his office door; “Good morn…” Carmen started as she slowly turned her gaze away from her computer, “Oh my,” she gasped when she saw him. His face was covered in sweat; his normally perfectly gelled hair was stuck to his forehead, soaking wet. “You look like shit,” she remarked.

“Thanks,” he growled, “I fucking feel it.”

“Hey don’t get snappy at me,” she frowned. “Why are you here?”

“Where else would I be?” he mumbled.

“Go home,” she insisted as she got up from her desk.

Rafael watched her as she walked near, “Can’t,” he muttered, lip curling; _Olivia won’t let me live it down._

As Carmen got near she noticed Rafael’s eyes shifting around the room while his hands started shaking, “Are you cold?”

“What?” Rafael questioned, “No, what are you on about? What time is it?”

“Sir?” she frowned, confused, “You just got here… it’s 7:30. The same time you always show up.”

Rafael slowly shifted his gaze down to his watch, “Oh,” he sighed; “Right, sorry, I’m a little all over the place at the moment.”

“Why don’t you go lie down for awhile, I’ll come in and check on you soon,” Carmen suggested.

“No, I’m fine,” he mumbled, “I’ve got work to do… wait, do I have any court appearances today?”

“Um,” she said as she quickly moved back to her desk. Picking up a planner she thumbed through the pages, “No but this afternoon you have a few meetings.”

“Important ones?” he asked.

“I don’t know Sir,” she sighed. “One’s with Rita-“

“Reschedule them all,” he mumbled as he started walking towards his office door. As he opened the door he paused; his head pounding, “Don’t…” he frowned, “Don’t tell them I’m sick. It’s just the flu but I don’t want people knowing.”

“Okay,” she nodded as she watched him disappear into his office, closing the door behind him.

 

Rafael spent a few hours working at his desk, trying to ignore the cold sweat running down his face. While he worked he slid a file across his desk closer to him, as he opened it he sighed when he saw he had missed signing it. He picked up a pen off his desk and brought it over to the document when he saw the pen begin to shake; _Not now… not again,_ he thought. Trying to ignore it he went to sign his name but when he put the pen to paper he paused; staring at the shaking pen, _This is ridiculous,_ he frowned as he tried to sign his name. He got as far as the F in his name before a bead of sweat dripped off the end of his nose; “Fuck this,” he growled as he slammed the pen down on the desk as he stood up. He slowly made his way across his office as he muttered to himself, “I can’t work like this.” He pulled a few books out of his otherwise neat shelves and took hold of a bottle, “I’d say this counts as an emergency _,_ ” he justified. He promptly made his way back to his desk, pulling a tumbler out of his bottom draw as he sat down; placing the glass along side the bottle on his desk. He sat there staring at the golden coloured whisky as Olivia’s voice entered his thoughts, “ _We’re in this together._ ”

Rolling his eyes he opened the bottle, “Screw it,” he mumbled, “One drink doesn’t make a problem.” As he poured the whiskey into his glass he watched it intently, feeling the sweat run down his face; he sighed as he put the bottle down and replaced it with his glass. The whiskey shook as he brought his shaking hand to his lips; he closed his eyes, as the alcohol passed his lips and started to burn his throat is it went down. The feeling was euphoric.

 

Later that afternoon when Olivia got home she was surprised to hear Rafael muttering something to himself in the distance, “Rafael?” When he didn’t answer she made her way through the house, checking each room as she passed them until she finally saw Rafael in the kitchen. He leaning against the countertop staring at his hands; as she moved closer to him she smiled, “Looks like the tremors are gone.”

Rafael sighed as he looked up at her; “I only had them because I was sick.”

 _Just go with it,_ she thought. “I know,” Olivia nodded wrapping her arms around him.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” he mumbled.

“I just got home, I didn’t expect you home before me,” Olivia smiled, “I’m glad you are.”

As she leaned in to kiss him he turned his head away from her, “I… I don’t want to get you sick.”

Olivia sighed, “Alright.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek instead; as she kissed him she smelt a subtle hint of something familiar hidden under a mask of mint. “What did you eat?” she asked as she let go of him.

“Hmm?”

“You smell like a mint,” she shrugged, “And something else.”

Rafael shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know, I brushed my teeth before I came home-“

“You brushed your teeth… At work?” she questioned.

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded. “Had something stuck in my teeth.”

“Why do you have a toothbrush in your office?”

Rafael mumbled, “I’ve always had a spare in my desk for the nights I spend there.”

“Oh,” she said raising an eyebrow, “Are you okay? I don’t know what it is but you seem a little distant.”

“I told you, I’m just a little sick,” he sighed, “I brought some work home with me so I’m, uh…”

“Going to your study?” she sighed.

Rafael nodded, “I’ll only be an hour or two. I just thought… I just wanted to be home.”

“Joining us for dinner tonight?” Olivia asked.

“Yeah,” he sighed as he turned towards the doorway, “I’ll try and not ruin it like last night.”

Rafael left Olivia in the kitchen as he made his way towards his study when Noah jumped out from around the corner, “Bang!” he giggled, “I got you.”

Rafael jumped; his heart starting to race, “Not now Noah,” he huffed.

“Rafi?” Noah sniffled, “I wanna play.”

“I said not now,” Rafael growled firmly.

“Rafael,” Olivia said; walking around the corner. “What’s going on?”

“Rafi won’t play with me,” Noah mumbled.

Rafael turned to look at Olivia; his frown disappearing as soon as he saw her, “I…”

Olivia sighed as she looked at Rafael; she rolled her eyes disappointingly as she said, “Noah, come here… I’ll play with you.”

“But I wanna play with Rafi,” he sniffled.

“I’ll play with him-“ Rafael mumbled.

“No,” she said glaring at him. “Just… go to your study.”

“Liv,” he sighed.

“Rafael,” she huffed; raising a hand, “Just go.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled as he slowly started towards his study.

As Rafael walked away he heard Noah’s muffled voice ask, “Why won’t Rafi play with me?”

Rafael’s heart broke as he heard the small boys voice; he paused in the door way as he saw Olivia guiding him down the hallway, “Rafi’s just got a lot of work,” she replied.

“He never plays with me anymore,” Noah muttered.

Rafael fought the urge to walk towards them as they left his view; “I’m sorry,” he sniffled as he disappeared into his study. He spent a few hours tucked away avoiding everyone as he worked; when it came time for dinner Rafael quickly ate his dinner then returned to his study for the rest of the night.

  

Olivia woke up early the next morning; she laid there, staring at the ceiling as she began to feel sick. She clenched her jaw as she closed her eyes, trying to ignore her stomach. When it began to get too much she sat up, putting her feet on the floor; as she sat on the edge of the bed she paused for a moment as her stomach twisted. When she placed a hand over her mouth she felt Rafael stir behind her; as he started to sit up she felt a hand gently touch her back, “Liv?” he whispered. She just sat there silent as she closed her eyes; “Liv,” he said concerned, “Are you okay?”

She took a deep breath as she opened her eyes; “I’m fine, I just…” she paused, “I feel a little nauseous that’s all.”

“Oh?” he said confused, “Is there anything I can do?”

“No,” she smiled as she turned slightly to face him. “I’ve been feeling this way for a few days now… It’s probably just a stomach flu or something.”

“You never said anything,” he frowned.

“You’ve been busy and there’s no point in bringing up a flu,” Olivia shrugged. “It’s really nothing, it’ll go away in a few hours.”

“If it gets worse let me know,” he sighed, “I’ll do what I can to help.”

“I know,” she smiled, “Don’t worry about it.” Olivia cautiously stood up; the room spinning as her stomach churned, “Let’s get ready for work.”

“Liv?” he frowned as he watched her rush towards the bathroom. “You okay?”

Olivia placed both her hands firmly on either side of the sink as she leaned over it, “I’m,” she mumbled fighting the urge to throw up. After a moment it passed, “I’m fine,” she said turning her head to find Rafael standing in the doorway.

“Olivia-“

“It’s just the flu,” Olivia shrugged, “You’re going to be late if you continue to stand there.”

“Okay,” he shook his head as he turned back to the bedroom.

They got ready for work without another word; Rafael paused every now and then when he saw Olivia hesitate. When she saw him looking at her she gave him a reassuring smile and they continued to get dressed. _She’s hiding something,_ Rafael thought as he waited in the living room. Rafael sat quietly as he waited for Lucy; _About time,_ he thought when there was a knock on the door. “Hey, I’ve got to go, I think Liv is in the kitchen,” he gestured her inside as he brushed past her and left for work.

 

Rafael was sitting at his desk staring at this bottle of whiskey; when he heard the door begin to open, he heard Olivia’s laugh start to fill his office. His heart began to race; “Shit,” he muttered under his breath as he quickly took the bottle and quickly pulled out his bottom drawer.

As Olivia entered his office she saw him bent behind his desk, “Lost something?” she asked.

“Uh,” he mumbled as he closed the drawer, “Yeah. I, uh, dropped my pen.” As he went to get up to look at her he bumped his head on the edge of his desk, “Fuck,” he cried out.

“You okay?” she said, fighting against her smile.

He brought a hand up to his head as he eyed off his bottom drawer, “Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

As she walked closer she asked, “Are you sure you’re okay? That must have hurt.”

He rubbed the side of his forehead as he replied, “Yeah Liv. Just a bump.”

He watched her closely as she walked around his desk; closer to him, his eyes shifted between her and the drawer, “Liv, you don’t have-“

“Shh,” she smiled, “Relax.” She knelt down in front of him; he looked jittery, shifting in his seat, “Let me take a look,” she said reaching up, running her fingers across the back of his hand. He sighed as he slowly moved out of the way; she brushed back some hair off his forehead as her tender touch started to trace a red mark, “Does this hurt?”

His eyes were fixed on her; darting between her eyes and lips as she spoke, “N-no, it doesn’t.”

Her eyes intently watched as she ran the edge of her thumb across his injury; “It doesn’t look like it broke the skin,” she reassured with a loving smile. “Might have a bruise later but I don’t think you hit your head that hard.”

“I’ve got a pretty hard head,” he chuckled.

Olivia let out a small laugh as she looked at him; he seemed to calm down a bit, after a moment she turned her gaze to the floor, “Now,” she frowned, “Where’s this pesky pen of yours? I’ll help you look-“

“Uh,” he mumbled, “I, uh, I already picked it up.”

“Oh?” she replied.

“Y-yeah,” he smiled as he looked over his desk for the closest pen. As he picked it up he added, “I dropped it on my desk when I hit my head.”

“I didn’t even see you do that,” she shrugged as she started to stand up.

“You were just too infatuated by me to notice,” he smirked.

“Oh is that so?” Olivia grinned.

“Mhmm,” he smiled, “Now why are you here?”

“Oh right,” she sighed, “Um, I just wanted to let you know that I have Fin and Carisi bringing in Sam for some questions. Did you want to be there when he arrives?”

“You couldn’t have called for that?” Rafael muttered.

“I thought we could get some lunch while we waited,” Olivia suggested.

“I’m not hungry,” he grumbled, “I think I’m just going to stay here. You don’t need me for this interview.”

Olivia paused, “Oh, okay I just thought-“

“I know,” he nodded, “It’s fine, I just need to focus on some work here.”

“Yeah, okay,” she sighed, “I guess I should have called instead of coming here.”

“Liv, I didn’t mean-“

“It’s fine,” she shrugged as she started for the door, “I’ll call you later to tell you how it goes.”

“Okay,” he mumbled as he watched her leave. He waited a few minutes until he knew she was gone; when he was sure he pulled out the bottle and poured himself a drink.

 

By the time Olivia got back to the precinct, coffee in hand, Sam was waiting in one of the interrogation rooms. As she walked towards her office Fin walked up beside her, “Hope you have another one,” he said looking at her coffee.

“There’s a pot over there,” Olivia said gesturing to the break room.

“Come on Liv,” he laughed, “You know the coffee here sucks so much even Barba won’t drink it.”

Olivia smiled a little, “Sorry but it’s just an empty cup now, I finished it in the elevator. I’ll owe you one.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Fin smiled.

As they entered her office Olivia placed the empty cup on her desk and glanced over to the window, “So this is Sam Taylor?” she asked. She walked closer to the two-way mirror as she observed the man in the next room; he looked calm as he sat at the metal table, “How was he when you brought him in?”

“Like he was expecting us,” Fin said as he joined Olivia at the window. “I don’t like this guy Liv and I’ve barely spoken to him. I think this one is going to be a challenge even for you.”

Olivia sighed, “Great, Barba’s not going to like that.”

“I’m surprised he’s not here,” Fin mumbled, “I figured he’d be all over this guy.”

“He’s got a lot of work to do at his office,” Olivia replied as she walked towards the door, “Are you going to watch?”

“Yeah,” Fin nodded. “Carisi and Amanda are out on lunch and I have no idea where Stabler is.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded as she opened the door. “Sam Taylor is it?” she asked as she entered the interrogation room, closing the door behind her.

“Yes,” he replied calmly. “You already knew that though, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.”

Olivia nodded as she paced around the room, “You’re right. Well I’m Lieutenant Benson, do you know why you’re here?”

Sam shrugged as he watched her, “Rumours probably.”

“Rumours?”

“Well you know how college kids can get,” Sam muttered, “They have one too many one night and wake up regretful the next morning. You can’t take their words for it.”

Olivia raised her eyebrows, “Oh, is that so?”

“Who is it this time?” Sam asked.

“You’ve been in this situation more than once?” Olivia asked back.

“I never did anything wrong,” Sam smiled, “It’s always a misunderstanding.”

Walking closer to Sam, Olivia said, “Why don’t you tell me about these… misunderstandings?”

A crooked smile came across his face as he asked, “Which one do you want to know about?”

“How about our misunderstanding,” Olivia suggested.

“I heard it was Sofia,” Sam started, “She’s one of my best student’s, she always pays attention in class… and after.” Olivia watched closely as he relaxed into his chair, “I heard about what happened, poor girl. You’re looking at me for this aren’t you?”

Olivia shrugged, “We’re just talking to everyone at this stage.”

Sam let out a quick laugh, “Yeah right. You’re just interested in who pulled her into that alleyway that morning.”

“Morning?” Olivia asked.

“It’s all the hot gossip at Hudson,” Sam muttered, “But you want to hear how I did it. How I pulled her into the alleyway, covered her mouth so she couldn’t scream,” he paused as Olivia sat across from him. “How I had a knife and made sure she knew it or how about how I knew she was pregnant?”

Olivia leaned in close to him, “Then what happened?”

“She never saw my face but I could see the tears rolling down hers as I hit her hard,” Sam sneered.

There was a knock on the door interrupting them, “NOT NOW,” Olivia called out.

Sam leaned a few inches away from Olivia as he grinned, “But that’s all just hypothetical, I heard that’s what happened to the poor girl.”

The door suddenly opened and Buchanan rushed in, “I think we’re done here. You should have known not to talk to my client without me.”

“He didn’t ask for his lawyer,” Olivia frowned.

“Anything my client has said without me present won’t stand up in court,” Buchanan huffed.

Olivia sighed as she stood up, “Your client is free to go.”

Sam smiled as he stood up, “Oh I do hope you get the guy who did this to Sofia… Maybe start with her father. From what I gathered in class he was a real piece of work.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” Olivia growled.

As Sam and Buchanan left the room; Olivia paused for a moment, closing her eyes as she ran her fingers through her hair. “I thought he was close to confessing,” Fin muttered as he walked in.

“We were no where near getting that confession,” Olivia sighed. “He played me, he knew exactly what to say and how to phrase it.”

“I told you I didn’t like that guy.”

“I’ve got to call Barba, why don’t you get everyone in and see what we can find on Sam,” Olivia mumbled as she started for her office, “He’s clearly done this before.”

“Will do,” Fin nodded.

 

Rafael was sitting behind his desk, working at his computer when his office phone rang, “Barba.”

“Hey,” Olivia replied.

“How did the interview go?”

“Not good,” Olivia sighed. “We all but got a confession wrapped in hypotheticals then his lawyer came in.”

“Great! So now he has a lawyer we have to deal with,” Rafael growled, “Who’s the vulture?”

Olivia remained silent for a moment before finally saying, “Buchanan.”

“Of fucking course it is!”

“Raf-“

“No,” he huffed, “I’ll talk to you later.”

After he ended the call he sat there for a moment; his anger bubbling up inside him, “Jesus fucking Christ!” he yelled as he ran his hand through his hair. _Now you’re fucked, you can’t win this._ “Yes I can,” he sighed. _He has a high-end lawyer on speed-dial; clearly he’s done this before._ Feeling frustrated he picked up his files of his desk and threw them across the room; paper flying everywhere. He yelled out in frustration as he stood up from his desk and began pacing across his office.

Carmen heard the commotion in his office and cautiously made her way to his door, “Sir?”

Rafael snapped his head around, “What!”

“Are you okay?” she asked as she looked at the scattered paper on the floor.

“Fucking dandy,” he growled as he walked towards her.

As he neared she took a step away from the door, “Sir?”

He just shook his head as he took hold of the door and slammed it in her face; he ran his hand though his hair again as he resumed his pacing. Ten minutes later Rafael slowly opened the door and sheepishly looked over at Carmen, “Hey,” he sighed.

“Yes Sir?”

“Look,” he mumbled, “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean-“

“It’s fine,” she sighed. “Tough case, right?”

“Y-yeah,” he forced a smile, “It’s a little personal so it’s hitting a harder than I would like.”

“I understand,” she smiled, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you,” he nodded.

As he started to disappear into his office she stuttered, “R-Rafael?”

He poked his head out, “Yeah?”

‘Why don’t you call it a night?” she suggested.

“That’s probably a good idea,” he agreed, “I’ll be out of here soon.”

 

Olivia was walking out of the precinct when she glanced down at her phone; _7:30 I wonder if Rafael’s coming home soon_. She brought up his number and called him; she waited as the phone rang, after a while she reached his message bank. She hung up without leaving a message and sighed as she started to call his office.

“Rafael Barba’s office-” Carmen answered.

“Hey Carmen,” Olivia interrupted.

“Oh hey Olivia, how can I help?” she replied.

“I was just wondering if you could transfer me through to Rafael, I called him before but he didn’t answer,” Olivia said.

Carmen sighed, “He’s already left, he said he was going home and I was just about to leave myself.”

“Oh,” Olivia said surprised, “Well thanks anyway, I’ll try his phone again.”

“Okay, good night Olivia.”

“Good night,” Olivia replied as she ended the call. After a moment she tried Rafael’s phone again; this time he picked up, “Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” Rafael croaked.

“Where are you?”

“At work,” he replied.

“At work?” Olivia frowned.

Rafael cleared his throat as he answered, “Yeah, I, um-“

“I called your office,” Olivia interrupted, “Carmen said you left.”

“I stepped out,” Rafael explained, “I told her if I don’t come back I went home.”

“Mhmm,” Olivia mumbled, “Where are you?”

Rafael finished his glass of scotch as he looked around the bar, “I went to get coffee,” he sighed.

“Oh,” she replied.

“Yeah, I’m not doing anything Liv-“

“I know,” she paused, “I was just calling to see when you were going to come home.”

“I, uh… soon,” he mumbled as he signalled for another drink, “I’ll be home soon, I’m just going to finish my coffee and come home.”

“Okay, did you want me to get you dinner?”

“No,” he sighed. “I’m not sure if I’ll be home that early.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then,” Olivia sighed.

“Yeah,” he replied as he took a deep breath.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rafael mumbled as he ended the call.

 

Rafael spent the next few hours drinking away at the bar; by the time he staggered through the door of his home, Olivia was asleep. He crept through their bedroom towards the ensuite, scattering his suit along the floor, and quickly brushed his teeth before stumbling into the bed. Half asleep, Olivia mumbled, “Rafael?”

“Shh,” he soothed, “I’m sorry I’m late.”

Without opening her eyes she yawned, “I thought you were coming home earlier.“

“I know,” he whispered as he snuggled in next to her. Wrapping his arms around her waist he added, “I ducked back to the office and just lost track of time.”

“Oh,” she faintly said.

Rafael leaned in and gave her a tender kiss on her forehead before saying, “Good night my love.”

The smell of mint mixed with something else lingered; too tired to think Olivia just burrowed into his chest and said, “Good night.”

 

Two days later, Rafael was leaving the precinct when he heard Elliot called out, “Hey wait up.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he turned around; “What?” he snarled, “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”

“I want to apologise-“

“I don’t care,” Rafael frowned, “I should have gotten one when you hit me in the face, not that it would have changed anything.”

‘I didn’t mean for that,” Elliot mumbled, “I was doing my job.”

“I’m surprised I can still do my job after you interrogate people,” Rafael remarked.

“Look,” Elliot rolled his eyes, “I just wanted to apologise for kissing Olivia twice, I know she loves-“

“Wait, what? Twice?” Rafael said; his heart sinking, “Y-you only kissed her once… and that was months ago.”

“Oh,” Elliot sighed. “I guess she didn’t tell you.”

“No, she didn’t,” Rafael frowned. “When?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything-“

“WHEN?” Rafael huffed.

“I don’t know man, it must have been a few weeks ago now,” Elliot mumbled, “I assumed she would have told you… Thought you two didn’t keep secrets.”

“We don’t-“ he paused, “We didn’t.”

“I really shouldn’t have said anything,” Elliot sighed, “I just thought she would have told you by now.”

“No, if she had you would have known, believe me,” Rafael commented.

“I just wanted to apologise because I know that she loves-“ Elliot paused when Rafael turned on his heels and started to walk away, “Wait, where are you going?”

Rafael ignored Elliot as he quickly made his way back into the precinct.

 

As he reached Olivia’s office he swung the door open with so much force it created a loud bang as it hit the wall; echoing though the squad room. The glass in the door juddered as the door bounced off the wall, “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!”

“Rafael?” she frowned, “What are you on about?”

“YOU KISSED HIM!” he yelled, “AGAIN!”

Olivia paused as she sat there in shock, “Wh-who told you?” she questioned.

“Who do you fucking think?” Rafael huffed, “It certainly wasn’t you!”

“Let me explain,” Olivia reasoned.

“I told you about Carisi,” he growled.

“Reluctantly,” she mumbled.

He paused for a moment as he glared at her; “Of course I was fucking reluctant!” he snarled. “I couldn’t remember what I did… But you can and you still chose not to tell me.”

“Rafael-“

“NO!” he shouted, “I’m sick and tired of second guessing our relationship. I’ve done that once before, I’m not doing it again!”

“I’m not Gloria,” Olivia quickly said.

Rafael scoffed, “You’re right. At least she didn’t try to hide it.”

“That’s not fair-“

“NOT FAIR!” he rolled his eyes as he started pacing; running his hands through his hair, “I could really use a fucking drink right about now.”

“Don’t drink-“

“I didn’t ask for your opinion!” Rafael growled. “You’ve done this to me.”

“I didn’t do anything,” she frowned. “If you’ll let me explain-“

“Explain what?” he huffed. “That you need a little something on the side because… What?... Have I’ve not paid enough attention to you? I’m not good enough for you!”

“Rafael please,” she begged. “He kissed me but I shoved him away.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Sure, that’s what you’re telling me now… What will it be tomorrow?”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Olivia frowned. “You know I’m not like that.”

“Do I?” he mumbled. “This is twice now, at least that I’m aware of… and you and I both know you weren’t going to tell me.”

“Rafi please, just calm down. We can talk about this-”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Rafi please,” he mocked with a childlike tone. “Don’t bother with that shit.”

“Rafael!” she huffed; standing up from her desk. “Stop behaving like this. You’re making a scene.”

“Screw you,” Rafael snarled.

“Why don’t you leave and we can talk about this later,” Olivia sighed.

“What?” Rafael shook his head, “Expecting another make out session with your boyfriend?”

“Stop this now!”

“I’m done,” he growled through clenched teeth. He glared at her for a moment; he felt numb, “I can’t do this,” he shook his head as he turned on his heels and left her office. As he stormed out he took hold of her office door and slammed it behind him; creating another loud bang as the door jumped in its frame, cracking the glass. He didn’t pause to look at the damage; instead he quickened his strides and left without another word, while everyone cautiously stared at him.

 

Olivia slowly sat back down at her desk, tears in her eyes, as she watched Rafael through the unmistakably large crack in her glass door. As he crossed the floor, getting further away from her, she didn’t feel the tears starting to roll down her cheeks. _How did it get like this_ , she sniffled as she tore her gaze from the broken window down to her desk.

 

As they watched Rafael storm across the room Amanda turned to Carisi, “So you and Barba, huh? I didn’t know he was gay.”

“Shut up Rollins,” Carisi sighed; his eyes glued to Rafael.

“Carisi?” she asked concerned.

“If you hadn’t noticed, there’s something bigger going on… just look at Liv’s door.” He shook his head as he stood up from his desk, “Here, go find Fin and follow this lead,” he mumbled as he gave her a piece of paper.

“Olivia said we should do it together,” Rollins sighed.

“Fine, we can do it when I get back,” Carisi said as he started to run after Rafael. As he turned the corner he saw Rafael stepping into the elevator, “Hey, wait up!” he called out.

As Carisi got into the elevator Rafael huffed, “Go away.”

“Rafael,” he sighed, “I just figured you could use someone to talk to.”

“I’m sure that’s all it is,” Rafael scoffed.

“I care about you,” Carisi frowned, “I don’t want to see you going through this alone.”

“You don’t even know what’s going on.”

“You weren’t very quiet,” he sighed, “I think a lot of people know things they shouldn’t now.”

“I don’t care,” Rafael mumbled.

“Right now you don’t-” Carisi muttered,

Rafael interrupted, “I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Can you at least tell me where you’re going?”

“I need a drink-“

“Don’t,” Carisi sighed.

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Does everyone think I have a problem?”

“No,” he frowned, “I just think alcohol right now is only going to make things worse.”

“Whatever,” Rafael mumbled as he stepped out of the elevator. Carisi started to follow him when Rafael turned around quickly, “Don’t follow me, I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I know, I just-“

“Back off,” he huffed.

“Don’t be stupid,” Carisi huffed.

“She did this to me!” Rafael yelled, “You all did.”

“Don’t blame us,” Carisi frowned.

 

While Carisi chased down Rafael, Amanda slowly got up from her desk and made her way towards Olivia’s office. She paused as she looked at the broken window before her attention was drawn to Olivia; she was sat behind her desk pinching the bridge of her nose. Amanda took a deep breath before gently knocking on the door while she opened it.

Olivia, who was fighting against tears, slowly opened her eyes and looked at Amanda, “Yeah?” she sniffled.

“You okay?” Amanda asked as she took a few cautious steps towards Olivia. As she got closer she noticed Olivia’s red watery eyes along with a few tear tracks running down her cheeks.

Olivia nodded as she wiped her eyes, “I-I’m fine.”

“What was all that about?”

Olivia forced a quick laugh, “You don’t have to be polite, I know you heard it.”

Amanda sighed as she sat in the chair facing Olivia, “It was kind of hard to miss,” she admitted, “It sounded rough.”

As her eyes began to water again Olivia took a shuddering breath, “I-I don’t k-know h-how,” she faltered. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath; when she opened them again a few tears rolled down her face, “I don’t know how it got so bad.”

 

A few hours later Olivia opened the door to their home, “Hello? Rafael?” she called out. Nothing but silence greeted her. She took a deep breath as she started for the bedroom; once she reached it she slowly opened the door to find a bag on the bed with Rafael’s clothes scattered around it.

She heard rummaging coming from their ensuite; as she turned to the bathroom she saw Rafael emerging into the room carrying his toiletries, “I was hoping to be gone before you got home,” he mumbled; avoiding eye contact.

“Can we talk?” she asked as he walked past her; the smell of whiskey was overwhelming.

“No,” he grumbled.

“You can’t just leave,” she sighed.

“Watch me.”

“Rafael, stop,” she pleaded.

“I need you to leave me alone,” he slurred, “Just get out of my face before I do something we both regret.”

“I’m not leaving,” Olivia said firmly. “I know you’ve been drinking-“

“So what?” he growled as he threw toiletries into his bag.

“Don’t act like you’re oblivious. Everyone can see what’s really going on here-“

Rafael turned his head, “Oh, do tell,” he huffed, rolling his eyes, “What is really going on here?”

“You’re an alcoholic,” she said bluntly. “You promised me you weren’t going to drink but here you are standing in front of me, smelling like you’ve just taken a bath in whiskey.”

“Don’t,” he frowned, “Don’t come in here and pretend it’s all my fault I’m like this.”

“I know you’ve been sneaking drinks at work. This isn’t who you are-“

Rafael could feel his anger beginning to bubble up inside him; “What would you know about who I am?” he scoffed.

“Rafael,” Olivia sighed, “I know you better than anyone… We’re engaged after all-“

“Are we?” he barked. “That fucking ring doesn’t seem to matter to you!”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Olivia frowned. “This is bullshit and you know it!”

“IS IT?” he yelled. “I’m not the one keeping secrets-“

“You want to talk about secrets?” she huffed. “Well, why don’t we talk about yours-“

“OH, screw you!” Rafael huffed, “I told you everything-“

“After I confront you,” Olivia interrupted.

Rafael shook his head as he took a shuddering breath, “This isn’t about me! You’re the one sleeping around!”

“NO I’M NOT,” Olivia yelled. “I told you, he kissed me and I shoved him away. End of story.”

“Sure,” he said sarcastically, “If that’s all it was then why the fuck does he still work for you? You and I both know that if it was anyone else you would have sent his ass packing.”

“I…” Olivia hesitated, “I don’t know.”

Rafael paused, “That’s what I thought,” he said quietly. “You know I was beating myself up about my situation with Carisi… to which you had no problem casting me out of my own home, I might add. But there you were, knowing you had done this… how could you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Olivia sighed, “I thought about what you went through with Gloria then how you reacted the first time… I didn’t want to hurt you. You have so much on your plate right now and I wasn’t sure if you could handle it-”

“You don’t get to decide what I can handle,” he snarled. “You didn’t do this to protect me so stop using it as a fucking excuse. This is about you! Always fucking has been!”

“Raf, please,” she pleaded. “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” he huffed, “Tell it how it is. How can you look at yourself knowing you did this to me!”

Olivia frowned, “How do you look at yourself? What I see in front of me is not the man I agreed to marry-”

“Yeah well… maybe you killed him,” Rafael mumbled.

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” she continued, “Not only was I worried you’d leave me the second things got too difficult but now looking at you… All I can see is your father.”

Something in Rafael snapped as she said those words; he paused as he looked at her; his face void of any emotion, “My father?” he repeated calmly in a very slow deep voice.

That voice sent shivers down Olivia’s back, “R-raf-“

Turning to her he started slowly walking, “You know nothing of him… You don’t know what he was like-“

With every step towards her he took; she took one backwards, “Rafael… Please don’t do this,” she said sounding worried as she eyed off the fist he had made.

Sounding cold and distant Rafael continued, “You don’t get to come in here and put all the blame on me-”

As he spoke his cold and calculated words, Olivia tried to find any sign of the man she loved; instead she saw a twisted expression come across his face; his eyes throwing daggers at her. “R-Raf-ael?” she stuttered as she hit the wall behind her. “S-stop, you’re scaring me.”

While Olivia spoke; her words muffled to him, he looked at the woman standing in front of him; _She’s terrified of you_ , he thought, _You need to stop this! It’s not who you are!_ His lip curled as he continued towards her; his fist so tight his nails had drawn blood in his palm, “You don’t know what I’m capable of.”

“RAFAEL!” she screamed; trying to snap him out of it, when she saw him fighting with himself to keep his fist by his side.

 

Sofia had been listening to the muffled fight only catching what had been yelled when she heard Olivia screaming his name; she slowly made her way out of her room and cautiously walked towards them. She hurt a loud thud as she peered her head around the doorway, she saw Olivia backed up against a wall and Rafael standing in front of her with his fist on the wall next to Olivia. “Is everything okay?”

“Sofia leave now!” Olivia yelled.

Rafael lifted his fist; revealing a hole in the wall, as he snapped his head around to see Sofia in the doorway, “Pack your bag!” he huffed.

The look of pure anger sent shivers down her spine; “A-are we going somewhere?” she stuttered.

“No,” Olivia frowned.

“YES WE ARE!” Rafael yelled looking back at Olivia; spit running down his chin. He was shaking with anger as he pulled himself out of the trance. He stood there silent for a moment as he stared at Olivia; he had her backed up against the wall; she looked scared as her eyes darting between him and Sofia. As he looked closer he saw the tears threatening in her eyes; trying to look away from her he moved his gaze slowly down and noticed she had a hand resting on her holster; _stop this before you make it worse_ , “You were going to shoot me?” he frowned. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know what to think,” Olivia said; voice shaking. “You’ve had way too much to drink.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he turned away from her and walked towards the bed; he turned his head to find Sofia still standing in the door way, “I thought I told you to pack your bag!”

“Is that really a good idea?” Sofia questioned.

“Will you quit questioning me!” Rafael yelled; lip curled. “You don’t get to come back into my life after 10 years and question everything I do! I only married your fucking mother because she got pregnant-“

“That’s not true,” Olivia interrupted.

“How would you know!” Rafael roared, “You weren’t there.”

“Because I know you,” Olivia replied, “I refuse to believe you would marry someone you didn’t love. You’re not like that… or this.”

“Of course you’d want to believe that.”

“Raf-“

“She was more trouble than she was worth… You all are,” Rafael snarled. Turning to Sofia he added, “Now, do as you’re told.”

“I… I don’t want to go anywhere,” Sofia stuttered sounding scared.

“GET YOUR BAG!” he yelled as he started for Sofia.

“Rafael, no!” Olivia frowned as she rushed forward; pushing him down. “If she doesn’t want to go then she’s not leaving.”

“Fucking Bitch!” Rafael screamed; spit flying everywhere, as he fell to his knees. _Stop this now!_ his inner voice yelled. He watched as Olivia positioned herself between him and Sofia. “She’s my daughter,” he huffed, “Stay out of it!”

“She’s not going!” Olivia yelled. “I won’t let you take her. Not while you’re like this.”

Rafael clenched his jaw as he slowly stood up; glaring at Olivia, “You can’t stop me!”

“I can,” Olivia grumbled, “I won’t hesitate to arrest you if you go near her.”

“You can’t hold me,” Rafael frowned, “Besides even if you did, I could talk my way out of it.”

“Maybe,” Olivia nodded, “But I can hold you until you sober up.”

“Fuck off,” he barked as he started to walk closer; clenching his fist.

“One more step and I will shoot you,” she said pulling her gun from the holster. Rafael stopped in his tracks and stared at the gun pointing at him, _Okay, this is serious… you have to stop._ “Oh come on, Olivia,” he sighed. “I haven’t laid a hand on you… If you don’t move you will leave me with no choice,” he said; glaring at her.

“I’m not moving,” Olivia huffed.

Rafael grinned a little, “We both know you won’t shoot me so why don’t you just give me Sofia and I’ll be on my way-“

Hands shaking; Olivia pulled back the firing pin, “She’s not going anywhere… She’s not safe with you.”

“You have no reason to shoot me… I haven’t done anything,” Rafael muttered raising his hands in front of his chest. “Just give me my daughter-“

“No,” she huffed; gun shaking in her hand. “I don’t want to hurt you but I will.”

Rafael clenched his jaw tightly, “You already have,” he snarled.

As he stood in front of her; Olivia could feel his anger radiating off him, “Raf, please don’t make me do this… I still love you-“

“Fuck off,” he huffed as he turned to the bed and started haphazardly packing his bag. The room fell into a tense silence as they watched Rafael finish packing; once he was done he picked up the bag and started for the door. Putting her gun in her holster; Olivia positioned herself between him and the door, “Get out of my way.”

“Rafael please don’t go,” Olivia sighed.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to have him here?” Sofia whispered; tears rolling down her face.

Rafael glared at Sofia, “I tried so hard for you but you’re an ungrateful little-“

“Rafael!” Olivia huffed.

Rafael rolled his eyes as started to walk past her; as he brushed past she caught his hand; he snapped his head around to her as she placed a small object in his hand, “Talk to me when you’re not as angry.”

When she let go of him; Rafael opened his hand and stared at the engagement ring, _What have you done?_ he thought to himself, _Just tell her your sorry. Don’t screw this up,_ “Whatever,” he frowned and left the room.

Rafael started towards the front door; leaving Olivia and Sofia in tears, as he got closer Noah walked in between him and the door, “Rafi!” he smiled.

“Get out of the way!” he snarled; as he looked around he saw Lucy standing off to the side.

Getting an uneasy feeling in her stomach Lucy muttered, “Noah, come here.”

Noah was frozen as Rafael continued towards the door; not breaking his stride, “Move it!” he glared.

“Noah!” Lucy fretted as she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out of the way just before Rafael trampled him.

“But…” Noah sniffled, “Rafi?”

While Rafael was walking towards the door Olivia had emerged from the bedroom and just saw Noah’s narrow escape from Rafael. She clenched her jaw as she started towards him, “Get out!” she yelled.

“What the fuck do you think I’m doing!” he huffed back. As he opened the door and started leaving he turned his head and caught a glimpse of Olivia; she was walking quickly towards him, the only expression on her face was of hate.

Before he could say anything Olivia screamed, “And stay the fuck out!” as she slammed the door in his face.

 

As soon as she slammed the door shut Olivia turned around to Noah and rushed towards him; hands shaking and tears in her eyes, she picked him up. Pulling him into a tight hug she asked, “Are you okay?”

Noah sniffled into her shoulder, “Mommy, what’s wrong with Rafi?”

Fighting her tears; Olivia shook her head. Lost for words she closed her eyes as she just tightened her grasp around her son. After a moment she opened her eyes and looked over to Lucy, sighing she asked, “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“Wh-what?” Lucy frowned; confused, “No of course not.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

“What’s going on?” Lucy asked.

“I-is he gone?” Sofia asked as she slowly walked down the hall.

“He’s gone,” Olivia reassured. Turning back to Lucy she asked, “How much did you hear?”

Lucy looked confused, “Um, nothing. We just got home a few minutes before he left.”

“Okay,” Olivia mumbled as she slowly put Noah down.

“Mommy,” Noah whimpered as he held up his hands.

Olivia’s heart dropped as she looked at him, “Noah, I need you to go with Sofia and pack a bag. Can you do that for me?”

“W-why?” Noah sniffled.

“You’re going to stay with Aunty Manda,” Olivia said; fighting her tears.

“O-okay,” Noah mumbled.

“Do you mind helping him?” Olivia added; looking at Sofia.

Sofia nodded, “Yeah, what do I pack?”

“Just grab a few changes of clothes and I’ll be in there to help soon,” Olivia sighed, “I just… I need to talk to Lucy.”

“Come on,” Sofia smiled; taking Noah’s hand. “You can show me what you want to wear,” she added as they disappeared down the hallway.

Olivia waited until the kids were gone from earshot; she took a deep breath as she looked at Lucy, “I… I’m going to take Noah to Amanda’s for a day or so until I know Rafael isn’t going to come back.”

“What’s going on?” Lucy asked.

“He’s not himself right now,” Olivia replied. “I’m not sure if he ever will be.”

“Are you okay?”

Olivia forced a smile, “I’m fine. I just… I need to make sure they’re safe.”

“Can I do anything?”

Olivia shook her head, “I’m really sorry, you should never have seen any of that.”

“It’s fine Olivia,” Lucy reassured, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Please,” Olivia nodded. She hesitantly added, “If he comes anywhere near you or Noah don’t hesitate to call me. He’s no longer welcome here…”

 

Olivia slowly entered Noah’s room, “I want to take this,” Noah huffed, holding a stuffed dog.

“I… um don’t think your Mom would want you to,” Sofia sighed.

Noah frowned, “I want-“

“Noah,” Olivia sighed. “You can’t take that. It’s only for a night or two.”

“Aww,” Noah mumbled.

“Come on,” Olivia said walking over to the bag on his bed, “Let’s get this done so we can go to Mommy’s work.”

“Will Rafi be there?” Noah asked as he walked to her. Olivia paused as she stared at the wall, “Mommy?”

She blinked a few times then turned her gaze to Noah, “Um, no.”

“I want Rafi,” Noah sniffled. “When is he coming back?”

“Noah,” Olivia uttered; lip trembling, “He’s… I don’t know.”

“Where do I go?” Sofia hesitantly asked.

“You can stay here,” Olivia replied. “I’m not going to kick you out. You’re safe with me.”

“Are you sure?” Sofia mumbled, “I don’t want to impose.”

“It’s fine,” Olivia sighed. As she mindlessly packed Noah’s bag she came across a mini suit Rafael had bought for Noah; a tear rolled down her cheek, “He wasn’t like this until…” she drifted off.

Sofia watched Olivia as she stared at the suit in her hand, “Until what?”

Olivia took a deep breath as she looked over to Sofia, “Until you.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not blaming you,” Olivia continued, “It’s just… When you came back into his life it added another stress and I could see that. But I did nothing to help him, instead I pushed him over the edge.”

“I, um,” Sofia hesitated, “I know this probably isn’t the best time to ask but I was wondering if you could help me do something.”

“What’s that?” Olivia replied as she finished packing Noah’s bag.

“Can you help me file for a restraining order?”

“Against who?” Olivia frowned.

“Rafael.”

Olivia took a deep breath, “He’s not like that.”

“Maybe not,” Sofia sighed, “But I don’t want to risk it… He looked as though he was going to seriously hurt one of us.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “I can’t defend what he what he did so if that’s what you want to do, we can do it while we’re at the precinct.”

“Thank you,” Sofia said.

 

Once Olivia got off the elevator she started towards the squad room; Sofia, Noah and Lucy following close behind. “Um,” she said sounding flustered, “Lucy, you and Noah can wait in the break room while I sort some things out.” Lucy nodded and promptly took Noah with her. As Olivia continued towards her office; the room began to spin; feeling sick she stumbled towards the nearest wall, “Something’s not right,” she whispered short of breath.

“Olivia?” Sofia worried as she placed a hand on her shoulder.

Olivia placed a hand on the side of her stomach as she closed her eyes; “I… I just need a second.”

Looking up from her computer Amanda saw Olivia; worried she got up and rushed over to her, “Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t know,” she mumbled.

“What’s going on?” Amanda said looking at Sofia.

“Um-” Sofia began.

“Is Fin or Carisi around?” Olivia interrupted; opening her eyes.

“Um,” Amanda said as she searched the room, “FIN!” she called out.

Fin rushed over, “What’s up?”

“Can you-“ Olivia hesitated, “Can you take Sofia and help her with a restraining order?”

“Yeah,” he frowned; confused, “Did Sam do something?”

“N-no,” Olivia said; eyes burning with tears, “It’s against Rafael.”

“Wait,” Amanda rushed, “What?” Seeing the tears in Olivia’s eyes she sighed, “Fin, go help Sofia.”

“Sofia, why don’t you come with me and we can go through what has to happen next,” he said gesturing for Sofia to follow him.

Amanda watched as Sofia and Fin walked away, “Come on, let’s go into your office to talk,” she comforted as she took hold of Olivia’s arm. Olivia nodded as she allowed Amanda to guide her into her office; once inside Amanda helped her sit on the lounge near the door. “How are you feeling?” she asked as she closed the door.

Olivia watched as Amanda walked over and sat next to her, “I feel like I’m going to be sick.”

“Nerves?” Amanda asked. “Could be stress.”

“I… I don’t know,” Olivia mumbled. “I don’t think that’s what this is.”

“What else could it be?”

“I…” Olivia hesitated, “I might have an idea but… it can’t be.”

“How about you lie down for awhile,” Amanda suggested.

“No,” she shook her head; her eyes watering. “I can’t… not now.”

“Do you want to talk about what’s happened?”

A tear rolled down Olivia’s cheek as she said, “I’ve never seen him like that before.”

“Rafael?” Amanda asked.

Olivia nodded, “I haven’t been that scared since… since…”

Amanda sighed, “Since Lewis?”

Olivia looked down at her shaking hands, “He…”

“How bad was it?” Amanda watched as Olivia fought against her tears, as the room fell silence Amanda cautiously asked, “Did he hit you?”

“N-no but I… I pull my gun on him,” Olivia hesitated, “Honestly I wish Sofia never saw him like that but I’m glad she came in when she did… Otherwise I don’t know what would have happened.”

“Olivia,” Amanda comforted as she placed a hand on her knee.

“As he came towards me I reached for my gun but,” she paused, “I couldn’t point it at him… Not until he was going after Sofia.”

“I’m so sorry. I would have never have pegged Barba as someone like that.”

“He’s not, that’s the thing,” she sighed, “I’m not dismissing what he did but he was drunk. He’s had a problem with alcohol for a while now and I didn’t help. I should have-”

Amanda frowned, “Where is he now?” she asked; hints of anger in her voice.

“I honestly don’t know and right now,” she paused, “I don’t want to know.”

“I’m going to kick his ass,” Amanda huffed.

“Amanda,” Olivia sighed, “No, I can deal with him but I do actually have a favour to ask of you.”

“Anything.”

“I need you to take Noah for a night or two,” Olivia muttered, “I understand if you can’t I just… I need him to be somewhere safe until I know Rafael won’t just show up unexpected. I don’t want Noah getting hurt.”

“Of course I’ll take him,” Amanda smiled reassuringly. “What about Sofia?”

“I want her to stay with me… I need to keep an eye on her,” Olivia said quietly, “If he’s going to come back, it will be for her-“

“Why would he come for her?”

“She’s-“ Olivia paused, “It’s complicated. I promise I’ll explain everything when I can.”

“Don’t worry,” Amanda smiled, “I’ll look after Noah for as long as you need me to.”

“Thank you.”

“If he comes near you, call me,” Amanda sighed, “I don’t want you dealing with him alone.”

"Don't worry," Olivia forced a smile, "If he shows his face again, he's going to regret it."


End file.
